Game Over Or Continue
by J.J. Blue
Summary: Subaru is convinced he's been killed off, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went different from how he remembers and that's not all. Is he who's having distorted memories or is there something behind all this? (SxS) [Betaed Chap 10 Bonus up]
1. Prologue

**Title: "Game Over Or Continue - Prologue"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:**_Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

He was dying and he knew it. 

There had been an odd moment when his physical pain had become so agonizing it had resembled a tidal wave, crashing onto him and destroying everything, even the perception of his inner pain, an inner pain that had accompanied him for so long it had almost seemed a constant in his life, then... then the wave had started to retreat, leaving nothing standing behind.

With the slow retreat of the wave had come the numbness, a merciful numbness spreading through his limbs and his soul, like a virus, like a disease, leaving him powerless, like a doll whose threads had been cut.

They had been cut long ago, in a fashion, and it was time that his body realized it as well and quit trying to go on.

The numbness felt like a blessing, a gift so precious, one for which he had never dared to hope. Numbness from a pain that was gnawing at him from the inside out, numbness for a pain that never left him, that was driving him insane... if it hadn't already. Numbness. Blessed numbness.

He felt a vague glimpse of guilt. If he died here Seishiro-san's eye would die as well. The last living part of Seishiro-san, all that remained of the man he had loved so desperately would be lost, but the largest part of him was too far gone to care at that point.(1) His soul had been dead for a long time and was rotting inside his body, his mind had started to disconnect itself from the world a little more each day and even is his stubborn body was finally, _**finally**_, starting to suffer for it, showing evident signs of neglect and lack of care. It too wouldn't have lasted much longer, its rotting content slowly corroding it as well.

Killing him, letting him die and face oblivion was an act of mercy and Subaru knew it.

He hadn't meant to die, he hadn't meant for it to happen, he hadn't planned to be used by the Chi no Ryu's Kamui as a way to explain to the Ten no Ryu one why one shouldn't kill people, not even the ones that wanted to die, but it was happening and he had no complains to offer.(2) He knew that he couldn't, shouldn't wish for death... but he couldn't bring himself to wish for life either.

He couldn't think of the people he would leave behind, people who would say they cared for him but who couldn't give him any reason to live anymore. He cared for them as well but... they just weren't enough to anchor him to life anymore.

To care for someone didn't necessary mean being willing to devote your life to this someone, should he have to.

He had seen countless people that in the moment of need had completely abandoned the people they cared for because... because they had better things to do, more important things to do. It wasn't that they didn't care for the ones they were abandoning, that they didn't want them to live, it was just... that they had better things to do, things that were simply... more important. He hadn't been able to understand it when he had been a teenager, he hadn't understood how a person could abandon another human being, but now he did. He couldn't be roused from his depression and so he wasn't worth the effort of being kept alive. He had to abandon them and they had to abandon him. Forget and be forgotten. That was his destiny.

He didn't mind.

Maybe, once dead, he would see Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan again.

Or maybe he would end up being reincarnated and everything would start again. If there was a way to start again after the world had been destroyed...

Or maybe he would end up in hell. He deserved it; he had killed Seishiro-san and had caused Hokuto-chan's death...

Or maybe he wouldn't be able to get so far... and would remain chained to the place where he was, the ghost of the long dead spirit of an Onmyouji unable to move over until another Onmyouji would exorcise him.

But the truth was that Subaru didn't care what was going to happen to him.

After what had happened to Seishiro-san he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he couldn't drink, he couldn't live... he had tried to go on, tried merely for Seishiro-san's eye's sake, but he knew he was failing. Failing at living, failing Seishiro-san's eye, failing at keeping Seishiro-san's eye alive. Failing, always failing.

He had devoted his life to Seishiro-san long ago, so long ago, without even being aware of it and now he couldn't find someone else he wanted to live for, he couldn't change the feelings in his heart as easily as people changed shirts and Seishiro-san's eye was just too small a part of the man to be enough for him. He needed the whole. He needed... Seishiro-san.

His life had belonged to Seishiro-san, and Seishiro-san only, not to himself, not to anyone else. Now that the man was no more Subaru had no life left to speak of. His life had ended with Seishiro-san's and he was merely a walking corpse that needed to be put to rest.

He had even tried to do his duty as Sakurazukamori, trying to follow the path Seishiro-san had left for him to follow, tried to do at least this for the only person he had loved and to whom he had been able to give so little.(3) He was grateful that his services had been required only once. With Tokyo's population escaping from the city as fast and as far as they could, it was difficult to find someone who could be a threat to Japan in the city...(4)

However he had done it, killed... he had killed... he had killed... again... again he had destroyed another life... and he had suffered a breakdown after it. Seishiro-san had chosen his heir poorly. He was grateful he didn't remember exactly what had happened during the kill or his breakdown. He really didn't want to know.

It was without regrets that he closed his eyes and let himself drown in the quiet blackness that death was, drown, drown, drown and never awake again, or at least keep sleeping until Seishiro-san would call for him.

He could almost hear it, Seishiro-san's voice echoing in that dark void in which he was, echoing always a bit louder, echoing continuously like a dripping water-tap, echoing, echoing, echoing...

_'Subaru-kun...' _

_'Subaru-kun...' _

_'Subaru-kun...' _

_'Subaru-ku...' _

_'Subaru-k...' _

_'Subaru-...' _

_'Subaru...'_

"Subaru..."

"Subaru..."

"Subaru!"

He blinked as he came awake, his eyes looking immediately for **HIM**, uncaring of the fact it was irrational to search for a person long dead. He would always look for **HIM** no matter what. He had looked for **HIM** right from the beginning, when they didn't even know each other, when he was a mere child that knew nothing about love and **HE** a teenager who had just finished a job, and he would keep doing so, no matter how many times his search would be pointless.

This time however... however... _**he**_ was there, leaning over him, Subaru could feel _**his**_ hand gently brushing his forehead, he could feel the warmth of _**his**_ fingertips soothing the coldness of his own skin, he could see _**him**_, _**him**_, smiling down at him in the manner only _**he**_ had and Subaru smiled back, tiredly, yet infinitely happily. He was there. They were together again. This might be a dream or another illusion that his barely stable mind was projecting, even one of the tricks of the Chi no Ryu's Kamui but as long as he perceived him there, as long as he believed they were together, it didn't matter. The fact that he was lying in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, exhausted and with cables attached to his arm didn't dawn on him as important either.

He was with Seishiro-san.

Who cared about anything else?

What else was there to care about?

"Good afternoon, sleepyhead," Seishiro-san's voice announced and he was glad, so glad he could hear it again that he almost cried.

Then his brain kicked in and he realized that if Seishiro-san was with him and that wasn't an illusion it could only mean he had died too. Well, that was what he had expected but, right then, he didn't feel dead... On the contrary, he felt very much alive... He frowned in confusion.

"Am I dead too?" he asked in an almost childish tone. He didn't really care, as long as he was allowed to stay with Seishiro-san he didn't care about anything else. He just wanted to know. Seishiro-san's eyes widened in surprise, then he smiled again, condescendingly.

"No, silly, even if you had me worried for a while. Don't even think about doing that ever again. You're supposed to stay alive, with me," he said softly, playfully tapping Subaru's nose, a friendly gesture he hadn't used with Subaru in... too long for Subaru to remember. Subaru blinked in confusion, not really understanding Seishiro-san's reply.

"But you're dead, Seishiro-san..." he replied in a pitiful whine and he felt his heart breaking again at just mentioning it. "You're dead and you left me and I can't live without you and Hokuto-chan..." he whimpered, looking up at the man in a pleading manner, hoping against hope he could do something to fix it. Seishiro-san's eyes widened again, then the man frowned and then his features relaxed as he smiled again at Subaru.

"You only had a bad dream, Subaru. No one's dead," he told him in a reassuring tone, caressing Subaru's hair soothingly.(5)

"No one?" Subaru echoed. He wanted so badly to believe Seishiro-san's words... So badly...

"No one," Seishiro-san repeated in a firm tone. "No one is dead and no one is going to die," he added and there was something... dark and threatening in his voice as if he was promising harsh retribution against whoever would try to challenge his pronouncement.

"Then don't leave again. Don't leave me again, please, Seishiro-san..." Subaru whimpered. He managed to find the strength to grip the man's arm and held it as tightly as he could, which wasn't very much. On second thought he didn't really care if he was alive or not and if the others were alive or not. He only wanted to be with Seishiro-san. Nothing else.

"Never," Seishiro-san stated before taking Subaru's hand into his and kissing it gently, as he had done so long ago when Subaru had been a mere child. "I'll never let you go. Never," he repeated and there was a tone of finality in his words. "Now rest, Subaru. You need it," he added gently, leaning his forehead against Subaru as his arms wrapped around the boy's form protectively or maybe just possessively. With Seishiro-san it was always hard to tell. Not that Subaru minded at the moment. He was with Seishiro-san and Seishiro-san was with him and he was hugging him and, whatever his motivations were, at the moment Subaru felt he had no right to ask for more. "You had a bad week and you really need some rest, Subaru. I'm really happy to see you awake again. Don't worry, I'm sure they'll let you out of here in a couple of days," Seishiro-san continued talking as if his words were supposed to make sense to Subaru. They didn't and, as soon as he understood he couldn't figure out the meaning of Seishiro-san's words, he felt fear and desperation rise inside him again. He didn't want to be _'let out of here'_. He wanted to remain here with Seishiro-san, no matter where _'here'_ was.

"Seishiro-san..." he called desperately, not really knowing how to express what he was feeling but needing to at least call the man, to make sure he was here, that he wouldn't leave or disappear.

"I'm staying, don't worry. You've got nothing to worry about now, Subaru. I'll take care of you," the man whispered as his hand brushed Subaru's forehead and then covered Subaru's eyes gently. "Sleep now."

Subaru had the fleeting impression that lips, Seishiro-san's lips, were pressed against his, as if in a kiss, but that couldn't be because no one had a reason to kiss him, least of all Seishiro-san, and he knew the man wouldn't let anyone else kiss him then, as the tiny treads of an Onmyoujutsu sleeping spell wrapped around his mind, he fell back into the darkness of a dreamless sleep.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. For those who have seen only the anime: in the manga Seishiro left his eye to Subaru to replace the one the Chi no Ryu's Kamui destroyed. Later, when the Chi no Ryu's Kamui asked Subaru if he still wished to die Subaru replied that, if he were to die, Seishiro's eye would die too and so he couldn't die.

2. In the manga there are assorted observations about why it is wrong to kill people. Among them there's a conversation between the Chi no Ryu's Kamui and Karen in Vol. 17.  
_'So if he saw you as his father why did you kill him?!'  
'Because that was his strongest wish! You have one too, right? A strong wish. And even if someone would feel sad because of it you'll still want to realize it. To die for whom, is a person's own choice. But, some people have different wishes.'  
'And what might be these different wishes you speak of? Even if, that was the child's own wish, and you were only making it come true, killing is a crime that is unforgivable!'  
'... If that is so, then why did you not realize the most important thing? If... nobody could ever hurt or kill anybody, then why would people become blinded to the most important things?'_  
I assume that, to help Kamui to understand what is _'the most important thing'_ he killed Subaru.

3. In the manga, with his eye, Subaru had inherited Seishiro's title as Sakurazukamori.

4. Despite many, many fics saying otherwise the Sakurazukamori's role is to kill who's a threat, present or future, to Japan.

5. Yes, yes, I know Seishiro always called Subaru _'Subaru-kun'_. There's a reason that he's not doing it anymore.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
This fic's purpose is to be a mystery of some sort... so of course there's an explanation behind everything... only I won't give it to you right now but I'll let you wonder like poor Subaru. You're free to try to guess what it is before him.  
Has Seishiro survived Rainbow Bridge and hidden in the meantime? Has Subaru finally turned insane? Is the one with him the Chi no Ryu's Kamui and Subaru instead is seeing Seishiro in his place just because that was his wish? Has Subaru ended up in an AU? Or is it all a dream? Or was the **'X'** plot the dream? And whatever your answer is... why is Subaru in a hospital?

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	2. Chap 1: 1st Level

**Title: "Game Over Or Continue - Chap 1: 1st Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

Subaru woke up again the morning after. His memories of the previous day were foggy, blurry, but he guessed that was pretty normal, considering he'd been stabbed with a ShinKen. The ShinKen impaling him was the thing he remembered best, a single spark of clarity in a life that had stopped making sense long ago. He had hoped, prayed, begged the ShinKen would kill him. Instead apparently he was still alive, he realized as he scanned the room for someone who, he knew, wouldn't be there. He sighed. He should have stopped believing in that kind of dream long ago. Yet... he was lying in a bed, he realized, a hospital bed, exactly like the one of his dream. But he was alone in the room, alone, so very much alone, with his right wrist bandaged and no cables attached to his arm and he was tremendously weak and tired. He closed his eyes. He didn't really care about his state, it had never truly mattered to him; the only important and positive matter was that Seishiro-san's eye seemed to be fine. He could see perfectly through it, almost better than usual. 

Good. 

At least he hadn't failed to protect the only precious thing he had. 

At least he wasn't completely alone. 

Seishiro-san's eye was with him. 

The last piece of the man was with him. 

He wasn't alone, he reminded himself, resting his hand over the eye protectively. 

"Everything will go well, I won't let anyone hurt you," he murmured to the eye in a protective tone. "They won't manage to part me from you too... even if I'm sorry I got you in trouble as well. I should have been more careful. Please, don't be mad... Don't be mad..." he repeated, stroking his eyelid as in an attempt to caress the eye itself. That eye would never be his. It would always be Seishiro-san's eye and he would love and cherish it as he had the man himself. Or try to. 

Slowly he removed his hand, leaving Seishiro-san's eye alone and opening it and his own. He stared at the hospital ceiling for a minute before forcing himself to sit up with some effort, planning to leave that place immediately. So apparently the Chi no Ryu's Kamui's blow hadn't killed him. This must mean that one or more of the Ten no Ryu had taken pity on him and brought him here, because he highly doubted that the Chi no Ryu's Kamui, after sticking the ShinKen inside him, would have brought him to a hospital. That boy could see Wishes. He would have known Subaru's Wish was to be left there to die. 

He looked around the room again. It was empty but he already knew that. He tried hard not to think of the dream he had had the past night, a dream in which the room wasn't empty, a dream in which Seishiro-san was still alive and here with him, in that same room. He had already had too many dreams like that but in the end he had always awoken to face the bitter truth he had always found so difficult to face. He had hoped this time he wouldn't have to awake again to face it but... 

Weakly, he tried to stand up. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to remain here any longer. There was no one for him here. 

He was amazed by the quality of the hospital's painkillers. Despite having been stabbed right through his stomach he wasn't any feeling pain at all. Too bad. He wouldn't have minded it. He deserved it. After all he had been the one foolish enough to let himself get stabbed, putting Seishiro-san's eye in danger, hadn't he? 

As soon as he was finally standing the door opened and a person looked at him from the entrance. 

"Subaru? What are you trying to do?" the person asked him. He froze as he stared at the newcomer. The voice was familiar and yet... it wasn't. The speaker was a girl, a young woman really, about his age, short black hair, green eyes that seemed even greener due to the odd, flower-shaped dress very few would dare to wear as nonchalantly as her, remaining features so strikingly resembling his that it was obvious they had to be related. Only... none of his many cousins would fit that description or dare to address him with such familiarity. They would always, always call him _'Subaru-san'_ at best, if not in an even more respectful manner; it didn't matter if they had grown up with him. Only one person would dare to address him just as 'Subaru' despite the strict rules that governed his Ichimon, but that person... that person... she...(1) 

The young woman walked straight to him and he stared at her dazedly, as if she was a ghost or a hallucination, something that couldn't, couldn't be in front of him in that moment, in that room. She stopped when she was a very short distance away from him, then she placed her hands on her hips and glared fiercely at him as only one person had been able to do. 

"You get back to bed this moment, you got me, Subaru? You've worried Sei-chan and me enough for this week. Don't you dare ever do that again! How could you let that stupid spirit injure you? I thought you knew better than being careless on a job!" she scolded him with practiced ease, as if used to doing it, and there had been only one person in Subaru's life who had ever done so but that person... he... she... they... 

"Hokuto-chan?" he said weakly as the world waved and spun around him, making him grow nauseous as the name he had just called kept echoing in his mind, bringing back memories of a happy time that had been long gone. Hokuto-chan, Hokuto-chan,Hokuto-chan_Hokutochan..._

"Subaru? Don't you feel well?" she asked in a very concerned tone as she moved closer to support him, stopping him from falling and making him sit down on the bed. "Subaru?" she called again, concern filling her tone even more. "Subaru, is everything all right? Do you want me to call a doctor?" 

"Hokuto-chan? Is that you?" he merely asked in a quite childish tone. It couldn't be her, it was insanity to think this young woman was Hokuto-chan and yet... yet... She blinked at him in confusion. 

"Sure, who did you think I am? I hope not Obaachama..." she said trying to lighten the mood. Subaru failed to notice it. He failed to understand everything else that came after the _'sure'_, his brain firmly refusing to process further. 

Hokuto-chan. **_Hokuto-chan_**. 

Great, it was official, he was insane and having hallucinations, he thought with bitter humour as he fought down the need to begin to laugh and cry hysterically all at the same time. It must be the blood loss. It must have damaged his brain worse than he had believed. Or maybe it was already too damaged and surviving had been the last straw he needed to completely snap. Only... he had never seen a twenty-five years old Hokuto-chan. The last time he had seen her she'd been seventeen, merely seventeen, so young... So young... and that youth had been thrown away and all because of him... It had been all his fault... She died and so this girl couldn't be her. Just a dream... Or a hallucination. Not that he cared. Not that he cared as long as he could see her again... even if only for a moment. He just needed a moment, a moment to delude himself that she was still alive and... and none of the horrible things that had happened in his life were real. He wasn't asking for much, just for a moment of this.(2) 

"Hokuto-chan..." he whimpered, reaching out for her, tears spilling from his eyes. "Hokuto-chan..." He wanted so badly to apologize to her, to apologize to her over and over, to explain to her in every detail how sorry he was, to make her understand the depth of his regret for what he had caused to happen to her, for how he loathed himself and held himself responsible for her death, how much he would have wanted to be the one who died, how much he would have loved to give his life for her, how badly he had missed her, missed her, missed her, all of her, even the sides of her personality that were annoying, missed her beyond reason but... but he couldn't. All he knew how to say at the moment was _'Hokuto-chan'_ as if by simply uttering her name he could express all the feelings trapped inside him. 

"Subaru..." she began to say, unsure as if she didn't quite know what to do with him. He didn't let her finish. He didn't want her to talk in that moment. He was too afraid her words would shatter that illusion. So he just trapped her in an embrace, holding her waist as tightly as his weak body allowed him as she stood in front of him, burying his face against her stomach as he proceeded to cry his heart out as only a child would do, huge sobs shaking his shoulders, crying without restrain because she was **_Hokuto-chan_**, she was his older sister, his older twin sister and she would understand, she would understand what no one else could. She would understand. Even if she was only an illusion. Or a dream. She... she was so warm and soft at his touch and yet... solid, as if she was real, real, and he wanted her so badly to be real... but... but he didn't want to think of that. It didn't matter if Hokuto-chan wasn't real. He truly didn't expect her to be. He only... wanted to delude himself a little longer that she was here, that she was real. As long as he could do this he would content himself with what he got. 

* * *

Subaru blinked as he came awake. He hadn't realized he had fallen asleep while crying in Hokuto-chan's arms. Maybe he hadn't. Maybe it had been just another dream. Probably it had been just another dream, another hallucination, a trick of his mind. However when he awoke again his gaze met what looked like a doctor. 

He wasn't particularly pleased. He would have preferred Hokuto-chan or Seishiro-san but maybe one couldn't keep having good hallucinations forever. It was to be expected that, being in a hospital, the first thing he would have seen waking up would have been a doctor or, maybe, a nurse. It didn't truly make things any better but he was used to being disappointed each time he dared to hope for something. That was how his life worked. Sumeragi Subaru never got his dreams fulfilled. They all slipped from his grasp like fine sand and he really should learn not to even dare to hope anymore. 

He looked around absently, at first ignoring the questions he was asked. The doctor wasn't alone in his room. There were also other doctors and nurses, their attention all focused on him. He wished they would leave him alone. He wished they had let him die. He knew he wouldn't get his wishes so he turned his gaze on the doctor next to him. The man tried to question him but Subaru kept silent. He saw no point in answering, he saw no point in helping them heal him. Noticing his lack of cooperation, they tried to catch his interest talking to him about his condition. Subaru turned his eyes away, refusing to pay them any attention. He didn't care about how he was. Noticing his lack of interest, the doctor fell silent and looked at his colleague as if asking for help. 

"Sumeragi-san... is there anything you want to know?" one of them asked him in a gentle, solicitous tone. "Anything you need?" 

At first Subaru didn't reply, then... 

"Is my right eye fine?" he asked, just to be sure. He seemed to see well through it but... but one could never be sure enough about its status. Seishiro-san's eye was the only thing he had in the world that mattered. He had to be sure it was well. 

At his question the doctor looked at him as if he had asked something really weird and senseless and then said it was, that there was no reason for it to not be. Once he got his answer Subaru stopped paying attention to him and to the other doctors again. 

They however began questioning him again. Pestered him in order to get a reaction out of him in fact, as if his question had only encouraged them to continue bother him and they wouldn't stop until they would get an answer. In the end Subaru decided to give up, merely because he wanted to be left alone. 

Their question were silly like _'what's the last thing you remember'_, _'which day is today'_, _'where do you live'_, _'how old are you'_ and so on. Subaru answered some absently and refused to answer the ones that could be troublesome for the Ten no Ryu, the Sumeragi Ichimon or his job as Sakurazukamori. 

The list of questions seemed to go on forever. 

He fell asleep in the middle of it. 

* * *

When Subaru awoke again he realized, after scanning the room, that he was alone in it. He wondered if his meeting with the doctors had been real or if that too had been a dream and if his life had turned into an annoying routine of being awake for a while before falling asleep, then waking again for a while and so on without truly knowing if he was awake or dreaming. 

He tried to get up again and this time no one came through the door to stop him. He felt dizzy, however, and so he thought it wouldn't be a bad idea if, before trying anything, he would wash his face just to clear his thoughts a bit. It wouldn't do if he were to faint on his way out of the hospital because he was going to leave that place, that was for sure. He didn't care much about the fact that he was wearing only a pair of pyjamas and that he couldn't see any other clothes he could change into. It wasn't like he cared about his attire or how cold it would be to leave the hospital wearing nothing else. It wasn't as if he cared about himself. 

He managed to reach the bathroom annexed to his hospital bedroom with no incidents and to splash some fresh water on his face but it was when his eyes accidentally met the mirror that he realized it. 

He didn't have Seishiro-san's eye anymore. 

He stared at his reflection in horror as two wide green eyes stared back at him. 

Where was Seishiro-san's eye? Where had it gone? Who could have stolen it from him and replaced it with a green eye? A horrible green eye that matched his other green eye when all he wanted to see was Seishiro-san's eye's golden colour. 

He wanted Seishiro-san's eye back! He **_needed_** Seishiro-san's eye back! 

That had to be a nightmare, a horrible nightmare; he didn't think he could survive alone without Seishiro-san's eye... 

He wouldn't manage. 

He couldn't manage. 

He felt his already compromised sanity slipping from his fingers even further as he continued to stare with growing horror at that perfectly green eye that had stolen Seishiro-san's eye's place, that horrible green eye when all he wanted, all he needed, was Seishiro-san's golden one, and in desperation raised his hand to strike the mirror, hoping that shattering it, denying that reality, would magically restore Seishiro-san's eye to its right place. 

He froze in mid-movement as he heard a familiar voice calling his name before his fist could connect with the mirror's surface and turned in slow motion as if fearing to see who had called him with his own eyes. 

"Seishiro... -san?" he asked in an unsteady voice as he stared at the man at the door. He was going insane, that was it. That or he had ended up in some experiment to turn him insane, only no one had bothered to inform the scientists that he already was. Or he was in hell. Or... Or... 

He began trembling, panting, fighting for breath as he fought to remain coherent, awake, to not slip into unconsciousness again, that new hallucination too much to bear after the loss of Seishiro-san's eye. After the loss of the only thing that still tied him to the man. 

"Subaru... what were you doing?" Seishiro-san asked, frowning in confusion. Subaru unconsciously walked back and ended up against the opposite wall with a startled gasp. 

"I'm sorry... I lost your eye... and I didn't treat it with care... but I didn't plan to be Kamui's guinea pig, I swear... and I tried to do what you did... but I'm clumsy and I messed up... and I... I'm sorry for the eye, Seishiro-san... please don't hate me..." he babbled as he hugged himself while staring at two wide, perfect golden eyes. A corner of his mind wondered if he was supposed to inform Seishiro-san he shouldn't have two golden eyes, just one, no, in fact not even one but he didn't think he knew a polite way to inform him of this and anyway his mind was too far gone to think coherently. 

"Subaru... I really don't think I've understood what you're saying... but I think you should go back to bed..." Seishiro-san told him gently, trying to move closer to him. Immediately visions of his hand going through Seishiro-san's body assaulted Subaru, making his head spin even more, and he tried again to shrink back, pushing himself against the wall and hugging himself protectively. He didn't think he could bear to kill Seishiro-san a second time... 

"**NO!**" he screamed. "No, I'm really, really sorry about your eye, Seishiro-san, please don't do it to me again... please, not again, please..." he begged. Not again. Not again. If he were to be forced to kill Seishiro-san again he... he... 

"Subaru..." Seishiro-san said in a gentle whisper, then slowly, as he would have done with a frightened animal, he walked even closer to him. "Subaru... I've no idea what you're talking about but I'm not mad at you and everything is fine..." 

Subaru's eyes widened in terror as he tried to walk back further, uncaring of the fact he was already as far back as he could be without going through the wall, his feet sliding on the floor. 

"Seishiro-san... please... please... don't die again... don't do this to me... please..." he babbled, shaking his head in denial. "I'm sorry about the eye, I swear... please..." He knew he deserved to be punished for losing the eye but this... this was too much. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't. 

He froze as he felt Seishiro-san's fingers brushing his cheek gently, expecting to hear the sound of his hand piercing the man's chest against his will, expecting to feel the nauseating smell of blood filling his nostrils as the viscid liquid would cover his hand, his clothes, his world. His head spun further and he felt impossibly weak and nauseous. His legs were unable to support him any longer and he began sliding down. He was kind of surprised when Seishiro-san managed to catch him without something bad happening. 

"Subaru, are you well?" the man asked, holding him securely against his chest, a perfect simulation of concern and worry mixing in his voice because it couldn't be anything else but simulation, could it? Subaru leaned limply on him like a broken doll, wondering how an illusion could be so perfect to feel so solid and warm and even smell like Seishiro-san but Seishiro-san had always been a master of illusions only he didn't know he could create them even after his death. 

"Seishiro-san..." he whimpered without daring to make a move, fearing too much what could happen if he were to make the wrong move, if he were to kill Seishiro-san again. "Don't die again... please, don't..." he stammered, his teeth clattering together as his body continued to tremble violently. He was so cold and covered in sweat and couldn't even move or cry or... A gentle hand caressed his cheek soothingly, then his hair, and Subaru closed his eyes in temporal relief, then his breath caught in his throat as he felt himself being picked up as easily as if he were a little child. He stared up at Seishiro-san's frowning face, not daring to move at first. The man's expression eased as he manoeuvred to get a better hold on Subaru. 

"I'm not going to die, Subaru. I'm only going to put you back to bed. There's no need for you to be so scared. I promise this time I won't leave you alone, not even for a minute, and everything will go well," he assured him. Subaru stared at him, knowing how well and how effortlessly Seishiro-san could lie and that he should absolutely not believe him but... but... but he needed to believe in that lie too much to be capable to use his common sense at the moment and so he awkwardly curled up against him, his trembling body still tense, whishing he knew how to hide the shameful tears that had begun to fall from his eyes and trying to suppress his sobs the best he could. It was too much from the last time he had cried in front of Seishiro-san. Too much. 

"It's all right, Subaru," Seishiro-san said to him soothingly as he began to walk. "It's all right." 

"It's... it's not... I've... I've lost... your eye... and everyone... everyone is dead... and... and it's my fault... it's all my fault... and I... I'm not even sure... if I... I'm dead... or not... and... and..." 

"Subaru, no one is dead. Didn't I already tell you that?" Seishiro-san said gently, sitting him down on the bed. Subaru immediately clung to him for dear life. 

"Don't leave! Don't vanish again! I don't care if you are a hallucination or a dream, or if I'm simply insane, just don't leave!" he begged in a panicked tone. He felt sick, weak and cold and he couldn't stop shaking but he plainly didn't care. All he wanted was for Seishiro-san to stay with him. He would do everything in order to get the man to stay with him. 

"Subaru... I'm not a hallucination. It's me, I'm real, can't you feel it?" the man said patiently to him resting his hand on Subaru's cheek as he sat down next to him. Subaru blinked. 

"But you're dead, Seishiro-san," he countered, trying to find meaning in the man's words. "Are you a Shirei? Or am I dead too? Can I stay with you then? I don't mind being dead if I can stay with you... please, Seishiro-san, let me stay with you, I won't bother you!" he asked in a pleading tone. Seishiro-san sighed, then pulled Subaru into his lap as if he were a child and held him against himself. Subaru nestled in his embrace, seeking the protection it offered, his head resting on Seishiro-san's shoulder, for once uncaring of how much... not proper this was. Seishiro-san had **_died_**. **_Died_**. He had left Subaru alone, he had left him behind. There had been no more embarrassing hugs and teasing words and no more Seishiro-san. And now the man was back. And Subaru was determined to allow him everything, **_anything_** as long as he was going to stay with him. 

"You'll stay with me, Subaru. I won't let you go," the man assured him, caressing Subaru's hair soothingly. 

"You... You'll leave... I know you'll do... Everyone did... Okaasan and Otousan... Hokuto-chan... you... your eye..." Subaru sobbed, burying his face against Seishiro-san's neck, aware he was soaking the man's shirt but unable to stop crying. "I'll... I'll awake... and I... I'll be... alone again... and I'll die... because... because I can't stay without you... but maybe... maybe I'm already dead... so I... I should exorcise myself... but I'm so tired... so tired... and I can't... I can't find your eye..."(3) 

"Subaru, Subaru, listen to me," Seishiro-san called, making him raise his face so that he was forced to meet Seishiro-san's gaze. "I swear I won't leave and I'll make sure you won't die as well. As for this eye thing... I don't know what you're talking about but forget about it," he ordered gently as he stroked his back soothingly. Subaru tried to remember the last time he'd been treated with such care and kindness, then squeezed his eyes shut and tried to forget it as he realized it had been during _'the year'_. 

"But... but it was your eye... and I lost it... and..." he whimpered. He felt Seishiro-san sighing, then the man's hand moved to rub Subaru's tense shoulders as Subaru returned to lay his head against Seishiro-san's shoulder. 

"Don't worry, Subaru. I'll get you another if it's so important to you," the men replied tiredly in a dismissive tone. 

"You can't give me another..." Subaru replied weakly, not seeing the sense in Seishiro-san's words. How could he get him another one? Seishiro-san wasn't supposed to have more than two eyes and since one had been lost long ago and the other was the one Subaru had lost... Only now Seishiro-san had two other eyes... but Subaru didn't want one of them and he didn't think Seishiro-san was talking about one of them so he couldn't understand... "I'm so sorry, Seishiro-san..." he settled to say. "So sorry... it was yours and I..." 

"Well, since it was my eye if I say it doesn't matter, it doesn't, does it?" the man offered. 

"I didn't mean to lose it..." Subaru insisted, looking at him pleadingly. 

"I know," Seishiro-san assured him. "It's okay now, don't worry." 

"It's never okay..." Subaru stated, lowering his gaze. 

"This time it will be," Seishiro-san said firmly, tightening his hold. "This time you'll remain with me and I'll take care of you and nobody will manage to keep us apart," he added darkly. 

"Don't leave..." Subaru repeated. 

"I won't leave, no matter what," the man stated firmly. "I'll go nowhere without you and you'll go nowhere without me," he assured him in a kinder tone. "Now sleep, you need it," he ordered, covering Subaru's eyes with his hand. "Everything will be fine when you wake up." Subaru tightened his grip on Seishiro-san, sensing the sleeping spell that was trying to win him over, fighting it the best he could but... but he was too weak and, as Seishiro-san had said, he needed sleep. 

"Seishiro-san... I... You..." he managed to murmur weakly before there was only blissful darkness around him. 

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. Subaru's the Ichimon no TouShu. Even his grandmother calls him _'Subaru-san'_ and she was the previous TouShu. I assume it's very likely the other members of the Sumeragi Ichimon would do the same. 

2. For who's wondering why Hokuto-chan was seventeen and not sixteen the last time Subaru saw her... I assume _'Tokyo Babylon'_ began with both twins being sixteen (as declared in Vol. 1) but becoming seventeen before the end of the manga. The twins' birthday is in February. I don't believe Seishiro met Subaru January the 1st so I assume it's possible the bet ended after February allowing both twins to become sixteen. 

3. Actually it's unsure if Subaru's parents are dead or not and, according to some rumours, CLAMP declared in an interview they're still alive. For this fic's purpose however I assume they're dead. 

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
As you could have already noticed in the previous chapter Subaru isn't completely right in the head (and he firmly believes Seishiro's eye to be a living entity that had taken residence in his head...).  
Seishiro's death and what had followed slowly destroyed his sanity. By now he's so used to having dreams and/or hallucinations about Hokuto and Seishiro so he tries not to believe the ones he's having right now are real because... well, simply put, discovering they're illusions hurts. Plus seeing them makes him overemotional when, around others, he can manage to control himself even if he becomes rather apathetic (see his interaction with the doctors). 

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Ichimon:** "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"  
**Obaachama:** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Okaasan:** Mother  
**Otousan:** Father  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**ShinKen:** "Sword Given By God" or "Sword Offered To God"  
**Shirei:** Spirit Of A Dead  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven  
**TouShu:** "Accepted Master". Family Head

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**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me! 

To **Jiribel**: (Blushes) I'm honoured to be the first one to get your feedback and I'm glad you like my new story. 

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: Subaru's cute, isn't he? 

To **jhanna555**: Here it is! 

To **Keeper Of Destiny**: Sorry, I didn't mean to start this while you were under exams... but I hope it'll keep you good company and that it'll give you some nice time during your study breaks!

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	3. Chap 2: 2nd Level

**Title: "Game Over Or Continue - Chap 2: 2nd Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

Seishiro groaned, blinked and then shook his head sleepily as he came awake. He hadn't meant to fall asleep but, after that seemingly endless week, a week he had spent at the hospital taking care of an unconscious Subaru who had showed no sign of waking up any time soon and that he didn't even remember well anymore, he had been quite tired... well, completely worn out, really, and, when he had found himself with Subaru sleeping quietly in his arms as he was used to doing before that mess started... as if nothing had ever gone wrong and they hadn't been kept apart for a whole week... his eyes had closed on their own. He gazed fondly at the young man still sleeping in his arms, head resting on his shoulder, listening to the soft sound of Subaru's breathing. 

Subaru had woken up. 

After a week of waiting without knowing if he would do so again, Subaru had finally, **_finally_** woken up. 

That was all that mattered to him. 

He frowned as he remembered the state in which Subaru had been when he had awoken, so confused, so scared, so desperate, and instinctively tightened his hug in an unconscious attempt to protect the boy from whatever had been troubling him and, at the same time, not to have Subaru ripped away from him ever again. He was so busy cuddling the boy, snuggling against him and holding him close he didn't even hear the door opening. 

"Aw! You two are so cute when you're cuddling!" Hokuto-chan commented enthusiastically in her usual high pitched tone as she entered the room without bothering to knock first but, after all, knocking wasn't something Hokuto-chan would ever learn to do. She enjoyed surprising people too much, especially her brother and Seishiro, to pass up a chance to do so. "A truly adorable couple of lovebirds!" she added, sounding delighted. 

"Hokuto-chan, you'll wake Subaru up," Seishiro warned in a low tone, frowning at her and pulling Subaru even closer, as if he feared she could snatch the boy away from him. 

Hokuto took note of the fact that he wasn't bothering to pretend to be his usual kind and polite self, and used it to measure his tiredness. She knew that Sei-chan cared for Subaru and Subaru only and merely tolerated all other living beings, but normally he didn't show it so openly if he were to show it at all. But, after all, she'd never seen him so... upset... as he had been that week and that was saying a lot. 

She abandoned her playful look for a more serious one and silently joined him at the bedside, pausing only a moment to smile at Subaru's sleeping face before sitting down on the chair next to the bed. 

"So? Did he wake up again after I left? Why the gloomy mood? The doctors said Subaru has some memory problems but don't tell me that he doesn't remember you," she asked in a lower voice. "I will never believe he might have forgotten you." 

Seishiro sighed, his hand unconsciously moving to caress Subaru's soft hair. The boy mumbled something in his sleep as he did so and snuggled closer, causing Seishiro to smile fondly down at him as he continued to pet him. 

"Hokuto-chan, please, explain to me again what the doctors have concluded," he said then in a quiet tone to Hokuto-chan, without turning his gaze away from Subaru, as if he didn't trust him to stay safe if he were to leave him out of his sight. 

"They said he suffers from memory gaps and he's delusional over most of his past. They're debating if it's due to dissociate memory disorder or something called Korsakoff's syndrome. Anyway it shouldn't be a problem. Subaru's memory has never been good," she stated dismissively, probably trying to make light of it.(1) Seishiro wished he could agree but actually he saw nothing to joke about. Evidently Hokuto-chan hadn't grasped yet the entirety of Subaru's memory problems but, after all, she hadn't been there when the boy had begun babbling nonsense about eyes and him being dead. He doubted she would take Subaru's problems so lightly had she witnessed that scene. 

"No, it won't be a problem at all, except for the fact he believes we're dead and I'm not going into the _'eye thing'_ because I didn't understand one word of it," he muttered sarcastically, finding it was completely unfair he was troubled and she was not. 

"The _'eye thing'_?" she replied, puzzled. 

"Let's not talk about it," he replied dismissively, denying her that information now that he had got her attention. "I still have to figure out what this _'eye'_ he kept taking about is. Maybe a weird Halloween game I gave him in the past?" he wondered, more to himself than to her. The eye thing had been the most confusing thing Subaru had rambled about. 

Hokuto blinked, not really sure she understood and not liking how Sei-chan had managed to have her worried and now was refusing to tell her the details of what she should worry over. 

"Anyway Subaru can't have either of the things they're talking about," Seishiro stated turning his attention on her again and interrupting her train of thoughts. 

"Huh? How do you know? I didn't know you were also an expert on memory disorders..." Hokuto said doubtfully, arching one of her fine eyebrow and looking at him sceptically. She was sure he knew something she didn't and she wanted to find out what and, if in order to do so she had to needle him... then so be it. Subaru's well being was much more important in her books than Seishiro-chan's pride. 

"To develop Dissociate Disorders you must have a documented history of repetitive, overwhelming, and often life-threatening trauma during childhood," Seishiro said mechanically as if repeating a lesson, slightly annoyed about Hokuto-chan's words. After all the fact he was a just veterinarian (among other things) didn't mean he didn't know anything about how the human mind worked. She shouldn't underestimate him. "And even if I'm sure it was rather traumatic for him to be raised by your grandmother, not even I think it was **_that_** bad. Of course Subaru-kun might also have an inherited biological predisposition for it but I think that by now **_I_** would have noticed it. Korsakoff's syndrome is due to lack of vitamin B1 or alcoholism... knowing Subaru, do you think, that this might be the case?" he asked sceptically and Hokuto frowned. Subaru rarely consumed alcoholic beverages and, since he had tended to forget eating from early childhood onwards, both Seishiro-chan and Hokuto had taken very good care to supervise his eating habits and they made sure that he was getting enough vitamins so no, that couldn't be the case either. 

"Well... no, not really... but it might be due to the fact he was clinically dead for a minute, or in coma for a week, or maybe it was a spell he used, or the Shirei, or the Sakanagi, or... I don't know, you're the Onmyouji, Sei-chan! Say something! What might have caused this?" Hokuto exclaimed exasperatedly, looking at him accusingly. He knew something and he wasn't telling her what and... okay, so maybe she had been too optimistic... but she was trying to cheer him up and, anyway, whatever problem Subaru might have was better than having him in coma. 

"I've no idea," Seishiro-chan stated laconically. 

"Some help you are," Hokuto complained. "Why do I have the impression you know a lot more than you're letting on?" she asked, her attentive eyes narrowing as she studied him, resorting to the direct approach. Not that she believed it would work with him. 

"When will they release him?" it was all that Seishiro-chan said in reply, ignoring her question. 

"Tomorrow, but if you say he's not well..." 

"I'm taking Subaru home, period. He's been here a week and it was a week too much. Besides those idiots and their stupid theories won't help him. He'll be better off at home. Safer too," Seishiro-chan stated before kissing Subaru's forehead gently. They were so cute... The Sakurazukamori wasn't supposed to look so adorable as he cuddled with her brother, she thought. It made it so hard to not give in to his wishes... as if he was merely a cute kid that needed to be spoiled... 

"You just want him back home so you won't have to share him with all those people, don't you? Sometimes you're so egoistic..." she forced herself to complain, refusing to give in to her need to spoil that overgrown kid. He glared at her. 

"Do you really think he wants to stay here?" he countered. 

"No," Hokuto conceded. Sei-chan might be a bratty kid but he had a point here. Subaru had always hated hospitals. "But Subaru has never known what's best for him," she reminded him and it was true. Subaru had always done what he believed he had to do, not what was best for him. 

"Thanks, Hokuto-chan," Seishiro-chan muttered and she realized she had inadvertently struck a nerve. Many had criticised Subaru's choice of being with Sei-chan and Sei-chan had never taken it well. 

"Sei-chan, I didn't mean you! I mean... Oh, okay, I don't know what I meant but he's my brother and I care for him too and you aren't the only one worried for him," she complained. She liked Sei-chan, she really did, however... From the moment Sakurazuka Seishiro had entered her brother's life, he had done his best to have Subaru all for himself and Subaru... Subaru had let him. She wouldn't have let him monopolize her brother so much, hadn't it been for the fact that Sei-chan made Subaru as happy as no one else could... and with very little effort. All he had to do was to glance in Subaru's direction and Subaru would immediately be as happy as he could be. So she had let him have her baby brother, even helping their relationship when she could in her own way and, in exchange, Sei-chan hadn't tried to get in between Subaru and Hokuto's relationship. 

Much. 

She still didn't know how that man had managed to get into her brother's life so deeply, as if he was a part of Subaru himself. Subaru hadn't wanted to tell her and normally he never hid things from her, but all she had managed to find out from him was that they had met when Subaru had come to Tokyo, for the ceremony of succession, and had immediately become special in her brother's eyes, so special that Subaru had eventually started a relationship with the man, moving to live with him when he was a mere teenager. 

While a side of her had always been happy for him, another was always busy worrying about what Sei-chan might do. 

She knew who he really was. She had guessed as soon as she had heard him saying his name... maybe even before it but her suspicions had been confirmed only in 1999. 

Actually everyone that had mattered in that year knew who Sei-chan was after the battles that had taken place in that cursed year and this had caused her brother enough problems...(2) 

And Sei-chan was so set on owning Subaru, having him all for himself... and yet... 

She sighed. It was really hard to picture him as a dangerous person when he was busy snuggling so cutely against her sleeping brother... And she felt so lost sometimes... so unsure about what would be better for Subaru... who couldn't live without Sei-chan but who could be destroyed by him so very easily... 

* * *

The world felt weird, Subaru mused as he slowly came awake. 

For the first time in eight years it felt safe, warm and welcoming, something the world, his world at least, wasn't supposed to be, but that wasn't really important. 

"Seishiro-san..." he whispered weakly without daring to open his eyes, calling the name of the only person that mattered in his life, knowing very well he really should have done better than trust an illusion... or a Shirei... or whatever... especially if it was Seishiro-san's. He knew the man wouldn't be there when he would woke up, he knew he would be alone. Oh well, he already knew that he was an idiot who never learnt. Never, never, never trust Seishiro-san. Subaru was so sure he wouldn't get a reply that he was quite startled when he got one. 

"I'm here," the voice that Subaru had longed more than any other to hear replied softly as a large hand moved to caress Subaru's hair. Subaru blinked, then slowly turned to look up as his mind registered he wasn't lying in his bed, actually he was being held by someone's arms and those arms seemed to belong... but that couldn't be because... 

"Seishiro-san?" he called again in a pleading tone as his gaze finally met gently smiling golden eyes and he felt his throat constrict painfully and he just knew he was hallucinating again but it didn't really matter because he loved that hallucination, he loved that hallucination and he didn't care if it was only a hallucination as long as he could have that at least... at least... 

"I told you I wasn't going to leave you alone..." the man replied, smiling down at him warmly, and Subaru just swallowed and leaned his head back down against Seishiro-san's chest, listening quietly to Seishiro-san's heartbeat and trying to stop the fine tremor that was running through his body as he tried to suppress his feelings which were threatening to overwhelm him. 

Seishiro-san. 

Seishiro-san was with him. 

Such a perfect illusion he could almost believe it real. He knew better, of course. Maybe the doctors had put him on drugs. He didn't know if to thank them or kill them but he couldn't really think straight when he was with Seishiro-san... 

"Seishiro-san..." he whimpered, sniffling slightly and doing his best not to start crying like a child as he felt Seishiro-san stroking his hair. "Seishiro-san..." 

"I'm here, I'm not a hallucination or a ghost or anything, Subaru. I'm really here," the man said as if reading his thoughts and Subaru squeezed his eyes shut and thought it made sense if his hallucination could read them and act as he needed it to act. This perfect, wonderful hallucination... 

"Seishiro-san..." he repeated. "Seishiro-san..." There wasn't much else he wanted to say, really, just a long, long string of _'Seishiro-sans'_. But, after all, to him nothing else was worth to be said apart from that. Seishiro-san's name in Subaru's mind meant so many things he couldn't even begin to list them all. 

"It's okay. It's okay now, Subaru. You... you had... an accident. You've worried me quite a bit but now you're okay and I'll take you home, Subaru, I promise. It's just... it's just that your memory is a bit messed up... but it will surely get back to normal soon, and you've nothing to worry about, Subaru, I swear it," the man said in a reassuring tone, holding him and cuddling him, and Subaru wished so badly he could believe him but he had dreamt that scene too many times to consider doing so. He knew that, once that beautiful illusion would shatter and he would find himself all alone again, he would be even more devastated and he really thought he couldn't bear it anymore. He couldn't bear to lose Seishiro-san again, even if it was merely an illusion his mind had conjured and not Seishiro-san in person. 

"I... I don't want to go back to that house... You won't be there and no one will be there and I'll be alone again... again... and I... I prefer to stay here... to stay here with you and not to wake ever again... I don't care if I'm insane I just want to be with you... just that..." he said in a half stubborn, half pleading tone. It was all he wanted. To be with Seishiro-san. Couldn't they let him be with Seishiro-san? Seishiro-san sighed and Subaru cringed, fearing the man would tell him he didn't want him. 

"Subaru, this isn't a dream. Remember what I told you? No one died. It's just your memory that's playing tricks on you," Seishiro-san told him very quietly, very patiently, still smiling gently as he used to do during that wonderful year... only now he seemed even more gentle... as if he truly cared and... 

"But... but I remember everyone died..." Subaru stammered. "I remember..." _'you died'_ he wanted to say but he was forced to trail off because that memory was too painful to be voiced at the moment. Seishiro-san caressed his cheek soothingly and Subaru leaned into that gentle touch, closing his eyes, starved for any tiny scrap of affection he could get from the man. 

"Subaru... the doctors don't know why you remember things that didn't happen and why you don't remember things that did. They're doing some asinine assumptions but that's not important. What really matters is that we're both alive and you're awake again and that you're coming home with me," Seishiro-san stated, still gentle but firm. Subaru opened his eyes and raised his head again to meet his gaze. 

"You... you'll stay with me even if I lost your eye?" he asked timidly, almost hopefully, sounding a lot like the shy sixteen year old he had been... When? It seemed so long ago... so long ago it might as well never have happened... 

"Subaru... forget about the eye. The eye doesn't matter, okay?" Seishiro-san told him in the patient tone one would have used to talk with a child. Subaru didn't like it; it was as if Seishiro-san was dismissing such an important matter as pointless... and what in the world could be of more importance than Seishiro-san's eye, the last piece of the man that Subaru had? 

"The eye matters," he stated stubbornly, his breathing speeding up. "It was yours... and it was the only thing I had worth living for... and... now... now it's not here anymore and... and I..." He covered his right eye with his hand. "This eye shouldn't be here... no, it's wrong, it..." In his frustration he began piercing his skin with his nails. He felt Seishiro-san immediately taking hold of his wrist and, firmly but gently, moving his hand away from his face before he could seriously scratch himself. 

"You'll end up hurting yourself, Subaru..." the man chided him gently but there was a worried note in his voice, a worried note that made that illusion even more precious. He knew Seishiro-san had never worried about him and never would but... but to hear such a concerned tone... even if it was only an illusion... he... 

"But no one cares if I do," he pointed out childishly, not really understanding why he'd been stopped. Even if this was merely an illusion... it wasn't supposed to care for him... Seishiro-san never had... Seishiro-san... Seishiro-san rested his hands on Subaru's shoulders, distancing him a bit from himself so that he could look him straight in the eyes. 

"I do. Don't hurt yourself, Subaru. Never," the man ordered, looking at him so very seriously that Subaru cringed. He couldn't believe his words, he couldn't believe that Seishiro-san cared for him, but he hadn't meant to make him mad. Seishiro-san however was fast to wrap his arms around him in a comforting hug, pulling Subaru back against his chest and chasing away Subaru's fear. It was such a nice feeling to be in Seishiro-san's arms, such a wonderful feeling but... 

"Why do you call me that?" Subaru asked then, weakly, not sure if it was meant to be an intimate form of address or simply a disrespectful one. Or maybe a derogative one. Probably the latter. Seishiro-san blinked in apparently honest confusion.(3) 

"What?" he asked. 

"Subaru. You call me _'Subaru'_," Subaru explained and Seishiro-san looked worried at that. 

"Subaru... you do remember that this is your name, don't you?" he asked slowly. 

"Yes but you..." Subaru trailed off. _'You never called me just 'Subaru' not even when we were on opposite sides,'_ he finished in his mind but he didn't feel up for discussing it with Seishiro-san. Right then he really didn't mind if the man had chosen to call him just _'Subaru'_. As long as Seishiro-san was going to stay with him, as long as Seishiro-san was going to call him, talk with him, he could call him whatever he liked. However... it was all so confusing... "I don't understand... I'm tired... so tired... Seishiro-san..." he whispered. He was so tired... worn out really... and not just physically, mentally also. 

"We'll have to wait for the doctors to give you a last check-up, and then I'll take you home and, once there, you'll be free to rest as much as you like, I promise. For now why don't you..." Seishiro-san began to say, then hesitated a moment before continuing. "Why don't you try to doze a bit while we wait? I can wake you..." Subaru's eyes widened in fright at that suggestion and he clung against Seishiro-san tightly. 

"I don't want to sleep!" he stated with a desperate note in his voice. "I don't want to sleep ever again! Don't leave me, Seishiro-san!" Golden eyes widened in surprise, then softened as if in understanding as Seishiro-san smiled gently down at him. 

"Subaru... I'll be right here when you awake, I promise. Don't worry..." the man whispered, bending down a little to him. Subaru looked up at him, unsure. It wasn't polite to flat out tell Seishiro-san that he knew he was lying, that he knew he would wake up alone as usual but... Seishiro-san's arms tightened their hold around him and Subaru found himself squirming in search of a more comfortable position, ending up with resting his head on Seishiro-san's shoulder, feeling Seishiro-san's cheek against his forehead, the man nuzzling against him with some satisfaction. Absently Subaru noticed that Seishiro-san needed to shave and the fact seemed so very odd it gave him the impression that the man was real, not just a hallucination. In his mind's eye Seishiro-san had always been nothing less than perfect... now however he was taking note of details that made him less perfect and more _'real'_. The need for a shave, the scent of sweat mixing with the one of Seishiro-san's Sakura scented cologne, dark rings around the man's eyes, clothes rumpled and a certain air of confusion as if he was honestly puzzled by many of Subaru's replies... Subaru was sure his imagination couldn't make up so many details... 

"Seishiro-san..." he called weakly, wishing he could say something a bit more intelligent and yet unable to do so. 

"I'll be here, Subaru, trust me," Seishiro-san replied in that soft, reassuring tone Subaru had loved and still loved so badly. Subaru, of course, knew better than to trust the man but... but since when had he ever been able to deny to Seishiro-san anything? He would have given everything to the man, he had given everything to him, he would keep giving everything to him. If Seishiro-san wanted him to trust him Subaru would do that, even if he knew it was a lie. 

Everything. 

With a tired sigh he obediently closed his eyes and let himself doze off. 

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. There are various causes for memory loss. Medications, alcohol and illicit drug use, stress, depression, head injury, infections, thyroid dysfunction, sleep deprivation, nutritional deficiencies, normal aging, mild cognitive impairment, dementia and so on. Subaru didn't suffer a head injury so the doctors made some other assumptions. Of course the doctors also wondered if it could be stress related due to a suicide attempt but Hokuto refused to consider it. She was sure Subaru would never try to kill himself which is why she didn't report this possibility to Seishiro. 

2. With _'everyone that had mattered in that year'_ are only the ones included that were involved in the battle for the end of the world... and survived it. So Ten no Ryu, Chi no Ryu and respective allies. 

3. To call someone just by their name, without any honorific attached shows a great deal of intimacy or a lack of respect. Subaru had been Seishiro's enemy during 1999 so Seishiro could do it because of this but Subaru's fear is Seishiro does it because he doesn't judge him worthy anymore of that politeness... and for whoever doesn't know it, Seishiro was normally very polite, which makes the idea of not being deemed worthy of a honorific even worse in Subaru's eyes. 

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
In the original plan the fic should have been all told from Subaru's point of view to add a touch of mystery to the story. However there were things I wanted the readers to know, so not to feel utterly lost in this new reality Subaru is, things that Subaru was unaware of and so couldn't be told in his point of view, so I decided to let some pieces be in the other characters' point of views. Sadly it reduced a bit the mystery atmosphere but I hope it made the plot more enjoyable.  
Subaru is in a rather odd condition. Many, placed in an surrealistic situation, would believe it right as strange as it could be. Subaru's been suffering of hallucinations and dreams by too long time and he's very disillusioned so he doesn't want to believe afraid of being disappointed. However he doesn't want the illusion to end either. 

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakanagi:** "Reverse effect". Backlash of a spell  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Shirei:** Spirit Of A Dead  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me! 

To **Amy Levi**: I'm glad you like poor, insane Subaru. The poor boy is in a really messy state... 

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: (blush) Thank you. Surely Subaru's not having a easy life. 

To **Hatori Soma**: Here's a new chapter! So you think that's not a lie:) 

To **nachan**: I'm glad you like this story! I hope the mystery will continue to intrigue you! 

To **EoEDaD**: Well, if it was all happiness and sunshine it won't be much of a plot so yes, Subaru's going to have lot of troubles! 

To **wraith**: I've hidden them in a very secure place... but here there's another!

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	4. Chap 3: 3rd Level

**Title: "Game Over Or Continue - Chap 3: 3rd Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a heaven in Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

Subaru's first impression was that he was being cocooned by a strange kind of warm darkness... so very different from the cold and empty and scary void that normally filled his dreams and that always reminded him that the two most important persons in his life had abandoned him.

This darkness was warm... welcoming... safe... and oddly reminded him of the darkness before childbirth, when the infant was kept safe inside his mother's body, loved, protected and expected impatiently. It wasn't a darkness which Subaru should be in since he had no one who would keep him safe as he slept and wait for him to wake up. He would awake again to find out he was alone, his mind reminded him cruelly and yet, as the feeling of a strong hand caressing his cheek gently and a voice calling his name softly (and he knew that voice, he knew it!) pulled him away from the darkness of the sleep and toward wakefulness he...

He opened his eyes sleepily and found himself gazing at smiling golden ones. Unconsciously his lips curled up into a smile. Good, he was still dreaming that beautiful dream, he thought drowsily. He didn't want to wake up from it... he didn't want to wake up from it ever again. Seishiro-san nuzzled against him and Subaru made a tiny moan at the pleasurable feeling, curling closer, then Seishiro-san moved closer as well, close enough to whisper in his ear.

"See? I'm still here, no need to worry," he told to Subaru in an amused tone, but Seishiro-san had already whispered something into Subaru's ear once before, while they were on a bridge and then... then... Subaru's eyes widened and he tensed, clinging to Seishiro-san, memories dawning on him with the strength of a hard blow.

Then, as if he realized something was wrong, Seishiro-san's hold on him loosened and the man moved away a bit, to look at him in confusion. Subaru stared at him, unsure and...

_'He seems so real... so very real... but Seishiro-san died... died and he left me alone... alone...'_

... And then Subaru raised hesitant fingers towards him. His hand froze in midair, hesitant to touch the man, torn between politeness, shyness and the overwhelming fear to discover he couldn't touch an illusion.

Seishiro-san noticed his movement and took Subaru's hand into his, causing Subaru to wince slightly as he remembered he had done the same thing on Rainbow Bridge and Subaru had to close his eyes as pain and fear grew inside him.(1)

Seishiro frowned. He had understood that something was wrong but he really had no idea what was haunting Subaru. He drew the boy's hand to his lips, kissing Subaru's fingers tenderly, lovingly, worshipfully, trying to convey with that gesture that Subaru had nothing to be scared of, nothing to fear, that he was safe, that he was Seishiro's most precious possession and that Seishiro would never let anything happen to him. He saw Subaru's eyes returning to him, confused yet attentive eyes completely focused on him and smiled, pleased to be the centre of that attention. He'd missed it. He'd missed it more than he had believed it possible to miss anything. Slowly he moved Subaru's hand so he could kiss the boy's palm in the same gentle and ceremonious manner, and then pressed it against his cheek.

"I'm real, Subaru, and I'm here with you, can you feel it? Think of what you remember as a bad dream. It didn't happen," Seishiro-san said so gently, so patiently and Subaru lowered his head, wishing he could cry. He wasn't sure if Seishiro-san was real or not, but he knew he was being a burden, a nuisance, and yet he loved being the object of all that care and kindness so much... he needed it so badly... He felt Seishiro-san sighing and expected the man to express his disappointment in him or to disappear as he always did in his dreams; instead Seishiro-san just hugged him tightly.

"I won't let you out of my sight ever again, Subaru, I promise. No one will ever manage to hurt you again," the man vowed and Subaru leaned into his embrace. Probably it was a lie but it was reassuring anyway and, right then, it was all he needed.

* * *

Not much later doctors came to poke at Subaru and question him under the excuse of examining him. Subaru wasn't exactly happy with it. They forced him to untangle from Seishiro-san's embrace and to suffer a long series of exams that Subaru didn't enjoy at all. He didn't like to be touched or watched by someone that wasn't Seishiro-san, he didn't want to interact with people that weren't Seishiro-san. He only wanted Seishiro-san at the moment.

He found it kind of weird to undergo all those exams and the poking and questioning while Seishiro-san was holding his hand, or ruffling his hair, or simply being around, or, as the doctors complained more than once, generally being in their way. It was weird to have Seishiro-san being there for him, not abandoning as he had expected the man would as soon as the doctors had entered the room and Subaru clung to his hand, afraid that letting it go would mean letting Seishiro-san go as well.

Apparently the doctors too could see Seishiro-san and this made Subaru wonder if that meant the man was real after all or just a particularly convincing illusion.

Subaru, however, dealt better with the doctors' presence than with Seishiro-san's.

The doctors didn't manage to get a reaction from him. He didn't, he couldn't care about them, while all that Seishiro-san had to do was look at him and Subaru couldn't think coherently anymore. It was like finding himself being a five year old in the middle of an emotional storm all of sudden. Subaru's mind went blank and he had no idea how to answer the questions coherently and without babbling, all he wanted to do was to cling to Seishiro-san and call him over and over just to make sure he was really there.

He was being childish and stupid, he reproached himself.

Of course that didn't stop him from turning to look for Seishiro-san's presence every second, despite already holding the man's hand, unable to convince himself he was really there.

Once the doctors had finished their torture, Subaru was discharged. Actually they hadn't really wanted to discharge him but Seishiro-san's glare had apparently convinced them it would be healthier for them to do so. Subaru was okay with it. He didn't like being in a hospital and, as long as he could continue being with Seishiro-san, he much preferred to be with the man somewhere else.

Once they were left alone Seishiro-san volunteered to help him change into more proper clothes since all Subaru was wearing at the moment was a pair of pyjamas. Subaru felt a sensation similar to being slapped as he remembered all the times he'd been teased in a similar fashion when he had been younger and the shock was enough to make him decline politely, tactfully yet hurriedly showing the man out of the room, before he ended up doing something embarrassing like crying again like a baby. He wanted to show Seishiro-san he was twenty-five, not five. Not that he was managing too well that day.

As soon as he was alone and began changing he hurried to put something on and ran out of the room as soon as he was barely decent, because, only after he had pushed Seishiro-san out of the door and had taken a couple of large breaths to clear his mind as he had set himself to work, he had realized he couldn't see the man anymore if he wasn't in his same room.

Mercifully Seishiro-san was still there, leaning against a wall, and Subaru, once he got over the irrational fear of having been abandoned, felt like a real idiot for running out with his clothes in such state and just stared at Seishiro-san, without knowing what to do. He hadn't put on his socks and the shirt was half out of his pants, unlatched and reversed. Oh and his hair was probably a mess and he wasn't wearing his shoes. Seishiro-san made no comments about his look, just smiled at him reassuringly and trapped him in an one-armed hug, as if he understood perfectly what was going through Subaru's mind to push him to act like that. Subaru leaned into the hug then, docile, let the man pull him back into his room to help him to put on socks and shoes and to arrange his clothes and hair better. Once done, Seishiro-san covered Subaru with his dark coat, retrieved Subaru's pyjamas and whatever other possession Subaru had in that place, wrapped his arm around Subaru's form and led him towards the hospital's exit and then towards Seishiro-san's car. Subaru said nothing during the whole time behaving as docile as a doll. His last scare had been bad enough to destroy his will for independent action. He didn't want independency, he wanted Seishiro-san. He frowned only once, when they reached the car.

A Subaru.(2)

A green one.

He found it a cruel joke but being with Seishiro-san was worth it. Being with Seishiro-san was worth anything. He didn't comment and, when Seishiro-san opened the door for him, he entered the car silently.

* * *

Seishiro eyed Subaru during the whole journey back home feeling rather disconcerted as he wasn't sure what to do with him anymore.

Subaru hadn't wanted to change in front of him, as if again embarrassed by his presence. He was sure that was not a good sign. Subaru had grown out of that kind of shyness long ago, when they started living together. Why was it back?

And Subaru seemed to have something against his car. They had joked about it when Seishiro had bought it, and Subaru had been a delicious mix between flustered and flattered but now Subaru didn't seem to find the thing funny anymore, on the contrary, he had looked almost as... hurt by the fact Seishiro owned that kind of car.

Yet, while the doctors were visiting him Subaru's eyes hadn't left him for a second, his hand clinging to his desperately, and once he had left him alone, Subaru had practically raced out of his room to be back with him.

Subaru still searched and wanted him and only him more than anyone else and that was good.

For a second he wondered what exactly Subaru remembered, what exactly Subaru feared so badly, then dismissed the thought.

It wasn't important.

He had Subaru back. Whatever Subaru remembered wasn't true and didn't matter as long as Subaru was with him. And this time, whoever would dare to come between the two of them, would die. He would make sure of that.

* * *

Once they reached their destination Subaru stared at the house, looking unsure, as if he didn't know what to do with it. Seishiro caught himself wondering what exactly Subaru remembered about the Sakurazukamori Hontaku. Subaru hadn't given that address to the hospital staff when they had asked him where he lived. In fact he hadn't given them any address, saying that he lived _'nowhere'_ and refusing to develop further. He shook his head, dismissing that silly concern. What Subaru remembered wasn't important and, in all likelihood, wasn't true. What really mattered was to get him inside and explain to him how things really were.

"That's your house," Subaru said quietly to Seishiro when Seishiro went next to him. The boy hadn't even attempted to get close to the gate, he was merely staring at the building with that half confused, half pained expression that he had started wearing so often from when he had awaken in the hospital. Seishiro nodded in reply, just staring at him without hurrying him inside, giving him time to move at his own pace. From the look of things Subaru would need a lot of time before getting used again to how things were, and Seishiro feared that, if he pushed him too much, he would only scare him or confuse him further making the situation even more troublesome. Subaru studied the house some more in silence, as if looking for an answer to whatever was puzzling him in the building's structure.

"I thought we were going to my house," he said in the end, still staring at the house.

"We are. You live here," Seishiro replied as nonchalantly as he could. "Don't... don't you remember living here?" he couldn't help but ask and he definitely didn't sound nonchalant as he said it. He wanted to give to Subaru the time to get used to things but he definitely didn't want Subaru to say he didn't remember that house and wanted to go living... Seishiro had no idea where, maybe with his sister or at the Sumeragi-Ke Hontaku in Kyoto or... in some other place. Subaru didn't turn toward him but lowered his gaze, frowning slightly, as if he was concentrating on something. Seishiro wasn't sure if it was something nice or not. He feared it wasn't.

"I remember living here," Subaru said slowly and Seishiro felt himself relaxing at this. "But..." the boy began again turning confused and anxious green eyes toward him. "If I live here then where do you live, Seishiro-san?" he asked and there was something pleading in his tone. Seishiro blinked. Wordlessly Seishiro pointed at the house, trying to sort out his own confusion. Subaru remembered he lived in his house but not that he lived with him? What was that supposed to mean? That his presence in the house had been meaningless?(3)

"Don't you remember we live together?" Seishiro asked him. Subaru shook his head giving him a totally confused look. Seishiro sighed. And Hokuto-chan had dared to say Subaru's memory gaps wouldn't be a problem. Subaru turned his eyes on the house, still not attempting to get inside.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?" Seishiro questioned, caught on surprise.

"Why do we live here together?" Subaru clarified, speaking so very slowly as if he had to think of each word before saying it, without looking at him. He seemed like someone who believed he had ended up in the middle of some very absurd situation and was desperately trying to make sense of it.

"Because I asked you and you said _'yes'_?" Seishiro offered. He didn't like where the conversation was heading. It was as if Subaru didn't want to live with him anymore but that couldn't be possible, could it?

"But why did you ask?" Subaru insisted, frowning. Seishiro felt confused as well.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," he replied. "It still seems a good idea to me. Don't you too think so?" Subaru turned to look at him.

"I don't understand," he replied simply. Not that Seishiro understood either.

"Don't you want to live with me Subaru?" he asked, deciding to pose the question that mattered the most to him. No point in postponing it, after all. It was better to face a possible _'no'_ immediately, so he would have more time to convince Subaru of the contrary, but Subaru's reply surprised him.

"I want it more than anything else," the boy said quietly but with the same longing in his voice Seishiro remembered from when he first asked a much younger Subaru the same question and that felt damn good.

"So where's the problem?" he asked, feeling an enormous relief at Subaru's reply and a funny sense of déjà vu. Subaru's gaze lowered again.

"You... you're not supposed to pretend you want to live with me," Subaru whispered quietly. "Or is that another game I don't know about?" Seishiro stared at him, not knowing what to reply.

"Subaru... I'm not pretending or playing some sort of game. I want to live with you," he said firmly in the end. Subaru just shot him a glance that reminded him of a dog that had been beaten too many time to expect something different before turning his eyes away... and it... hurt to see him like that. Subaru didn't look like he believed him, or even wanted to believe him. Subaru looked like someone who had nothing to hope for, whose life had already been irreparably ruined and couldn't be fixed ever again. "Subaru..." he said, slowly raising his hand to caress the boy's cheek. Subaru just stood there, squeezing his eyes shut as if in pain and Seishiro had no idea what to tell him. He had never seen him that desperate. "It's real, Subaru. Remember what I told you? Most of what you remember never happened. Don't worry about it. I figure you'll feel a bit confused for a while but I want you here and I'll keep you safe and you've really nothing to worry about. Everything will go well. Now let's get inside, okay?" he suggested, smiling warmly. Subaru nodded, biting his lower lip. He didn't look convinced, just obedient. Seishiro groaned inwardly but decided to postpone the reassuring to when they were inside the house.

No point in attracting the attention of the few neighbours they had.

He opened the gate, let Subaru get inside and then closed it again but when he started to walk towards the house he felt Subaru's fingers gripping the sleeve of his jacket. He turned to look at him in surprise, the gesture oddly childish and cute. The boy released him immediately, turning his head away in shame and embarrassment. Seishiro however didn't let him remove his hand but grasped it gently with his own instead. Subaru's gaze turned hesitantly on him. Seishiro smiled at him.

"Let's go, Subaru," he said gently. Subaru seemed to relax a tiny bit and nodded slightly before following him, his hand still in Seishiro's.

* * *

Once inside the house, Subaru looked around warily. The place was similar to how he remembered it, just with more items and looking more... lived in.

The first time he had set a foot inside that house he had felt as if time had stopped in its track long ago in that place, or better as if he had entered a place that had never been touched by it. Sure, there were some pieces of modern furniture and other things but... it had looked more like a house for spirits than for living beings. Whoever had lived in it... had travelled through there but hadn't left an impression on the place. People there hadn't lived there, just... survived.

Maybe not even that.

It was a hideout, a cage, a place of passage.

An old building that had seen many things, many faces, but had belonged to no one, like an anonymous hotel room and had stared at its guests with impassive, uncaring eyes, knowing they wouldn't remain there for long.(4)

Now... now the house didn't look like that anymore. Now... now it seemed... a home. Someone had lived there, was living there, permanently, and his presence was permeating the house, making it warm, friendly, welcoming.

According to Seishiro-san _**they**_ were living there.

He and Seishiro-san.

The concept made no sense in his head, it was a thing which he had stopped to hope for before even having the chance to wish for it. It was an impossible thing that couldn't happen.

However he didn't have the time to dwell further on those thoughts because, once Seishiro-san closed the door behind them, he gripped Subaru's arm and pulled the boy back against him. Subaru gasped, startled, then found himself in Seishiro-san's arms, trapped by the tight grip the man had on him and, instinctively, tensed, even if he didn't try to free himself. He didn't care about the possibility of being beaten, he was only afraid of being thrown out, however... Seishiro didn't look like he planned to do that.

"Give me a minute, Subaru. Just a minute," the man whispered in his ear, holding him even tighter, if possible and burying his face against his shoulder. An odd thought went through Subaru's mind. That thing that Seishiro-san was doing to him, it wasn't gripping him, it was... hugging him. Hugging. Him. This was a hug, a tight, affectionate, one might almost say, loving hug, a strong and possessive one, and yet oddly protective and welcoming at the same time. It kind of screamed _'mine and only mine'_ and yet... yet it wasn't bad. No, not at all. It kind of made him feel as if he... had been missed... and Seishiro-san was glad to have him back.

He didn't remember the last time he'd been hugged.

He sighed and his body relaxed into the embrace, then, hesitantly, he tried to return it, not really sure if he was allowed to do so. Seishiro-san's hold around him tightened as he moved, but the man's stance relaxed as he felt him returning the hug... as if... as if he had been... hoping for this sort of reaction from Subaru.

Subaru closed his eyes.

Good, it was so good to be this close to Seishiro-san, so good to be held by him and holding him back, Subaru mused, resting his weight against the man, leaning into the embrace. So good... too good for words... and he... he never wanted that feeling to end... he never wanted to let him go...

They snuggled against each other, just savouring the closeness that made him feel complete for the first time in years.

"I've missed you," Seishiro-san whispered slowly, his breath tickling Subaru's ear and Subaru for once tried desperately to believe it as he held the man even tighter.

"Seishiro-san..." he whimpered. Seishiro-san just shifted his hold around him, making it more secure, making it even better. He wouldn't have minded remaining like that forever when, abruptly, the phone started ringing.

Seishiro-san seemed to not have heard it... and Subaru felt regret when he pointed out that the phone was ringing... he didn't want their embrace to be interrupted but... but it was Seishiro-san's phone... and it was ringing... and maybe it was an important call for Seishiro-san and...

"Ignore it..." the man suggested. Subaru didn't reply but he didn't move either, looking confused but obediently remaining in his embrace. The phone, however, didn't stop ringing and the more it rang the tenser Subaru seemed to grow. Seishiro frowned, that stupid ringing thing was definitely ruining the mood, then, with a sigh, untangled himself from Subaru, kissed him on his forehead, assured him he would be right back and went to answer to it.

Subaru stared at Seishiro-san as the man left him and went to answer to the phone, not sure of what he should think. The further Seishiro-san walked away from him the more he felt dizzy and cold. His vision began to blur and he ended up leaning against the door.

Unconsciously Subaru wrapped his hands around himself as if trying to hold himself together, afraid that, at the first wrong move, he would break apart.

He'd been hugged.

Seishiro-san had hugged him and hadn't died, Seishiro-san had remained alive despite being so close to Subaru.

Or had he died and Subaru hadn't even noticed he had died as had happened the last time they'd been together, that last time on that bridge and he... he...

Blood... blood was everywhere... his hands sticky and viscous... his scent strong and nauseating... and the bridge was trembling under him and... and everything was fading and...

His legs gave out but, before he could fall with the bridge, he was caught and cradled close to a warm, strong body.

He knew that body, he knew that body's owner. He could feel safe only when he was next to him.

Safe...

"Subaru... Subaru!"

Weakly, Subaru forced his eyes open.

Seishiro-san was there, supporting him, looking at him anxiously.

He wasn't dead.

He was alive.

Subaru blinked, then clung to him.

"Seishiro-san... you're not dead, are you?" he asked Seishiro-san for... well, Subaru didn't remember anymore which time it was. Somehow it seemed always the first time, even if he knew it must have been the last of a long series. Seishiro-san seemed about to sigh but in the end he simply shook his head and gently smiled down at him.

"I'm very much alive, Subaru," the man assured him, taking Subaru's hand into his and resting it on his cheek. "Here, can you feel it? I'm alive and I'm with you. No reason to worry."

Subaru stared at him. The man felt warm under Subaru's fingers. Alive. Subaru wondered if it might be possible that Seishiro-san was really...

"You look exhausted. Let's make you sit down," Seishiro-san suggested as he picked him up in his arms nonchalantly, as if he was used to carrying him around, and carried him to a couch. Once Seishiro-san put him down there Subaru looked around hesitantly, taking note of the changes between what he remembered and how the house was now. That room too was more... lived in than what he remembered.

He couldn't explain exactly how.

Maybe it depended on the fact that there were more objects in it and they weren't all perfectly ordered and covered by a fine layer of dust.

And some of them... perfectly matched Subaru's taste, some of them had belonged to him and he...

"Don't be so nervous, Subaru. That's your house too. You can do whatever you want here," Seishiro reassured him, leaning down on him as he noticed how the boy looked around shyly without daring to touch anything or even moving further from the place where Seishiro had put him.

Subaru looked up at him hesitantly, looking more like a lost child than the twenty-six years old man he was.(5) Seishiro was starting to be sure that whatever Subaru remembered it was hell or something close to it and yet, here he was, still looking up at him and at him only for help, refusing desperately to be parted from him.

This Subaru was still _**his**_ Subaru and that was good, Seishiro mused as he affectionately ruffled Subaru's hair as he had done many times when Subaru had been a child.

Subaru lowered his gaze feeling embarrassed, believing that Seishiro-san must think him childish for acting like that. He just... didn't know how to behave anymore, what to show anymore, what to believe anymore.

After Hokuto-chan's death he had learned to act cold and detached to put a wall between himself and the world to not get hurt, but then Seishiro-san had died on him, leaving him alone and then Subaru had died too... but Seishiro-san had told him he got it all wrong and no one died and Seishiro-san was acting nice to him and telling him things that Subaru knew couldn't be true and he couldn't understand, all he knew was that he felt so tremendously scared and...

"Who was on the phone?" Subaru forced himself to ask, looking up at him, trying to behave normally, wishing desperately to know how to handle the situation. He needed to hear Seishiro-san talking to him, even if on a trivial matter. He needed the man's attention so badly... Seishiro-san's gaze darkened and Subaru lowered his head immediately. "Ah... hem... if I can ask, I mean, I... I didn't want to pry, I..." he stammered nervously.

"No one," Seishiro-san stated coldly and Subaru cringed at that tone. He had messed up and made the man mad and so Seishiro-san would die on him again and this time without leaving him his eye and Subaru would go insane without Seishiro-san, insane, if he wasn't already and...

"I'm sorry, don't die, I'm sorry, don't die, I'm sorry, don't die," he began repeating, not even realizing he had curled up on himself and was rocking back and forth. He didn't even realize that Seishiro-san had sat next to him or that he was talking to him. He noticed however, when Seishiro-san's arms went around him and dragged him against the man, making him lean against Seishiro-san's chest, pulling him in Seishiro-san's lap, stopping Subaru's rocking motion and shielding him protectively. However he was still so scared it took a while for Subaru to make out Seishiro-san's words.

"... Not going to die, I'm here, Subaru, I'm not going to die, I'm here, I'll stay with you don't worry, I'm not going to die, calm down, I'm here, I'm here..."

When Subaru finally understood what Seishiro was saying all he could do was to cling to him tightly, as tightly as he could, inhaling Seishiro-san's scent, seeking Seishiro-san's warmness, letting himself be lulled by Seishiro-san's words and soothed by Seishiro-san's gentle caresses, until he managed to slow down his racing heart a little.

"Subaru?" the man asked him when Subaru was a little calmer. "You still love me, me and no one else, don't you?" Subaru thought that Seishiro-san's voice sounded weird... because to him it seemed urgent, anxious and oddly childish, as if Seishiro-san could really fear that Subaru might not love him, when Subaru knew perfectly well that Seishiro-san couldn't care less about him or his feelings. He looked up at the man and saw Seishiro-san's golden eyes, both of them and not just one as it had been for such a long time, looking intensely at him, straight at him, without the barrier of the eyeglasses Seishiro-san had worn during _'the year'_. Now that he thought of it he hadn't seen Seishiro-san wearing glasses from the moment he had awoken in the hospital. He preferred it this way, to have the man's eyes directly on him without barriers between them.(6)

"I don't think I know how not to love you," he answered Seishiro-san's question honestly. He had tried to not love the man, he had tried desperately and failed miserably. He had come to the conclusion he was born just to love Seishiro-san. Nothing else. Not to be an Onmyouji, not to be the Sumeragi No TouShu, not to be a Ten no Ryu, not to be a Chi no Ryu, not to be the Sakurazukamori. Just to love him. There must be something in his DNA, in his soul that bonded him to the man this badly, so badly he just... couldn't let him go. It was too bad his feelings weren't returned but Subaru already knew he wasn't born to be happy.

He felt Seishiro-san's hug tightening and he found himself liking it.

"Then everything will go well, Subaru, don't worry. I'll always stay with you and take care of everything, I promise. No one will get in between the two of us," the man whispered to him. Subaru wasn't sure if that was good or bad and he had felt the threat in Seishiro-san's voice when he had said that _'no one would get in between the two of them'_. However Subaru didn't care. As long as Seishiro-san was alive and with him it didn't matter what could happen to him or to the others.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. In the manga Subaru's waiting on the bridge, smoking, when someone behind him takes his hand into his, stopping him from taking another drag from his cigarette. Said someone is, of course, Seishiro.

2. As everyone probably knows Subaru is also the name of a Japanese automobile manufacturing division. Seishiro's Subaru is an Impreza, available in 1993, a compact car that substituted the Subaru Leone (for who doesn't remember/know it CLAMP named Subaru's Shikigami Leone in **'Shoten'**).

3. A month after Seishiro's death we see Subaru is in the garden of the Sakurazukamori Hontaku. I assume Subaru lived there for a while.

4. Despite the place not looking so bad when we see it in **'X'** Seishiro's first impression of it on the drama cd was that it was a prison to trap his mother.

5. I know that in **'X'** Subaru is twenty-five but who said we're still in 1999?

6. No, I'm not going to imply Seishiro didn't need the eyeglasses... just that he didn't need to wear them so often.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
In this chapter the most difficult thing to handle was Subaru. Subaru is slightly insane, seriously depressed and he's finding it very hard to believe his new reality is not going to disappear around him. He's not scared Seishiro might psychically abuse him, his biggest fear is to either wake up or be abandoned again.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Hontaku:** Main Residence  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Sumeragi no TouShu:** Sumeragi's Head  
**Sumeragi-Ke:** Sumeragi Family  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To **Amy Levi**: I'm glad you like poor, insane Subaru. The poor boy is in a really messy state...

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: (blush) Thank you. Surely Subaru's not having a easy life.

To **Hatori Soma**: Here's a new chapter! So you think that's not a lie:)

To **nachan**: I'm glad you like this story! I hope the mystery will continue to intrigue you!

To **EoEDaD**: Well, if it was all happiness and sunshine it won't be much of a plot so yes, Subaru's going to have lot of troubles!

To **wraith**: I've hidden them in a very secure place... but here there's another!

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	5. Chap 4: 4th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 4: 4th Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

In Seishiro's opinion, things went smoothly enough on Subaru's first day back at home. Of course, Subaru was tense, meek, tense, scared of basically everything, tense, deliciously clingy and did he mention tense? But Seishiro was sure they could cope with that. After all, it wasn't as if he minded spending the day cuddling Subaru… on the contrary, it was a pleasant change. Before the accident Subaru had grown a bit distant… but now he was back to clingy mode and Seishiro thought that, maybe something good would come from that mess if it returned Subaru's attention solely on him. Sure, having Subaru act as if he didn't remember what had happened between the two of them displeased him immensely … but he was sure this was only a small obstacle they would overcome soon. Yes, soon. Soon everything would be back to normal and he and Subaru would be back to their happy life and hopefully Subaru would remain as clingy as he was right now and everything would be fine. Yes, sure, it would happen exactly like that.

When lunchtime came Seishiro, despite Subaru's complaint that he wasn't hungry, prepared him a nutritious lunch, taking care to prepare the things Subaru loved the most.

After all Subaru had eaten nothing the day before and, while he might understand that being fed through tubes for a week might have affected Subaru's appetite (which had never been too healthy in the first place), he had no intention of letting the boy starve himself. He found it cute how Subaru, understanding Seishiro wouldn't give up on his plan to feed him, volunteered to help him in the kitchen. Seishiro, however, turned down his offer, not just because Subaru had never been good in the cooking department but because, in truth, Seishiro simply didn't want him to overtire himself or use a knife ever again. Somehow the idea of having Subaru near a knife gave him a nauseating feeling he couldn't explain.

When Seishiro turned down his offer Subaru looked at him like a cute, lost, wounded puppy, his hands moving to reach for him, then, before they could touch Seishiro, Subaru lowered his gaze unhappily dropping them. It was as if he believed Seishiro was abandoning him but didn't dare to stop him. It was a rather heartbreaking sight. Seishiro softly smiled at him, wrapped his arm around Subaru's shoulders, pulled him close and rested his other hand on Subaru's cheek forcing him to raise his gaze and meet his eyes.

"There's no need for you to help me, Subaru… but this doesn't mean you can't come and keep me company," he suggested. "Actually, I would like that if it's okay for you," he added and was pleased to see Subaru's eyes widening in surprise before the boy nodded eagerly and followed Seishiro into the kitchen, looking as if being allowed to keep Seishiro company was like a precious gift to him.

So, a short while later Seishiro was busy preparing lunch while Subaru was seated at the kitchen table, crossed arms resting on the table as he stared at Seishiro intently, as if the man was the sun of Subaru's world. It was rather pleasant to be back to being the centre of so much attention, an attention bordering on adoration really, even if Subaru was being a tad too quiet and silent. The boy had never really been a talker but… he had never been that silent either. It was almost… as if he was afraid to speak, as if he feared to be chased away, should he say the wrong thing… which was silly really because no matter what he would say Seishiro would never chase him away and loved the sound of his voice to the point that he wouldn't mind if Subaru simply read him the telephone guide. But maybe that wasn't the time to stress Subaru with requests and just leaving him to quietly get used to things would be the best policy. After all, Subaru had always been slow at adapting to new things. So Seishiro took it on himself the role to fill the silence with careless chattering to which Subaru didn't seem able to reply with more than a syllable or two at best. It wasn't really promising but, when Seishiro was about to give up hope of coaxing the boy into talking a little, Subaru finally tried to start a conversation.

"Seishiro-san?" he began in a very hesitant tone, as if he was ready to shut up at the first sign of Seishiro's displeasure at his words. "Why was I at the hospital?" Of course, as nice as it was to have Subaru finally talking, Seishiro found it rather unpleasant the boy had chosen to discuss that particular topic. However, if Subaru's memory was gone and didn't return back soon, they would have to talk about it sooner or later, so… they could as well do it now.

"You had… an accident," Seishiro said slowly, as if searching for words carefully, turning to face him, wondering if it was a good or a bad thing that Subaru was asking him that. Was the boy finally starting to believe that his memories weren't real or was there was another reason for his question, one Seishiro couldn't fathom at the moment.

"An… accident?" Subaru repeated, looking confused, gaze lowered and hands clenched as if he was trying really hard to grasp pieces of his memories and failing.

"Subaru-kun… you don't remember even that?" Seishiro asked, half suspecting the answer was '_no'_ as he moved closer to Subaru. The boy simply shook his head without daring to look up at him. Seishiro watched him in silence, giving him time to collect his thoughts.

"I…" Subaru finally began hesitantly, pausing a moment as if to see if he was allowed to continue speaking. "I remember the Chi no Ryu's Kamui stabbing me with the ShinKen to explain something to Kamui, the Ten no Ryu's Kamui, but I've no wounds on my stomach, not even scars and… and…" he went on when Seishiro made no attempt to stop him but his last words were said hurriedly and jumbled as he tried hard to remember what had happened afterwards… or to understand how this could match with what Seishiro had told him.

"Subaru," Seishiro interrupted him, resting his hand gently on top of Subaru's and squeezing it lightly. "The Chi no Ryu's Kamui is dead. He died a year ago, during the last battle."

"A year ago?" Subaru echoed, finally turning to look at him and seeming even more lost and confused.

"A year ago. In 1999," Seishiro replied, giving him time to let the information sink into Subaru's confused brain.

"Isn't it now? 1999 I mean. Isn't it 1999 now?" Subaru asked anxiously, his other hand moving instinctively to grip Seishiro's before he realized what he was doing and gave him an unconfident look, as if he had no idea if such familiarity was allowed. Seishiro smiled.

"It's 2000 now," he explained in a reassuring tone, smiling as he caressed Subaru's cheek with his free hand. "February, the 27th. It's okay if you don't remember a couple of months, nothing really interesting happened in them anyway," he assured him as Subaru unconsciously leaned into his touch as if he needed that contact to make sure Seishiro was real. The younger man stared at him, looking as if he was having hard time processing it all.

"Am I… twenty-six now?" he said then, hesitantly, as if trying to grasp the concept.

"Yes, you're twenty-six," Seishiro replied patiently, still smiling at him.

"I don't remember it…" Subaru admitted, lowering his gaze for a moment. "Did I remember to visit Hokuto-chan's grave at the end of the year?" he asked, anxiety back in his voice. Subaru knew he shouldn't count Hokuto-chan's years, so he wouldn't tie her soul to the living world, and therefore he didn't visit her grave on their birthday. Instead he dropped by regularly to visit her at the end of the year.(1)

Seishiro blinked at Subaru's question, studying him quizzically.

"Subaru… Hokuto-chan is alive," he reminded him. "She kept you company at the hospital after you woke up, when I came back here to change and have a shower. She said you were awake and talked to her. Don't you remember any of that?" he asked gently. It was going to be bad if Subaru was starting to lose the memory of what had happened after he had awoken also… it would mean he would never recover since any progress he made and any explanation Seishiro offered would end up being forgotten shortly after…

"But she was a ghost… or a hallucination…" Subaru replied, looking at him pleadingly. "She couldn't be real… Hokuto-chan died when she was seventeen… That Hokuto-chan… she was older than that…" He would have loved for his sister to be alive, truly, it was one of the things he wished for the most, but… but it wouldn't make any sense… hadn't Seishiro-san killed her in Subaru's place? And if he hadn't… why had she let him believe she died? Why had everyone let him believe his sister was dead?

"Subaru, don't you remember? No one died," Seishiro-san reminded him. Subaru remembered the man telling him that but… it hadn't made sense at the time and it still didn't. It didn't match with his memories at all. Had he gone insane? Or had he been deluding himself and this was some sort of dream? And anyway…

"But you said the Chi no Ryu's Kamui died. And I remember Hokuto-chan… I mean… I know you said my memory's not working well but I know I felt Hokuto-chan dying and… and…" Subaru tried to explain but found himself unable to continue. He wanted to believe Hokuto-chan was alive but he was terrified at the mere idea he was deluding himself only to discover he'd been the victim of another illusion.

"No one that matters died," Seishiro clarified. "Well, the Chi no Ryu's Kamui died but I never thought you cared about him…" Well, that wasn't right; Subaru cared for everyone, Seishiro reminded himself but still… why worry about the brat's death? "Hokuto-chan is alive. I also fear she's planning to pay us a visit soon. Hopefully Kakyou will stop her from doing it today. Today I want to have you all for myself and myself only," Seishiro stated, grinning at the boy. "Don't worry, Subaru, right now you're confused because your memories are a bit messed up but everything will make sense in the end. Give yourself some time, okay?"

"Hokuto-chan is alive," Subaru repeated, trying to get used to the idea. It was a good thing that Hokuto-chan was alive only… it was unbelievable. Seishiro-san nodded encouragingly at him. "And today it'll be just the two of us," he added, still holding Seishiro-san's hand between his own.

"Exactly, Subaru," the man confirmed, still smiling at him patiently. It made no sense to Subaru, none at all but… but… but Seishiro's hand was in his own, so warm and… real and…

"I'm glad it will be just the two of us, Seishiro-san," he whispered quietly. It didn't matter really if he didn't understand. It wasn't so important to understand, after all. What truly mattered was that Seishiro-san was there and Hokuto-chan wasn't dead.

"I'm glad too, Subaru. Very glad," Seishiro-san replied, squeezing Subaru's hand tightly as he too needed to make sure Subaru was real. They remained like that in silence for a while as they waited for lunch to be ready but neither of them seemed to mind. They were together again, only this mattered.

* * *

Despite the small progresses made, Seishiro had to privately admit to himself he wasn't very pleased with the way Subaru handled lunch now. First there had been a long string of '_really, Seishiro-san, I'm not hungry'_ then, when Subaru finally gave up on trying to persuade him he didn't need to eat, the boy just spent a good amount of time staring at the food on his plate without touching it. When Seishiro asked him if the problem was that he didn't like what he had cooked for him, Subaru denied it vehemently and tried to eat it. '_Tried'_ being the operative word.

Basically all he did was rearrange the food on the plate dividing it up into always smaller portions. Seishiro wondered if Subaru was trying to get everything eventually divided on a subatomic level. He had heard that people afflicted with an eating disorder would perform that ritual or one similar to it but, before, Subaru had never done anything like that…

The boy had never had a particularly healthy appetite but he had always eaten regularly…

Seishiro stared at Subaru's meticulous work for a while before deciding he had to take the matter into his own hands if he wanted Subaru to actually eat the food and not just play with it. Subaru looked at him as if he thought Seishiro had suddenly gone insane when he took bowl and chopsticks from him and started to fed him, however the fact he was gaping had made it even simpler for Seishiro to put some food into his mouth. Subaru kept staring at him, chewing only when Seishiro reminded him to do so, actually chewing the food a bit longer than necessary before swallowing, but he didn't argue and he let Seishiro feed him, eating an acceptable amount of food (not all he had on the plate but at least… enough) even if he looked very embarrassed the whole time.

* * *

After lunch the phone rang again. Subaru, curled up on the couch, stared at Seishiro-san as the man went to answer, without daring to make so much of a noise and looking a pretty miserable sight. He wasn't sure why but he understood Seishiro-san got angry when the phone rang and he had no idea if the irritation would cause him to get rid of Subaru as well. To make matters worse, it looked like this too was another prank call since no one bothered to answer to Seishiro-san and this definitely didn't please him, if the fact he slammed the receiver down quite violently was any hint. Subaru just cringed and felt rather pathetic but the only thing he could think was he didn't want to be sent away.

Seishiro-san caught his scared gaze, went to sit down next to him and managed to drag him into his arms. It was a quite possessive, tight hold. At first it was very awkward for Subaru, then he finally relaxed and allowed himself to… to enjoy it, to enjoy being embraced, being held close. Despite the embarrassing position they were in he… he liked it and he liked it even more when the man loosened his hold a bit and started petting him as he would have done with a kitten. It was soothing and Subaru didn't even realize he had closed his eyes while enjoying the gentle contact. He was almost about to doze off when Seishiro-san spoke.

"Subaru… what exactly do you remember?" the man asked him in a thoughtful tone.

"That you were dead," Subaru replied immediately, going straight to the thing that mattered the most to him, instinctively clinging to Seishiro-san as he felt all the pain that memory carried in full.

"I got that much. I told you that's not true, didn't I?" the man replied, his tone much gentler. Subaru looked up at him.

"Tell me again. Please…" he asked, almost pleading. Seishiro-san smiled down at him and didn't seem to be angry anymore.

"I'm not dead. We live together. Hokuto-chan isn't dead either but, thank Kami-sama, she doesn't live with us. She's married to Kakyou by the way. Do you remember Kakyou?" he asked. Subaru frowned as he scanned his mind for memories. Kakyou… he had already heard that name…

"He was… a Chi no Ryu… wasn't he? Their YumeMi…" he said hesitantly. Seishiro-san nodded and seemed pleased that Subaru remembered. Subaru tried to remember more about the man that had, apparently, married his sister. He'd been in the Chi no Ryu's headquarters only once.(2) Kamui, the Chi no Ryu's Kamui, had wanted him to meet Kakyou-san, even if he hadn't explained to him why. Subaru remembered a comatose man lying in a bed with many cables attached to his body and computer screens monitoring his condition. He hadn't understood why Kamui had wanted them to meet. It wasn't like they had anything in common. Kakyou had let him enter into his dreamscape but the talk between the two of them had been very formal and meaningless but then everything, after Seishiro-san's death, had seemed meaningless.

"Isn't he in a coma anymore?" he asked then.

"Kakyou has never been in coma as far as I know, Subaru. He'd been suicidal and seriously depressed but that was all. Hokuto-chan's turned him into a much livelier person even if he's still very quiet," Seishiro-san informed him. Subaru didn't comment on that. He couldn't remember it but knowing Hokuto-chan that should have been expected.

"Hokuto-chan… is she happy?" Subaru asked hesitantly. If Hokuto-chan was happy, then it was okay, he decided. Hokuto-chan's happiness was the important thing, not that the man had been a Chi no Ryu or if he'd been in coma.

"Why shouldn't she be?" Seishiro-san replied. "She seems to love Kakyou. Why is beyond me but at least he's less intrusive."

"I always thought Obaachan would try to force her into an arranged marriage with some Onmyouji…" Subaru replied quietly, his gaze lowering. "I had never been sure if I would have managed to stop her, had Hokuto-chan lived…"

"Subaru, Hokuto-chan lived and you stopped your grandmother from forcing her into an unwanted marriage," Seishiro-san told him and Subaru could only stare at him.

"I did?" he asked. He didn't remember it at all and, anyway, he hadn't expected himself to be capable to accomplish something like that.

"You did. No one can stop Sumeragi Subaru when he wants something," Seishiro-san stated cheerfully. Subaru couldn't manage to smile back. He remembered too many instances in which he had been stopped, in which he hadn't gotten what he wanted.

"What… what about the others? The others Chi no Ryu and Ten no Ryu, I mean," Subaru asked. It wasn't what he wanted to ask. What he wanted to ask was how his life with Seishiro-san had been, when they had started living together, why Seishiro-san was being so nice to him, when the man would kick him out and say that, to him, Subaru was nothing else but a glass cup… but he couldn't bring himself to ask that. He just couldn't.

"Let's see… Kusanagi left with the girl with the Pocky and the Inugami…" Seishiro-san said after a moment of reflection.

"Yuzuriha-chan?" Subaru asked. Of all the Ten no Ryu besides Kamui Yuzuriha-chan was the one who had become closest to him, which wasn't much but it was far more than the others. She had given him a stuffed bunny and she had reminded him of Hokuto-chan. She had been the only one with whom he had talked of non '_work related'_ issues, even if had happened only once when she had come to visit him at the hospital. As for this Kusanagi… no, he didn't remember him. He didn't think he'd met him.(3)

"I think that was her name. Nice girl. She offered me Pocky. No idea how she fell for Kusanagi but maybe she was the reason why we never saw him at the headquarters…" Seishiro observed. "As for Yuto he got himself almost killed and this convinced Satsuki-chan to marry him," he continued. Subaru tried to remember them. They should be the blond guy and the girl with the computer. At least he thought so.

"Nataku died. The Honootsukai too," Seishiro-san continued. "The Chi no Ryu's Kamui killed them both off in one blow."

Subaru remembered Nataku's death but not Karen-san's. He tried to feel sorry for her but he hadn't really talked to her. His lack of caring made him feel guilty and he snuggled closer in Seishiro-san's embrace.

"Kanoe and her sister died too," Seishiro-san went on, listing deaths uncaring like the items on a shopping list. Subaru thought that, for that being a world in which no one who mattered had died, in fact too many had died. However he knew Kanoe-san even less than Karen-san and as for Hinoto-hime… she was the one who sent him to Rainbow Bridge and, according to the Chi no Ryu's Kamui, she did so knowing what was going to happen. Subaru was disgusted by himself at the thought that he didn't mind her death much. What had he become? Some sort of monster?

"The Kazetsukai is fine, as far as I know. The young Bousan managed to get out of the hospital the past month. He's planning to marry the Miko from Ise. That's all, I think," Seishiro-san ended.

"What about Kamui?" Subaru asked anxiously.

"The boy's fine. Imonoyama-san is paying for anything the brat might need," Seishiro-san stated coldly. Subaru had the impression Seishiro didn't like Kamui much, but had no idea why.

"Obaachan?" Subaru questioned then. Seishiro emitted a long suffering sigh.

"Sadly she's still alive and she's still pestering you with work. She's not too pleased about our living together, either… which is too bad for her," he explained. He refrained to comment that the old bitch was so busy being properly offended about Seishiro and Subaru's relationship that she hadn't even bothered to visit her grandson while he was in the hospital. Not that Seishiro had wanted her around. Actually he hadn't wanted anyone around, not even Hokuto-chan. All he had wanted was to be with Subaru, just the two of them, but he knew that a visit would have made Subaru happy while knowing his grandmother hadn't visited would only sadden him.

"Oh," was all that Subaru replied before falling silent, trying to put together all those facts. They didn't really match with the reality he knew…

"Aren't you going to ask about us?" Seishiro questioned in a teasing tone, a grin on his lips. He frowned when he felt Subaru tense, as if that was a topic the boy dreaded to face.

"I…" Subaru tried to say. "I…"

"Subaru, what do you remember about us?"

"You died…" Subaru whimpered. It seemed that this '_memory'_ was haunting him too much to let it go and that merely thinking of it drove him close to insanity and hysteria. "It was my fault… It was all my fault. I'm so sorry, Seishiro-san, I… I…" he began repeating as if it was a mantra of some sort. Seishiro placed one of his fingers on Subaru's lips, silencing him.

"I didn't die, Subaru," Seishiro reassured him, wondering how many times he would need to repeat it before Subaru would believe him. Oh well at least Subaru hadn't mentioned the '_eye thing'_ again… Seishiro decided to consider it a progress of some sort. "I'll tell you what happened and you'll tell me if you remember or not, okay?" he continued in a gentle, soothing tone. Subaru hesitated, then nodded. "Okay, then let's see… where to start… We first met when you were around nine…" Seishiro began, affectionately caressing Subaru's hair as he spoke, in such a natural way it seemed he had done it all his life. "When you came here for the ceremony of succession…"

Everything Seishiro-san might have said was interrupted when the phone rang again. Subaru felt Seishiro-san instinctively tightening his grip around him, glaring at the phone without attempting to continue talking. Subaru tensed as well in response to Seishiro-san's reaction. The phone kept ringing obstinately. Subaru looked up at Seishiro-san but the man didn't seem to have any intention to take the call. That obsessive ringing was starting to scare Subaru. He knew it was an irrational fear to feel threatened by a phone but he felt it anyway. That ringing was like an alarm clock that would force him out of a pleasant dream. This pleasant dream.

He didn't want to wake up.

The mere thought of waking up was unbearable.

He squirmed closer to Seishiro-san.

"Make it stop…" he almost begged, covering his ears with his hands as if not hearing it would be enough to make it disappear. He behaved exactly like a scared child. The man looked down at him, then stroked his hair comfortingly.

"Wait here," Seishiro-san instructed him before untangling himself from Subaru's hold and getting up. Subaru shot him a desperate glance. Seishiro-san just smiled back at him. "I'll be right back," he assured him before facing that evil contraption called telephone. Subaru curled on himself, staring at him anxiously. Seishiro-san answered but, apparently, no one replied.

Another prank call. This wasn't good.

Subaru expected Seishiro-san to get angry again but the man simply disconnected the phone and returned back to him. Subaru looked at him warily. Seishiro-san knelt in front of him and stared at him.

"You know I won't let anything tear us apart, don't you, Subaru?" Seishiro-san asked him, slowly caressing Subaru's cheek gently. "You're mine and mine only and I'll protect you from everything." Subaru blinked at the man's statement, which reminded him of the rules of the Bet.

"For how much longer? How much time do I still have?" he asked, pleading, resting his hand on Seishiro-san's one. "I… I…" '_I don't want to fail a second time, I don't want to lose you a second time…'_ he thought but couldn't say.

It was Seishiro-san's turn to blink, as if what Subaru had said was really strange, as if the man had never thought to set a timeframe.

"Forever, of course. Why should there be a time limit?" Subaru didn't reply and lowered his head. He had no idea why there had been a time limit the first time but that had been how things went and that was his only experience of being with Seishiro-san.

Seishiro looked at him worriedly, then sat next to him and drew him closer and felt Subaru leaning against him with a tired sigh. No, messed up memory or not, Subaru was his and he wouldn't allow anything and anyone to tear them apart again, he vowed to himself, everything else be damned. What had happened that cursed day…

It couldn't be '_that'_.

His Subaru would never have tried to leave him willingly, he knew that. And yet…

"You'll stay with me forever, Subaru, I promise," Seishiro vowed and Subaru seemed to find relief in his words as he snuggled closer to him and that was good. Seishiro, however, wasn't sure Subaru would have appreciated his words, had he known Seishiro didn't plan to leave him a choice in the matter…

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. In X Character File 3 it is said that '_you shouldn't count the age of dead people to keep the souls separated from their bodies and at peace. To keep those souls tied down with the remorse of the people still living and grieving over them.'_

2. I've no idea if Subaru has ever been in the Chi no Ryu's headquarters and has ever met Kakyou, in person or in dream. Since he showed no interest in the end of the world he might as well never have been there.

3. Subaru's chat with Yuzuriha took place in '**X'** Vol. 12.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
I know, I know, Subaru's being very passive at the moment. He's also half insane and deeply traumatized so he can't really help the way he is and there are various reasons for this which will be explained in the future. As this is an AU some things about the final battle went very differently from the manga which is why Subaru's memories and Seishiro's tale don't match.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Bousan:** "Monk" or "Buddhist priest"  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Hime:** Princess  
**Honootsukai:** Fire Caster  
**Inugami:** "Dog God". A dog shaped spirit that someone control  
**Kazetsukai:** Wind Caster  
**Miko:** "Shrine Maiden" or "Priestess"  
**Obaachan:** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**ShinKen:** "Sword Given By God" or "Sword Offered To God"  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven  
**YumeMi:** "Dreamgazer". One that can see the future in dreams

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To **FrancescAkira89**: Yes, Seishiro is still a Sakurazukamori but that's all I'm going to say about him, for now. You'll discover more in the future. And of course there's a mistery behind why Subaru ended up where he is... Please, feel free to guess which is the reason for him to be there!

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: Seishiro's unfailing very super-protective/possessive. You know him...

To **Hatori Soma**: Here's a new chapter! So you think that's not a lie? :)

To **nachan**: I'm glad you like this story! I hope the mystery will continue to intrigue you!

To **EoEDaD**: Well, if it was all happiness and sunshine it won't be much of a plot so yes, Subaru's going to have lot of troubles!

To **wraith**: What beautiful reviews! They really made my day! Thank you! Hokuto will show up soon, don't worry, even if she'll have troubles to handle this new Subaru. The plot is supposed to be misterious but, in order for this to work, I've to know where the fic is heading. However you're free to try to guess the solution of each mistery. I love when people do it! The answer to who's on the phone will be revealed around the end of the fic, so consider it one of the main misteries of the story... so, if you're curious to know, you're in for a long wait. If there are few mistakes it's solely thanks to my beta. Left on my own I would be lost... THANK AGAIN FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEW!

To **abcdianna**: Well, I can't reveal the ending now but I hope you'll enjoy it!

To **Mana-Reader**: TB/X is sadly, becoming less popular... but I'm glad you enjoy my story!

To **Amy Levi**: Yes, Subaru isn't in a easy situation and I'm glad you think I managed to keep him IC. Please, feel free to try to guess the solutions to the story's misteries!

To **poo82**: Well, I can't give you spoilers but yes, Subaru's story is rather sad. I'm happy you like this fic!

To **Billy**: I won't let it end, don't worry!

To **kingleby**: Thank you! Subaru really needs a hug!

To **KB**: Thank you! Sorry for the long wait but here there's the new chap!

**Aria DC al Fine**: I didn't mean it, I swear! I hope at least it was worth it!

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	6. Chap 5: 5th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 5: 5th Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

In the end Subaru and Seishiro didn't talk about their life together on that afternoon. They just remained together in silence, hugging each other until Seishiro-san's gaze fell on his watch and he declared it was almost time for them to have dinner and that he should start preparing it. At the mention of the word _'dinner'_ Subaru couldn't avoid making a face. He felt even less hungry than at lunch. In fact, he would have preferred dinner entirely. The mere idea of eating again was making him feel nauseous.

He tried, however, to be obedient. He didn't really want to cause trouble and Seishiro-san had always loved eating, especially sweets, and the man had a right to be hungry at that hour. So he let him go prepare dinner, volunteered to help him, and feeling a sense of shame mixed with relief when his offer was turned down (he didn't want to be completely useless but he didn't know how to cook either...) and, once dinner was ready, he attempted to eat it. However, he managed to force down only a couple of bites on his own, chewing them so slowly people might fall asleep waiting for him to finish.

"Subaru... do you need a hand with that?" Seishiro-san asked him after a while in a patient tone. Subaru energetically shook his head and lowered his gaze, refusing to meet the man's eyes. Being fed once had been embarrassing enough. He didn't need to further show what a failure he was to Seishiro-san. However he was startled when the man caressed his hair gently.

"You're not eating properly, Subaru," Seishiro-san pointed out in a tone that sounded... concerned somehow. Subaru winced at his words, perceiving them like a complaint.

"I... I'm sorry, I..." he hurried to say. He would try to do better, he would do everything Seishiro-san wished from him, he...

"Subaru, I'm not reproaching you. I'm just worried," Seishiro-san told him and those words hurt because Subaru wanted so badly for them to be true, wanted so badly to have Seishiro-san worrying about him, even if he had spent most of his life trying to not worry anyone, he truly, honestly wished to have Seishiro-san worrying about him, just him, caring for him, for how he was, for what he did... He bit his lower lip, trying to push back those emotions that were threatening to take control of him. He was stronger than that. He couldn't start to cry again. He wouldn't. He...

He tried to ignore the fact that Seishiro-san sighed and stood up, probably bored with that pointless discussion, and felt totally confused when the man moved behind him and hugged his trembling body, hugged **__him__**, hugged him from behind as he used to do when Subaru had been a shy teenager and... and... hesitantly Subaru closed his eyes and rested his hands on Seishiro-san's arms, trying to concentrate solely on the feeling of being hugged like that again. He'd missed it so much... Maybe it was all an act, maybe Seishiro-san was merely pretending to care for him, but, as far as Subaru was concerned, he hoped he would keep on pretending as long as Subaru lived.

* * *

They spent the rest of the evening on the couch, pretending to watch the television. Despite all his attempts to relax and be natural, Subaru was tense, impossibly tense, and was trying his hardest not to curl up like a child and jump at each noise. Seishiro-san instead seemed perfectly comfortable. Subaru didn't realize the man was doing his best to look nonchalant as he tried to get closer to Subaru without scaring him. Seishiro had realized it had been a mistake to tell Subaru he wasn't eating enough. The boy was such a psychological mess that the tiniest comment that might remotely sound like a reproach made him panic. Oh well, at least he had stopped trembling. Now, if only he could manage to pull Subaru closer... Slowly, so very slowly, Seishiro managed to wrap his arm around Subaru's shoulders and felt instant relief when Subaru just glanced at him, then... leaned against him hesitantly, like a puppy in need of affection. He smiled as he rested his cheek against Subaru's head, enjoying that closeness. It was difficult to handle Subaru while he was in that state and he didn't really have any idea how to act anymore. He had never seen him so scared and confused before. It was... upsetting. It was almost as if Subaru had lost his will to live... He heard Subaru mumbling something, unconsciously clinging to him and leaning against him more and smiled as he noticed the boy had started to doze off.

"Subaru? Subaru," he called and found it adorable how Subaru raised his head to look at him with sleepy green eyes. "Ne, Subaru, it's kind of late, why don't we go to bed?" he suggested. Subaru blinked at his words and Seishiro thought he was so close... so close... and he had missed him so much... that he...

However, before he could do or say something, Subaru's gaze had lowered again.

"I don't know where I sleep..." the boy admitted weakly in an embarrassed whisper. Seishiro felt tempted to groan. Of all the things Subaru could have forgotten this was definitely one of the worst and one that could turn very troublesome if he didn't play his cards well.

"Subaru... don't you remember where you slept before?" he asked, tentatively deciding the best course of action would be to find out what Subaru remembered before saying something that he might take the wrong way.

Subaru's head lowered further and he looked even more embarrassed.

"Your room..." he whispered in such a low tone Seishiro barely heard it.(1) Good. At least Subaru remembered this. One problem solved.

"Well, you can keep sleeping there," Seishiro assured him, seeing absolutely nothing wrong in that. To his displeasure, however, Subaru shook his head.

"I can't. I can't kick you out of your room..." the boy said quietly, as if he had no idea they could share the room and, more importantly, the bed, without any problems. "I'll sleep on the couch," he then volunteered in a firm tone, even if his gaze was still lowered and he didn't really seem satisfied with the solution. Not that Seishiro was going to consider that idea as a satisfying solution either.

"Subaru..." Seishiro began then just stared at the boy. Was it possible that Subaru didn't remember that they had been sleeping together for quite a long while? That he didn't even suspect that they...

Probably, he admitted to himself and had no idea if he found this annoying or cute. Maybe a little of both. Subaru had always been a bit too nave for his own good. It had been something that had amused Seishiro to no end when Subaru had been a teenager in love but totally inexperienced in expressing that love and terminally shy to boot, but now he'd rather do without that trait. Even if yes, it was still very cute that Subaru could be so nave and innocent... impractical but cute... He smiled.

"Silly boy, you can have the room for yourself if that's what you want. It's not like it's the only bedroom in the house. However, Subaru..." he added, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss on the top of his head before continuing. "If you don't mind I would prefer if we were to continue sharing it as before. The bed is spacious enough for two, you know..." he reminded him, trailing off allusively.

"What?" Subaru asked, raising his head to look at him as his eyes widened and he looked like he wasn't sure if he had understood him correctly. He replayed Seishiro-san's words in his mind but they still didn't make sense. Seishiro-san couldn't mean... Okay, so they were living together but surely... Surely... Surely... He lowered his head and blushed deeply for the first time since... since... well, he would be tempted to say since Hokuto-chan's death, but Seishiro-san said she hadn't died so he had no idea when he had stopped blushing. He hugged himself tightly as he reproached himself for that reaction. Surely Seishiro-san was just making fun of him and Subaru was being an idiot in reacting like this. After all, why should Seishiro-san wish to sleep with Subaru? It just would never happen and...

"Subaru... Subaru, don't you remember we did it at all? For real?" Seishiro asked in disbelief, noticing Subaru's reaction. It made no sense. If Subaru remembered sleeping in his room then how could he not remember Seishiro being there as well? The situation didn't improve when Subaru shook his head, refusing to look up at him. He sighed and reminded himself **__again__** that it meant nothing, that it wasn't Subaru's fault if he didn't remember, that it was just that he'd been hurt and had been sick and his memory had somehow got messed up. It meant nothing else. Surely it didn't mean Subaru didn't want to sleep with him. It couldn't. It was an idiotic idea and he was being silly for even considering it. Subaru's memory was just messed up and he had to be patient and help Subaru to recover it slowly. Slow. He hated going slow. "Subaru... where do you remember I was sleeping while you were sleeping in my room?" he asked tentatively.

"Tokyo Bay," Subaru whimpered with the same voice he always used when he was going to say that Seishiro was dead, starting to rock himself slightly. Oh well, this explained things then. Evidently for some odd reason Subaru seemed to believe he'd moved into Seishiro's house after Seishiro's death... so, since in Subaru's memories he'd been dead when Subaru was sleeping here, they never had the chance to share a bed. He stroked Subaru's hair gently, as he'd done when Subaru had been a mere child.

"Tokyo Bay doesn't sound very comfortable, Subaru. Can't I stay with you tonight?" he asked in an almost childish voice, holding him close. "I won't bother you, I promise, the worst I'll do will be to hog the blankets or to snuggle close in my sleep," he assured him. Actually he'd like to do much more than that but maybe at the moment it was asking too much.

Subaru didn't reply at first then he simply clung to Seishiro, who decided to consider that as a _'yes'_ and kissed the top of his head again.

* * *

They changed into their nightclothes in two different rooms, with Subaru utterly embarrassed about the whole thing and Seishiro half amused at Subaru's rediscovered shyness, half annoyed at not being allowed to be with Subaru as he undressed. It took a while for Subaru to muster the courage to join him in the bedroom, then he finally entered and decided to slid under the covers, hesitantly, claiming for himself the right side and curling in a tight ball on the edge of the mattress, looking uneasily at Seishiro as if he expected a scolding or to be kicked away in a minute. Seishiro just smiled at him as he joined him in the bed, then told him it wouldn't hurt either of them if Subaru moved closer to the middle of the bed before falling out of it and, when Subaru obeyed reluctantly, he took Subaru's hand into his, holding it firmly. Subaru didn't try to pull it back, on the contrary he slowly wrapped his own fingers around Seishiro's hand. They stared at each other, both careful not to do anything that the other might judge wrong, just holding hands like two shy teenagers. It was a start, Seishiro decided, stroking the back of Subaru's hand with his thumb.

"I'm sorry, Seishiro-san, I just... I don't know... I..." Subaru trailed off, lowering his gaze. To explain he had no idea of what Seishiro might expect him to do was just too embarrassing.

"Well... you might start with calling me just _'Seishiro'_ again," Seishiro suggested, dragging Subaru's hand closer to himself, hoping Subaru would catch the hint.

"But it wouldn't be polite!" Subaru countered immediately, raising again his eyes. He didn't really know what to do. Seishiro-san was pulling his hand as if to inviting him to get closer and he desperately wanted to get closer but...

"Subaru... I know you don't remember it, but after ten years of living together I think you're allowed not to be so formal," Seishiro-san replied before kissing Subaru's fingers gently and thinking Subaru had always been slow about catching hints...

"I..." Subaru began hesitantly, utterly confused by what Seishiro-san was doing. It didn't seem like he was marking him so... what?

"Subaru, it's very cold tonight. You'd better stay close to me if you don't want to freeze," Seishiro stated, deciding it was completely pointless to try to hope Subaru would catch the hints he was giving him and going for a more direct approach.

Subaru stared at him for a moment, considering to inform Seishiro-san it wasn't _'that cold'_, then realized that Seishiro-san probably knew that already. Subaru wasn't sixteen anymore. He was still **__totally__** inexperienced in those matters and slow in catching hints, but not sixteen anymore and he knew what it could mean to get closer in a bed, he knew and... and it didn't help at all, it only made him more scared of failing expectations, of not knowing how to handle things, of... he froze completely as Seishiro-san moved closer to him, after evidently growing bored of waiting for Subaru to do something.

"It's very late, Subaru. You need rest. You should try to rest," the man told him gently as if guessing his fear. Maybe this was another cruel joke, Subaru thought. Maybe Seishiro-san would break his heart again but... but not right then. Right then he was being gentle and Subaru... Subaru liked it. He loved it. Slowly, so very, very slowly, Subaru slid a bit closer to Seishiro-san as well, and closed his other hand too around the man's hand.

"Promise you won't leave," he asked, knowing he was likely sounding like a five year old and hating himself for it.

"I won't leave you, no matter what," the man assured him, wrapping his free arm around Subaru. Subaru said nothing, he simply dragged Seishiro-san's hand closer so he could rest his cheek against it and closed his eyes. It didn't take long for him to be fast asleep.

* * *

Subaru awoke in the middle of the night with a weird sensation of oppression. There was only blackness around him and a large, unmoving body was on top of him, pressing him down. He felt hot and squished. In confusion he tried to free himself, his head still heavy with sleep. It was too dark, he couldn't understand where he was and he didn't really remember where he'd fallen asleep. The body over him... Seishiro-san's body... Seishiro-san's corpse... Seishiro-san... the man wasn't talking... he... he had killed him again... he had... he had... he had...

He wasn't exactly sure of when he started sobbing, panting for breath, he wasn't sure because all he could think was that he had... he had... again he had...

He was so lost in his desperation he didn't realize at first that the corpse had raised itself from him and was talking to him.

"Subaru... Subaru! Are you all right? Was it a nightmare? Was I squishing you? Subaru, talk to me..." the voice that Subaru loved the most asked him as gentle hands moved Subaru's hair away from his sweaty forehead.

"Seishiro-san?" the boy whimpered, staring at what looked like a living Seishiro-san, a living Seishiro-san next to him, over him, caring for him...

"I'm here, Subaru. I'm here," the man assured him and Subaru clung to him as tightly as he could, wrapping both his arms and legs around him as he proceeded to cry his heart out until he fell back into an exhausted and mercifully dreamless sleep. Seishiro held him tightly, rubbing his back soothingly through the whole night.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. It's a rather popular assumption in the net that when Subaru moved into the Sakurazukamori's home after Seishiro's death, he also moved into Seishiro's bedroom. No idea if it's true but that's what happened in this fic.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
No hints about Subaru & Seishiro's past together in this chapter just some more cuddling and domestic life as well as Seishiro's attempts to handle an amnesiac and half insane Subaru, who's trying his best not to be a burden. Of course things would be a lot simpler if they were to sit around a table and just talk but that wouldn't be like them even if, all in all, they are making progress.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **Everyone who reviewed**: Thank you! You're a great encouragement for me!

To **laustic**: (blushes) I'm happy you love my fics and I hope you will continue to like them!

To **kingleby**: Seishiro doesn't love much Subaru's grandmother... it will take lot of time for Subaru to get better...

To **Francesca Akira89**: All your questions will have an answer in future chapters but, as of now, please feel free to try to guess the truth behind those mysteries! And no, Fuma wasn't the Ten no Ryu's Kamui, don't worry.

To **Billy**: Sadly real life doesn't really let me much time to keep up with the updates. I apologize for the long wait. Poor Subaru wasn't really sane before and what will happen in the future will threaten his balance further... I wouldn't want to be him...

To **Zuzanny**: I'm happy to know you like this fic and here there's more!

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


	7. Chap 6: 6th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 6: 6th Level "**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

The day after Subaru and Seishiro slept in.

Well, actually, despite sleeping less than usual, Seishiro awoke with a start at an almost normal hour, smiling as he saw Subaru was still slumbering in his arms, all curled up against him like a kitten in search of affection, his hands still clinging to Seishiro's shirt. Cute.

Seishiro didn't attempt to get up, nor did he move more than he had to, careful not to wake the boy up, contenting himself with watching him as he slept next to him. He gently trailed his fingers through Subaru's hair or over his body, enjoying his presence next to him. It felt so good to have Subaru back, to have him sleeping quietly in their bed, right next to him, as if nothing wrong had ever happened, as if everything was as perfect as before. He felt almost disappointed when the boy awoke on his own not much later, making a weak whimpering sound, as if it pained him to leave the quiet of his sleep. Seishiro saw Subaru blinking sleepily as he looked around, his gaze settling on Seishiro as soon as he saw him. The boy absently rubbed his face, as if trying to wake up some more, looking very much like a lazy kitten as he resumed snuggling up against him, enjoying the warmth of Seishiro's embrace with a blissful sigh. Then, as he became a bit more awake, Subaru finally became aware of where he was and with whom, tensing and looking at Seishiro anxiously as if he feared the man would push him away. Seishiro noticed his frightened expression and just smiled at him, reassuringly.

"Good morning!" he announced happily, doing his best to transmit the idea everything was okay and perfectly normal, figuring that Subaru, in his likely still confused state, couldn't be sure about it. "Did you sleep well?" he then asked kindly. Subaru hesitated for a moment before answering with a weak _'Good morning'_ and making a tiny nod, keeping himself perfectly still apart from that, as if he were afraid that, if he moved, Seishiro would disappear.

"That's good," Seishiro replied, keeping the merry faade, although he couldn't help but moving his hand to caress Subaru's hair soothingly, like one would do with a scared child and pulling him closer. He really couldn't help it. Subaru just looked so young, cute and vulnerable like that... He had to cuddle and coddle him. His actions seemed to reassure Subaru a bit as the boy, hesitantly, took Seishiro's hand into his own, studying it carefully. By then Seishiro had learnt to recognize that gaze and what it meant.

"Just in case you're wondering I'm real, not an illusion, a ghost or anything else," he informed Subaru with a grin, forcing himself to sound joking and closing his hand around Subaru's. Subaru returned his eyes on him, stared at him for a moment in silence, then sighed in relief and made another tiny nod of acceptance. Good, Seishiro thought as he resumed petting Subaru and caressing his cheek gently. It seemed the boy was finally starting to accept that this was reality and everything else his memory told him was simply delusion. It was progress of sorts.

To be honest, though, Subaru wasn't that sure what he was experiencing was reality and not a dream but he was willing to give it a chance. However, when Seishiro-san pulled him even closer, moving from light caresses to a tight hug, Subaru tensed again, looking at him anxiously, although for a completely different reason. Hugging while standing up, both with their clothes on, was one thing, hugging in bed, wearing only pyjamas was something different altogether...

Seishiro-san didn't seem to notice as one of his hands moved to rub Subaru's back while the man gently kissed the boy's forehead. It felt odd to be treated like that, such a situation was completely foreign for Subaru, but it wasn't unpleasant and he was tense more in fear of messing up than anything else. Things changed though when Seishiro-san's caresses, that in the beginning were just soothing and helping him to relax in that new situation, started feeling like they were...

Subaru sat up quickly and would have fallen off the bed if Seishiro-san hadn't caught him.

Subaru nervously glanced at the man as he was pulled back onto _'safe ground'_ then, as Seishiro-san released him, he began to stare obstinately into his lap, feeling scared and tense. What was he supposed to do now? What was all that supposed to mean? Should he let Seishiro-san do as he pleases? Did he want him to? Did it matter?

He flinched and tensed further as he felt Seishiro-san resting his hand gently on his cheek then, when the man did nothing else but gently rest his hand on Subaru's cheek, Subaru ended up leaning into the contact hesitantly.

"It's all right," Seishiro-san whispered to him, his other hand holding Subaru's and stroking it reassuringly and Subaru looked at him, not knowing what to say or do. Seishiro-san was being so... so gentle with him, awaking memories he'd believed he had buried forever inside himself, memories of the happiest year of his life. It was beautiful and horribly painful at the same time and Subaru didn't have the slightest idea how to deal with it, too afraid that was just a dream from which he would eventually wake up even more desperate than he was before. Seishiro-san gave him time, looking at him gently, as if willing to wait for Subaru to be ready before doing something. Subaru swallowed and tried to say something but, as soon as he opened his mouth, he realized he had no idea what to say and closed it again, looking at Seishiro-san pleadingly.

"Subaru... is the problem that you don't remember or that you don't want to do this?" Seishiro-san asked him in the end, apparently understanding Subaru had no idea how to begin that conversation.

"Remember? Remember what?" he asked quietly, feeling slightly confused. He swallowed again. After all, what was there for him to remember? A fake kindness that had lasted for a year only and that to him had meant the world while for Seishiro it had been only the source of a fleeting amusement and that had **__never__** been that intimate? What? Or had things been different here? Or was he deluding himself again?

"This," Seishiro-san answered dragging him closer and kissing his neck in a definitely not so fleeting manner, although his hold around Subaru was... gentle somehow, as if he was holding something precious, not just a toy or a possession. Subaru froze, completely stunned, not knowing at all how he was supposed to react. Before, Seishiro-san had never showed interest in him in that way, except for a little teasing and he...

Seishiro raised his head to look at him.

"You don't remember. You don't remember at all," he stated. He saw Subaru shaking his head nervously, looking as if he felt guilty and embarrassed at the same time. This was going to be complicated, Seishiro thought. No wonder Subaru was that shy around him if he didn't even remember which kind of relationship they had. "Here. Come here, Subaru," he asked, dragging Subaru to sit on his lap, not caring that the boy was twenty-six. Subaru tensed for a moment, then, hesitantly, he just curled up against Seishiro like a scared child, causing the man to smile down at him fondly. No matter how old Subaru was he was still as cute as he had been when he was little. "Everything will go well, Subaru, I promise," Seishiro whispered before kissing him again on his forehead. It was a chaste enough kiss, one that, he knew, wouldn't confuse Subaru much. "Here. It's not a bad feeling, is it?" he asked. Subaru didn't dare to raise his eyes to look up at him but shook his head. Seishiro smiled. That was more or less the same reaction he got the first time he kissed Subaru, even if at that time it hadn't been such an innocent kiss. Considering their situation, however, he figured he would do better by starting small and taking slow steps. He changed his hold around the boy in order to make him more comfortable and, when Subaru seemed to appreciate the shift in his position, he slowly started trailing gentle kisses through the boy's hair and face, giving Subaru the time to get comfortable with it.

Luckily it didn't require as much time as he feared it would.

After all, even if Subaru didn't remember Seishiro knew what Subaru liked and what he did not and even though the boy wasn't exactly answering back, he was submitting quietly to those attentions, leaning into Seishiro's touch, even if a bit hesitantly, slowly getting used to the situation and beginning to relax. Kisses gradually moved from a mere gentle brushing to something deeper and more passionate and when Seishiro raised Subaru's head toward him and lowered himself to finally kiss Subaru's lips the doorbell, of course, had to ring, interrupting him and ruining the mood. Subaru clung to him instinctively as if afraid whoever was at the door could separate them. Seishiro sighed. He had a suspicion about who could be at the door. He could only hope he was wrong.

"Let's ignore the bell," he whispered into Subaru's ear, his breath tickling Subaru's skin, before he bent down to kiss the boy's exposed neck. Subaru made a tiny breathless sound and Seishiro... Seishiro cursed under his breath as Hokuto-chan's shrill voice was clearly heard inside his house. Why had he been so foolish to give to the girl his address and a pair of keys? Oh yes, because Subaru had asked him if they please could and he had never been able to say _'no'_ to him when Subaru adopted that adorably cute puppy dog expression.

"Sei-chan! What in the world are you doing with my brother?! Do you know your phone is disconnected? Do you have an idea how worried I've been?" Hokuto-chan yelled, her voice clearly audible through the entire house and, likely, the neighbouring ones as well.

"Hokuto-chan, you'd better wait where you are," Seishiro yelled back, not really enjoying the interruption. Did Hokuto-chan have to barge into his house just when he was making progress with Subaru? Said Subaru looked up at him, confused.

"Is she really Hokuto-chan?" he asked weakly as if he couldn't believe his own ears.

"I told you she was alive, didn't I?" Seishiro replied, considering that right then he wouldn't have minded much if she wasn't, but careful not to let Subaru know this. The concept of Hokuto-chan being still alive and in the house sunk slowly inside Subaru's brain and, when the boy finally grasped it, he looked scared rather than embarrassed.

"She hates me now, doesn't she?" he whimpered quietly. "She hates me because it's all my fault, it was all my fault, and I... I'm so glad she's alive again but I don't want her to die and I..." he started babbling, burying his face against Seishiro and making no sense at all since Seishiro was sure it was impossible for Hokuto-chan to hate her brother, no matter what he did or believed he had done.

"Subaru, everything is all right, calm down," Seishiro told him in his best reassuring tone, mentally cursing how Hokuto-chan not only had interrupted them but also had to come to his house to cause further problems... "Hokuto-chan didn't die in the first place and she's not going to do it anytime soon. And she definitely doesn't hate you," he assured Subaru.

"But it was my fault she died and..."

"That never happened. Remember what I told you? It never happened," Seishiro repeated slowly. "It never happened so don't worry about it." He saw Subaru staring at him as if trying to understand if he was lying or not.

"That never happened?" he echoed weakly.

"No, it didn't."

"That never happened," he repeated, more in order to persuade himself than because he believed it. There was a pause of silence then... "I'm going insane, aren't I?" he whimpered anxiously. Seishiro forced a smile.

"You're just confused. You'll need some time to readjust to everything but when you'll do everything will make sense again, so don't worry. However, we'd better get up now before she comes barging in to force us," Seishiro pointed out. Subaru blinked, then grew embarrassed as he realized the implication of it. "Or would you rather stay in bed while I handle her?" Seishiro asked him and this time his smile wasn't forced at all. Subaru shook his head.

"I want to be with you," he stated. Seishiro grinned.

"Then let's get dressed," he suggested.

* * *

Once he was dressed Subaru followed Seishiro out of the bedroom, childishly clinging to his sleeve. He saw Hokuto-chan, looking like he remembered she had looked in his hallucination at the hospital, the hallucination that Seishiro-san had said hadn't been a hallucination at all. She was waiting for them, hands on her hips and a man behind her whose features were familiar ... but he seemed too healthy to be the Kakyou he remembered. He looked gentle and patient while Hokuto-chan... she looked angry. He knew she had every reason to be angry with him and wished he could hide behind Seishiro-san.

"Sei-chan, you two should know better than to sleep in so late," Hokuto-chan said by way of greeting but, as soon as she caught sight of Subaru, she moved toward him. Subaru instinctively shrunk back as she came closer to him, clinging to Seishiro-san, irrationally fearing she could hurt the man or part them.

Hokuto froze and stared at her brother, clinging to Sei-chan like a scared child and yet, at the same time, there was something protective in his behaviour, as if he feared she would hurt Sei-chan.

"You'd better tell him you're not dead or angry at him," Seishiro suggested, wrapping his arm protectively around Subaru and rubbing his back soothingly.

"Of course I'm not dead, Subaru, how could you think something so silly?" she asked stunned. Sei-chan had mentioned something like that at the hospital but she had believed that, once Subaru knew the truth, he wouldn't worry about it anymore. Subaru, however, seemed only to grow more scared. He was a rather pitiful sight, one that made her heart ache. Her brother had never looked like that before. "Subaru, I'm fine, here, look at me," she told him softly, resting her hand on his cheek. "I'm not mad at you, I swear. It was an accident, you don't have to worry about it."

"I didn't mean to cause your death," her brother whimpered, looking pleadingly at her and she understood why Sei-chan had been so worried about him. Subaru had never, **__never__** looked so utterly lost, scared and miserable. "I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, Hokuto-chan..."

"Subaru, you did nothing wrong. I'm not dead," she repeated again but Subaru's eyes were clouded with too much pain and he stared at her as if he couldn't understand what she said. She hugged him then and he untangled himself from Sei-chan to hug her back tightly, bubbling apologies that made sense to him only. Hokuto didn't miss though, how Sei-chan kept his hands on her brother's shoulders as if he was reluctant to let Subaru go for even a second.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Hokuto-chan?" the man asked shortly, as if to invite her to break her embrace with Subaru and return her brother back to him and, in fact, as soon as she released Subaru, Sei-chan was fast in recapturing him in his arms. Not that Subaru seemed to mind.

"Since I know you're a horrible housewife and Subaru has only just been released from the hospital, I thought I'd drop by and make sure he'll eat something nutrient as any older sister would do!" she exclaimed brightly, taking care to sound as if nothing was wrong. Subaru, trapped in Seishiro-chan's hold, just stared at her without showing any enthusiasm. Sei-chan complained he knew perfectly well how to cook for his Subaru. Subaru pointed out weakly that he _'liked Seishiro-san's cooking'_. She stared at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"Seishiro-san?" she echoed. If Subaru had ever called the man that, it had been before she was introduced to him. She saw Subaru shrinking closer to Sei-chan, as if fearing she was going to take the man from him and she looked at him with concern, wanting to know immediately what exactly was wrong with him. Before she could ask any questions though, Kakyou rested his hand on her shoulder.

"Hokuto, maybe you should give your brother some time before starting to question him," he suggested gently, before turning to Subaru. "I'm glad to see you are better, Subaru-san. I'm Kuzuki Kakyou, your sister's husband, in case you don't remember." Subaru bowed in response to the greeting, not as deeply as the three of them were used to but more than Subaru remembered doing before awaking into the hospital.

"I'm glad to see you're fine as well, Kuzuki-san," he said hesitantly, not exactly sure if he should point out the last time he saw the man he had been in coma. Hokuto-chan looked at him with even more concern, then forced herself to smile cheerfully.

"Kakyou is your brother-in-law, Subaru. You can call him just Kakyou. We're a family, after all," she said in a forced light tone. Subaru looked at her numbly as if what she had said made no sense to him and, even if seeing him like that was better than when he had been unconscious at the hospital, it was still tremendously painful. Sei-chan nuzzled his head against Subaru's and her brother turned to look at the man as if he was the only thing that kept him from going insane. She forced herself to keep on smiling and to believe that, in given time and with proper care, her brother would get better.

"Well, I'd better start preparing lunch immediately!" she decided. "You're coming with me, Subaru. You'll feel better if you do something productive," she stated, grabbing Subaru's hand and then dragging her confused brother toward Sei-chan's kitchen.

Seishiro sighed as he watched her march into his kitchen as if it was her house, dragging his Subaru away from him.

"Kakyou, couldn't you have kept her away a bit longer?" he complained to the man.

"This is Hokuto you're talking about, Seishiro. Consider it a miracle she wasn't here yesterday," Kakyou replied tonelessly. He and Seishiro had never been too fond of each other and they called each other just _'Kakyou'_ and _'Seishiro'_ more due to lack of respect than due to any closeness.(1)

They stared straight at each other. Kakyou was the first to turn away his gaze.

"I know what you did," the man said softly to Seishiro. "You'd better never let either of them learn," he added, referring to the Sumeragi twins. Seishiro smirked humourlessly.

"Well? No reproaches? No _'you had no right to do it'_?" he asked in a challenging tone.

"Had I been in your place I would have done the same," Kakyou admitted. "But he won't be the same. Ever."

"But he will get better," Seishiro stated, even if he didn't sound as sure as he wanted.

"I don't know, you messed up his destiny way too much with what you did and my gift has faded significantly of late," Kakyou replied without adding deep down he truly hoped he would completely get rid of it one day.

"I didn't start this," Seishiro muttered grumpily.

"You have never been good at taking responsibilities," Kakyou countered in a disapproving tone.

"If I were to have the impression that you knew what was going to happen that day and did nothing to stop it, you would be a very dead man," Seishiro assured him, eyes narrowing.

"If I had known I would have done something. Hokuto can be scarier than you when her brother's well-being is involved," Kakyou stated, smiling fondly toward the direction his wife had taken.

"**SEI-CHAN!**" Hokuto's angry voice called from the kitchen.

"Now you're in trouble," Kakyou observed, still smiling softly in his wife's direction. Seishiro sighed as he walked toward the kitchen. The things he had to suffer for Subaru...

As soon as he was in the kitchen Subaru threw him a half guilty, half scared look and said nothing.

"Why didn't you tell Subaru how he got hurt?" she asked immediately and glared at him.

"I didn't have the chance?" Seishiro offered. Why did Hokuto-chan always have to tell him how to deal with Subaru? He was sure he was much better than her at taking care of him, after all and didn't need her advice at all. Hokuto-chan complained at his reply, Seishiro defended his reasons.

Subaru stared at them, his gaze moving from one to the other in confusion. He hadn't meant to make them argue... he hadn't meant... he hadn't meant...

The air filled with the scent of Sakura... Hokuto-chan's Shikifuku fluttering in the wind... Seishiro-san moving toward her... the words of a spell he couldn't recognize... blood... blood everywhere... blood... his sister falling... Seishiro-san falling... the world shattering...

"Subaru-san!" someone called as darkness started to swallow everything. He had the impression he could hear Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan's voices calling him as well, then nothing else.

* * *

Seishiro had moved to catch Subaru as soon as he began falling. Subaru sagged against him limply and he was fast to cradle him in his arms, checking his condition. Subaru murmured something in a pained tone but didn't awake. Hokuto-chan panicked as she called her brother's name hysterically. Seishiro ignored her and carried the boy to the couch where he laid him down carefully. He seemed physically fine, though Seishiro, for the life of him, couldn't figure why he had fainted all of sudden. Maybe too much sudden stress? Kakyou handed him a glass of water for Subaru and he managed to have Subaru swallow some before his green eyes fluttered open again.

"Seishiro-san?" Subaru called weakly.

"I'm here," he replied immediately. "It's all right, I'm here."

"Hokuto-chan?" he asked then.

"She's fine too," Seishiro assured him, moving Subaru's hair away from his forehead. Hokuto-chan grasped Subaru's hand and put it against her cheek.

"Subaru..." she cried anxiously, for once unable to say anything more. Subaru gazed at her for a moment, as if to make sure she was real, then returned to look at Seishiro.

"There was... I saw... I didn't mean to, I swear, I..." he babbled, looking at Seishiro pleadingly.

Seishiro pulled him into his arms and held him close, cradling him slightly and repeating to him everything was all right. Subaru curled against him, continuing to babble apologies, burying his head against Seishiro's chest as he clung to the man's shirt. Hokuto-chan kept looking at him with concern.

"Maybe you should take him to a hospital to have him checked up," she suggested.

"Subaru is going to stay with me. I'll take care of him," Seishiro stated, glaring at her threateningly, while his hold around Subaru tightened.

"Sei-chan..." she protested.

"No," he insisted stubbornly and she knew she had no way to oppose to him right then. Not that she liked it.

"If something happens to Subaru I'll consider you responsible," she threatened back, causing Subaru to whimper and cling to Sei-chan even more tightly. "You shouldn't have let him go alone to do that exorcism, tired as he was, especially on his birthday!"

"It was your grandmother's idea, not mine!" Seishiro countered, sounding rather irritated. He ended up making Subaru more anxious at having the two of them argue over him.

"But you shouldn't have..." she began to protest anyway.

"Hokuto," Kakyou interrupted her. "You two will end up making Subaru-san even more agitated than he is. Why don't we go back into the kitchen and I'll help you prepare lunch while Seishiro calms him?" he asked her. She hesitated as she looked at her husband, then glanced again at Subaru who was still clinging to Sei-chan.

"Take good care of him and don't leave him alone," she warned before doing what her husband suggested and retreating into the kitchen again.

Seishiro watched her leave then, once alone with Subaru, he began caressing the boy's back to soothe him.

"Everything is okay, Subaru. I'm here now and I'll never leave you," he assured him. Subaru kept babbling something Seishiro couldn't understand but he seemed to slowly grow calmer. In the end his babbling died down and he simply clung to Seishiro until he fell asleep again, emotionally worn out. Seishiro looked at him worriedly. Whatever those panic attacks were, they always completely exhausted Subaru but that wasn't the main problem. The real problem was that he had no idea how to stop them and he feared the effect they could have on Subaru's psyche in the long run.

He held Subaru tighter. No matter what, this time he wouldn't allow anyone to part them again.

Subaru was his and he would be forever.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. In Japanese lack of honorific can mean familiarity but also disrespect.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
Yes, Subaru isn't doing well. At all. It'll take quite a bit of time before he'll recover, though he's also making some tiny progress. As for Seishiro, he's trying to be patient and helpful. He's just not very good at it.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **laustic**: Subaru is in a rather pitiful state, truly, but, as you said, having Seishiro around help. He wouldn't manage without him. And I'm glad you love the cuddling!

To **Zuzanny**: Subaru too would like for this to be real but, so far, I can't tell if it is! Yes, Subaru's totally confused by this new reality, he needs time to learn to love it or better, to learn to believe it to be real. He would love this reality if he only could believe it not to be some sort of dream... As for what you wondered... LOL well, in a fashion Subaru will meet Subaru... sort of. I can't tell you more!

To **Francesca Akira89**: Sadly Subaru's condition isn't good and for even more deeper reasons than the ones you can guess. (blushes) I'm glad I managed to transmit his feelings. For the poor boy it was a rather traumatic moment and I was afraid I hadn't pulled it out right... yes, you'll see Kamui, he'll show up soon (chap 8 actually) and you'll get a glimpse of their relation!

To **kingleby**: (blushes) I'm happy to know I managed to keep the emotions/situations realistic. Subaru's condition can't be fixed easily he really has lot that's burdening him but I was afraid people would have preferred for him to heal at a faster pace...

To **DeepWaterBlack**: I'll try to be gentle with Subaru as much as I could but Seishiro insist as long as I give him chances to hug and cuddle Subaru everything is fine. Well, if you want a little spoiler I'll let you know Subaru will end up answering to the phone in the next chapter... there you'll see his reaction!

To **Anonymous**: I'll try to keep on writing and I'm gla dyou love this story!

To **Shinken16**: I love your theory A LOT but I can't tell you if that's what had happened... (I'm evil, I know...) I took advantage of the fact this is an AU to have a Seishiro who's even more prone to cuddle than in TB (funny enough in TB Seishiro liked to hug Subaru... his own way...). I'm glad you understand why Subaru is the way he is (also there's an extra reason for Subaru to be that way but you'll find out much later...). LOL Seishiro really has no idea what the eye was about... but when he'll find out he'll have bigger troubles to deal with... I kind of pity him...

To **Behan**: WOW! Long review! i love long reviews! I'm happy to know you like how the boys are in this fic! Poor Subaru needs Seishiro more than the air he breathes as of now... it'll took him a while to manage to get back to a 'normal level'. Well, things aren't easy for Seishiro's either. He's not a very symphatetic person and he's already being way more patient than normal only because there's Subaru involved in this but it's hard for him to accept all this (and, on top of this, there are some previous issues than, while on a side make him more prone to be kind with Subaru, on the other are making the situation even more comfortable for him...). I assume after Seishiro's death for Subaru the most important thing was Seishiro's eye, the only thing that pushed him to go on and do what he did (becoming Chi no Ryu and Sakurazukamori). So, when he found out he lost it... well, as you saw he didn't take it well. As for what had happened... well, as you can guess Seishiro knows more than he's telling Subaru... and your senses are right about some things... not telling which ones though... (I'm evil, I know). As usual wishes are involved but I won't/can't tell you anything else... (blushes very red) Well, I can only hope you will keep on loving this story as it goes on! Thank you a lot for your support and your wonderful review!

To **rainbowbunniie**: I'm flattered you signed up just to leave me a review! Apart from the most obvious one there's an extra reason for Subaru's insanity that turned him way different from the X Subaru we all know and love. LOL I would like to see the boys kissing soon as well but Seishiro is taking things slowly since Subaru's definitely not well... (actually Seishiro's the one who's the most anxious to resume kissing Subaru and not only... this situation is rather frustrating for him...). The fic will be finished, I promise!

To **Cere-Sempai**: (blush) I'm happy you love this story! Don't worry about your comment, I'm glad you found the time to let me know you like this story. It's rather sad when I've left to wonder if people who read it enjoyed it. And I would love if you were to draw some scenes from this fic! If you were to post them in the net, please, let me know where!

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


	8. Chap 7: 7th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 7: 7th Level"** **Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

Seishiro awoke Subaru when lunch was ready. By then he was used to Subaru automatically checking if he was really alive before he was ready to do something else. In fact, only after being reassured that Seishiro wasn't a fragment of his imagination Subaru rose groggily, still looking quite sleepy, one of his hands unconsciously clinging Seishiro's sleeve. Seishiro smiled at him fondly as he led him toward the kitchen and helped him to his chair before sitting down as well. As lunch was served Seishiro caught Subaru glancing at the food Hokuto-chan piled on his plate with distaste, even though the boy didn't complain. Probably he knew his sister just wouldn't listen.

As soon as everything was set Hokuto-chan began chatting happily. Seishiro and Kakyou participated in the discussion. Subaru just raised his eyes from his plate once in a while and lowered them as soon as he noticed someone was looking at him. He didn't really talk, merely replied with nods or shakes if someone were to ask him something as he busied himself trying to rearrange his food on his plate as he had done the day before without really touching it. However, each time Hokuto-chan would notice him doing that, she would reproach him and he would force himself to swallow a bite, just swallow it without savouring or chewing it much. Hokuto-chan started looking at him with concern, her cheerfulness slowly dying away but she was still determined to make him eat and pretend everything was all right. When it became painfully obvious Subaru didn't want to eat anymore Seishiro ordered her to leave him alone.

Even though Hokuto had realized that Subaru really didn't feel like eating any more, her stubborn nature prevented her fromt accepting Sei-chan's words graciously. Subaru needed to eat if he wanted to get better. Not eating was unhealthy and thus, as his big sister, it was her duty to make him eat, and she pointed this to Seishiro-chan out very clearly.

The two began arguing over the topic while Subaru's gaze moved from one to the other as he gave up any pretense of eating at all. He had no idea what to say or do to stop the argument and he felt guilty for causing it in the first place. Then Kakyou too entered the discussion, trying to calm his wife. In his opinion if Subaru-san didn't feel like eating more maybe it wasn't right to force him. He loved Hokuto-chan dearly and owed her more than a man could imagine but she had an overzealous streak and didn't always know what was best for others.

In the middle of the argument Subaru suddenly stood up, excused himself and hurried out of the room. Seishiro sighed, rose as well, told Hokuto-chan to prepare some hot tea and followed Subaru. He found him in the bathroom, curled on the floor. He had probably thrown up and Seishiro mentally cursed himself for not stopping Hokuto-chan sooner. The problem was that he didn't understand Subaru's lack of appetite either and had hoped Hokuto-chan could help and that, if she couldn't, she would at least be the one taking the blame for failing.

"Better now?" he asked, kneeling down next to him. Subaru gave him a quick glance then lowered his eyes again. Seishiro noticed the boy was trembling slightly. Calmly he removed his suit jacket and placed it on Subaru's shoulders then, gently, he began rubbing the boy's back. Subaru sighed and didn't resist when Seishiro drew him closer.

"I'm sorry," Subaru said weakly, resting against Seishiro's chest.

"What for?" Seishiro asked, running his hand through Subaru's hair.

"For being a nuisance. Not remembering. Everything," Subaru summarized burying his face against Seishiro's chest and inhaling the man's scent, trying to keep the memory of it forever in himself. Not that he didn't already have it buried in his memory he just wanted... to make it more precise. He would never grow tired of trying to memorize everything about Seishiro-san. His memory always seemed to be a pale shadow compared to the reality.

"I'm really glad you're back home, Subaru. The rest doesn't matter, you've no reason to feel guilty for not having fully recovered yet," Seishiro-san replied in a quiet whisper right next Subaru's ear as he had done with those words Subaru hadn't understood on Rainbow Bridge and Subaru squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the pain from bubbling out of him. Seishiro-san stared at him in silence then passed one of his arms under his leg and another around Subaru's back and picked him up as if he were still a slight teenager. Subaru gasped as he was raised and immediately clung to the man, as if afraid he would be dropped.

"Here, let me take you someplace more comfortable," Seishiro-san said then smiled down at him as he stood up and secured his hold around him. "I'm sure by now your tea should be ready."

Subaru just buried his head against Seishiro-san's shoulder. While being babied by the man he loved and his sister was a wonderful change after the wrecked life he had in the past years it was also a sign of weakness and Subaru had learned by bitter experience that one had to pay for each weakness one showed. Plus, he really didn't want to bother anyone. He only wished to be as inconspicuous as he could and bathe in the warm presence of Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan, just watching them without having to touch them because he had seen his touch had brought death to them both. He would be happy to just watch them live and be left alone in a corner. Instead the two of them seemed insistent on involving him back in their lives, uncaring of how scared he was of causing them harm, of how he was unable to understand most of what they were expecting from him, of how he was utterly and totally lost, of how there were things he didn't want to do and he didn't care if they thought he had done them before.

It wasn't so unexpected, really.

During The Year, Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san had done nothing but drag him into one direction or in another, making fun of him and ordering him around. Back then he had been too shy and too polite to simply say _'no'_. Years of living alone, trusting and listening to no one had made him less... pliant, less prone to obey.

To be honest Seishiro-san wasn't trying to force him much, but Seishiro-san had always known how to work around him, when to pull and when to let go. Hokuto-chan... in the seventeen years they had been together he had always let her order him around unless it was a work related matter. As she had said to him many times she was the older twin and she knew better. After her last stunt though, the one that had caused her death, Subaru wasn't inclined to agree anymore.

Not only had she forced him to live when all he had wanted after Seishiro-san's betrayal was to curl up and die, but she had forced him to do it alone and with the responsibility of her death resting on his shoulders and, as a last straw, she had given to Seishiro-san the means to use him as suicide weapon.

No, he couldn't trust Hokuto-chan to know better.

He was starting to think that, in truth, she knew nothing about him.

Yet he still wasn't capable to say _'no'_ to her so he remained silent as he drank the tea she had brought him, listening to her obediently as she gently scolded him for not telling her sooner that he wasn't feeling well, for not taking proper care of his health and things like that, merely wishing he could hide in Seishiro-san's embrace, fall asleep there and stay like that forever.

Between one admonishment and another she decided to inform him of what had caused him to end up in the hospital since Sei-chan, and here she glared at Seishiro-san, hadn't done it.

According to her he had had a stressful week in which, as usual, he had worked too much against her opinion - which made sense to Subaru because that was all he had done for all his life - and, on top of this, he had accepted to do a complex exorcism the day of his birthday, and here Hokuto-chan explained in detail what she thought about him going to work on their birthday and about Seishiro-san letting him do it. Apparently she had planned a small celebration that day, just between the four of them only since no one else was allowed to know Subaru's birthday, but he never showed up at it.

When Hokuto was about to call his pocket bell to have him call her back and give her an explanation about his lateness Sei-chan, who was supposed to come with him, phoned her to inform her that Subaru had managed to exorcise the ghost but he had gotten injured while doing it and so he had taken him to the hospital. Sei-chan could offer her no information about how he had gotten injured since he had joined Subaru only after it had happened and had only found the boy lying unconscious in a pool of blood.

When Hokuto had reached the hospital she had been informed that her brother's heart had stopped for about a minute but after that had started to beat again but Subaru just... hadn't wanted to wake up. He'd been in coma for a week, worrying everyone to no end and now he he'd better take good care of himself because if not...

Subaru stared at her numbly as she told her tale. It made sense and, even if there was something wrong about it, he couldn't exactly grasp what it was. However the point was that it awoke no recollections in him. In his mind he had never done the things she said, all this had never happened, it didn't matter that he had a gash on his right wrist to prove the veracity of her story.

He guessed that the worst part was that, to him, it didn't matter he had been hurt and had ended in coma. As long as he was the one getting hurt and not Seishiro-san or Hokuto-chan everything was fine. He saw Hokuto-chan looking at him with concern, as if she could read his mind and didn't agree with his reasoning at all. He thought he would like to ask her how much she would like to live alone after having caused the death of her sibling and her loved one, then realized he was being unfairly bitter and wished he could curl up and cry. He didn't like what he had become.

Kuzuki-san, Subaru would be forever grateful to the man for his sensitivity, suggested to his wife that maybe it would be better if they were to leave so Subaru could get more rest and quiet.

Hokuto-chan agreed reluctantly. Subaru watched her go fighting mixed emotions. A side of him wanted to cling to her and never again let her out of his sight. Another was horrified at the idea of having Hokuto-chan around, as if he expected to see her drop dead any second. Another... another wanted to be left alone because the normality that having Hokuto-chan around evoked wasn't normal for him anymore, and to see her moving around him was more like having a ghost taunting him than having his sister back. He had wanted to have her back for so long he'd lost count of the time and now that she was back... his mind refused to believe it. His mind refused to believe the whole situation he was in.

It was understandable, in a fashion. Hokuto-chan's image had always lurked in the back of his mind. He had always seen her everywhere, heard her continuously and always had to force himself to remember she wasn't real. He'd done it for so long that now he simply... couldn't believe she was alive, even if he desperately wanted to. He hugged himself and lowered his head, feeling so enormously alone he thought he would drown in his loneliness. He was startled when Seishiro-san hugged him from behind and rested his head on his shoulder affectionately.

"Are you all right?" the man asked, again whispering in his ear. Subaru wished he would stop doing so. Every time Seishiro-san did it he remembered... No, in truth he didn't wish Seishiro-san to stop he just wished he wouldn't remember. If he had to forget his past, why did he have to forget the good things?

"I'm fine," he answered meekly.

"You were always a horrible liar, Subaru," Seishiro-san countered and Subaru felt shame growing inside him. Seishiro-san, however, didn't give him time to sulk for long, startling him out of his self-loathing with a kiss on his cheek. Subaru immediately turned to look at him. Seishiro-san grinned mischievously and Subaru yelped as the man picked him up again, with such ease it implied he was used to carrying Subaru around bridal style.

"Seishiro-san..." Subaru stammered uneasily, not sure of what the man was planning, clinging to Seishiro-san's neck nervously. It didn't matter that Seishiro-san had told him that it was normal for him to kiss Subaru, Subaru couldn't still get used to the feeling no matter how badly he adored it. His mind supplied the not exactly reassuring suggestion that, if they were living together and sleeping together and kissing they might also have been doing _'something else'_ together... and Subaru felt himself panicking at the thought. It wasn't like he didn't want to do anything more, it was just he had no idea how to handle that _'something more'_. Being twenty-five, or twenty-six as Seishiro-san had said, didn't really make him more experienced in the matter than he had been at sixteen.

"Calm down," Seishiro-san told him as he placed him back on the bed while Subaru felt like an idiot for being so embarrassed by the whole situation. "I'm only going to give you a backrub. You look like you could use it," he explained in a reassuring tone. Subaru agreed, nodding slowly yet warily. Somehow Seishiro-san's grin didn't reassure him in the slightest regarding the man's intentions.

* * *

That, Subaru decided, had been the most embarrassing backrub in the history of the world. However, it had also felt tremendously good and pleasurable. And it had done wonders to Subaru's mood. Seishiro-san had joked and teased him almost the whole time and yet... it hadn't been like when he was sixteen, light teasing that Subaru mostly failed to understand and a quick retreat on Seishiro-san's part when Subaru finally grasped it, leaving Subaru always unsure if Seishiro-san had meant a word of what he had said. The teasing was still light but more obvious, easier to understand. Subaru had no idea if it was because he was older or because Seishiro-san was more direct, and the man would withdraw only if Subaru was really uncomfortable with it, as if Seishiro-san was testing the ground to see what he was allowed to do and what he wasn't. Subaru had no clear idea how he ended up in the man's arms after the backrub, both of them lying on the bed, and he was enjoying how Seishiro-san was tracing lazy circles on his back or how he was smoothing his short hair gently, rearranging it first in one direction and then in another. It was soothing and it made Subaru drowsy but the thing that confused Subaru the most was how he had worked up the courage to trail his fingers over Seishiro-san's body. Nothing fancy really, just a mere brushing of the tip of his fingers on the man's arm, enjoying the... consistency of it. It felt so real that it might have been real and Subaru, against every rule his good sense dictated, wanted so badly to believe it was real...

He had no idea how long they'd remained there, only that, at a certain point Seishiro-san informed him that it was dinner time. Subaru grimaced.

Before, eating hadn't been a matter over which he had to worry. He did it only when he was about to drop to the ground or when forced by circumstances.

He had never been much of an eater but, after Hokuto-chan's death, things had gone downhill. She had been the one who had always cooked for him and now that she couldn't do it again... he just couldn't bring himself to taste something that hadn't been prepared by her. He knew he couldn't avoid eating forever and so he had searched other ways to eat food, ways that wouldn't remind him of her, like take out or instant food. He had eaten it before, when she was alive, and he could eat it without too many problems afterwards, to keep himself from starving. When he had realized he was eating to keep himself alive he had been disgusted by himself. He was fighting for his self-preservation when Hokuto-chan was dead because of him. Food started to make him nauseous as it always reminded him he was responsible of his sister's death.

Seishiro-san's death had been the last straw.

He started associating it with the man's death too. Everything red reminded him of the man's blood, everything warm reminded him of the man's warmth, everything solid reminded him of his hand going through Seishiro-san and all made him feel like he was eating a person and not food. Destroying something so he would live.

In the month after Seishiro-san's death, a month that was mercifully blurry in his mind, he ate as little as possible and threw up most of it.

Now... now Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan were alive, which made things marginally better but... but food still tasted and looked the same, like a rotting corpse he had killed with his bare hands.

"Just a small portion, Subaru," Seishiro-san told him as if reading his thoughts. "I won't get you to be sick again," he assured.

"I don't like to eat," Subaru whimpered childishly, hating himself for it. He felt Seishiro-san's lips brushing his forehead.

"Just a tiny bit, Subaru. Do it just for me, okay?" the man asked and Subaru wondered if Seishiro-san knew that he wasn't able to deny him anything. Probably he did. He shrugged and turned his gaze away, not pleased with himself. He didn't want to be so weak in front of Seishiro-san.

"Thank you," the man replied softly. "Now... what do you prefer? There's what your sister left..." he said unenthusiastically. "Or I could make you something..." he suggested in an almost inviting manner. Subaru turned to look at him. Somehow it seemed like Seishiro-san didn't want him to choose his sister's food. Actually Subaru didn't want to choose it either. Hokuto-chan's cooking was ten times better than Seishiro-san's but to have Seishiro-san cooking for him was priceless to Subaru. However...

"I don't want to trouble you..." he said quietly.

"Subaru... you don't trouble me at all," the man assured. "Never doubt that. I'll be happy to cook for you. I'd be happy to be the only one who can cook for you," he added and somehow in the way he said it, he seemed to imply he wanted to be the only one who could do things for Subaru, on which Subaru could depend and the idea caused Subaru to flush in embarrassment and feel strangely warm inside. It was nice somehow.

"Can we... can we eat Hokuto-chan's food another day?" he asked hesitantly. Seishiro grinned and hugged him enthusiastically like a child and that felt good too.

"Sure! I'll prepare you your favourite dish, don't worry! You'll love it!" the man replied sounding... well, happy, Subaru thought. Subaru chose not to mention that what Hokuto-chan had cooked was his favourite dish and that Seishiro-san had also prepared it the day before, so basically he'd always been eating the same thing since he'd left the hospital. He didn't mind, really. If he could do something that would please Seishiro-san he would do it without a second thought. If cooking for him made Seishiro-san happy... Subaru would never again eat food cooked by anyone else.

* * *

Dinner was uneventful but... went smoother. Seishiro-san did his best to cheer him up with stories and jokes and somehow that evening the food tasted less like corpses and more like food. The portion Subaru ate was still tremendously small but he wasted a lot less time just staring at it or rearranging it even if Subaru hadn't realized it. He tried to help Seishiro-san to clean up after they had finished eating but was told it was unnecessary and to go rest in the living room since he was still reconvalescent and Subaru, although not happy to be sent in a room other than the one Seishiro-san was in, obeyed without question.

It was as soon as he reached the living room that it happened.

The phone rang, its sound cutting the air clearly, like a gunshot, or at least it felt that way to Subaru. Before leaving Hokuto-chan had connected it again and now the phone was ringing. Subaru stared at it as it made its first ring as if it were a time bomb. Then, wishing only to stop it because it made him inexplicably anxious and generally ruined Seishiro-san's mood, he picked it up, uncaring of the fact it wasn't a very polite thing to do since, in his mind, that was Seishiro-san's phone only and not his.

"Hello?" he said hesitantly.

"Who are you?" a voice asked him suspiciously from the other side of the phone, as if to remind him he wasn't supposed to answer it, that nobody would call that number to talk with him. The voice sounded familiar and yet... it was not.

"Subaru," he answered weakly, sounding like a scolded child.

"You're not him," the voice stated firmly. Angrily. "Don't even try to lie on this."

"I'm Subaru, Sumeragi Subaru," he repeated, confused. His name was one of the few things he was sure about so why was the voice telling him he was lying?

"Sumeragi Subaru's dead," the voice spat coldly. "Who are you? Impostor!" it screamed. "Liar! Who are you? Who the hell are you?"

"I'm not a liar!" he protested helplessly but the voice didn't seem to plan to stop yelling at him and he didn't really know what to do when Seishiro-san came and ripped the receiver away from him, leaving Subaru to stare at him in confusion.

"Who the hell are you?" the man questioned angrily speaking through the receiver but it looked like, as soon as he had spoken, the communication had been cut. Subaru saw Seishiro-san placing the receiver back on its cradle and disconnecting the phone again, muttering _'cursed thing'_ under his breath before turning toward Subaru. Subaru shrunk back as he saw his angry stare, hugging himself and feeling guilty and confused.

"Am I dead?" he asked anyway. He needed to know. "Am I a wandering ghost?" Seishiro-san's expression softened and the man drew him closer, trapping him in a tight embrace.

"No, you're not. You're not dead. You're alive, I'm alive and that guy was just some maniac with a twisted sense of humour," the man assured him. Subaru couldn't find reassurance in his words. Maybe that world he was in wasn't real, maybe it was all an elaborate dream, but he didn't want to be exiled from it just because he was dead. He wanted to stay with Seishiro-san. It was all he wanted. He needed to stay with Seishiro-san or he would grow mad if he wasn't already, he was sure of that.

He didn't remember well what had happened afterwards, except that he had kept clinging to Seishiro-san, asking him continuously not to be sent away and not finding any reassurance in the man's promises they would stay together and that no, Subaru wasn't a wandering ghost in need of being exorcised. After all Seishiro-san had lied to him many times, why should this be different?

When Seishiro-san dragged him back to bed, Subaru still clinging to him and still repeating his litany, and made him lie down Subaru realized he was exhausted, more in his mind and soul than in his body and was very grateful when Seishiro-san drew him into his arms and kept him there. Under the covers, in Seishiro-san's embrace, the man's arms wrapped around his shoulders, Seishiro-san's cheek resting on top of Subaru's head as Subaru buried his face against Seishiro-san's chest, clinging to him with all his might while their legs intertwined so that they couldn't be parted, he felt safe, sheltered, owned. Like this he felt like he was Seishiro-san's and the man wouldn't let go of him. Like this he could hope they would stay together.

Forever.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
Yes, Subaru is a mess. No discussions about this. You'll see in future chapters if he manages to recover or if he will get even worse.  
Astute readers might have noticed that this chapter gives you some hints about past happenings while Subaru gets to know the one playing prank calls. Sort of. It didn't really make things better for him. As usual, feel free to try to guess what has caused the situation Subaru is in and please, let me know your ideas!

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."

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**Replies to reviews:**

To **laustic**: Seishiro and Kakyou can't really stand to each other that much. Kakyou considers Seishiro the most selfish brat ever and a treath to the one he held dear (Hokuto). Seishiro merely considers Kakyou a nuisance he could do without and therefore wouldn't really mind killing him. Poor Subaru isn't doing very well, though Seishiro's trying to help... his own way, of course...

To **Princess Sin**: Seishiro and Kakyou have some knowledge readers (and Subaru) don't have yet, though they don't know it all. Well, the story wouldn't be a mystery if it didn't have many twists and turns. So far the only thing I can tell you is that if this is a dream, Subaru had dreamed up his whole life starting from age 9... Sorry, I know that's not much as hint...

To **Zuzanny**: Seishiro would have liked to progress much faster but he'd realized if he were to jump on Subaru he would probably do more harm than good... after all, that's the second time he's doing the courting and know with Subaru he needs to go slow... Subaru will need some time to accept this new reality. It plainly didn't make sense to him and he knows very little of it so he doesn't feel like he fits in it.

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: He wouldn't be Seishiro if he weren't guilty of something now, would he? I'm glad you liked the previous chapter... BTW is there a chance we'll see a new chap of 'Predator, Prey, Possession'? It was such a good fic and it had me so intrigued and it's really a lot of time from the last update...

To **Anon**: I'm happy you enjoy my stories! I'll try to stick with this fandom as long as I can, though real life is slowing me down a lot...

To **kingleby**: Well, Seishiro is a troublemaker... ;)

To **Satoshistar7**: Thank you! Here there's the update!

To **Billy**: No, I haven't abandoned this fic, though I'm being slow in updating it... I'm glad you like it!

To **Behan**: WOW, I so love your reviews! Subaru won't stay dependant from Seishiro forever but he still has a long way coming before he'll manage to stand on his own. At the moment he's not coping well with the situation that's worning him out. As soon as he'll manage to get some confidence with it he'll start making his own decisions (Seishiro's not really looking forward to this... he likes more to have Subaru depending on him...). Seishiro's lips are sealed on what he did and he has a good reason for this. To cheer you up I'll say Kakyou doesn't fully know what had happened, just tiny bits. Well, Hokuto is trying to do what she thinks is best for Subaru... She's not really that good at it though... She didn't know Seishiro and Subaru were having a romantic moment or she would have waited a little before entering... (She's not THAT evil... though maybe she would have had fun interrupting Seishiro had she know what was going on... the two of them have their own little way to tease each other...) what's for sure is she's not fully trusting Subaru's well being in Seishiro's hands. More hints to guess what Seishiro meant will be given in the future... and in the future chapters you'll get a retelling of how their life went according to Seishiro so this should clear up some things!

To **Hellcat81**: Well, things will be slowly explained since this fic has a slow pace. Subaru fought in the battle in 1999 but things went differently. It'll take a while before you'll find out who was on the phone. There's no sakura tree in this fic. I know its existence is a popular fancanon (so popula some consider it canon) but, being a fancanon I'm not particularly fond of, I didn't include any sentient sakura fic in this story so Subaru can't really go to him to ask explanation.

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


	9. Chap 8: 8th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 8: 8th Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

Seishiro was staring at the sleeping features of the only one who meant something to him. Subaru wasn't doing well.

Each night when they went to bed Subaru would always try to sleep on the edge of the bed. Coaxing him to move more to the centre was often complicated or met with reluctance and nervousness so, more often than not, Seishiro would simply wait for Subaru to be asleep before pulling the boy against himself and into his embrace.

Subaru's sleep was uneasy and he kept waking up at night several times, mostly due to nightmares, often waking up Seishiro as well.

It was however almost impossible to get Subaru to talk about his nightmares. In the good nights he would just jump up, sit, panting hard and generally cause Seishiro to wake up as well. Then he'd stare at his lap waiting for his breath to return normal, his eyes open wide and his fists clenched, apparently oblivious of everything else around him. He wouldn't cry but sometimes he would shudder violently. In the bad nights Subaru would dig his nails into his skin and try to rip it away or would slam his fists on his legs as if trying to beat the pain out of himself. Seishiro would take him into his arms then, speaking to him softly in attempt to reassure him and stroking his back soothingly until Subaru would calm down and snuggle against him. He'd murmur nonsense until Subaru would fall back to sleep. He usually woke up again not much later and everything would repeat like a never ending circle.

However, in Seishiro's opinion, the worst was when he would wake up and find that Subaru wasn't with him anymore. He hated that, it always gave him a very unpleasant feeling even if he would usually find Subaru curled on the couch in the dark, all wrapped up in Seishiro's coat like a scared child, empty, glazed eyes staring at... nothing really, as if Subaru were merely a doll that had been abandoned there. Seishiro had learnt it was pointless to try to talk with Subaru in those moments, since Subaru seemed to refuse to utter a single word despite Seishiro's prodding. He merely curled up more and clung to Seishiro's coat as if afraid Seishiro would take it away from him. So, for lack of better options, Seishiro would simply pick Subaru up and carry him back to bed. Subaru would let him do so without protests or complains, although he would continue to hug himself and cling to his coat. It would take quite a bit of coddling and cuddling before he would let go of the coat and begin clinging to Seishiro instead, often beginning to babble nonsense instead of explanations until he would finally fall back to sleep.

When, one day, amidst the babbling, Seishiro finally managed to get some sort of answer about why Subaru had this _'fondness'_ for wrapping himself up in his coat as if, to him, it was the equivalent of Linus' security blanket, the boy mumbled something about it still holding his scent and being warm. When Seishiro had tried to explain to Subaru than the bed most surely held his scent much better since he was in it and was far warmer Subaru had replied he couldn't stay there.

Due to Seishiro's insistence Subaru had tried to explain why but all that the man managed to understand was that being there felt like _'Rainbow Bridge'_. Why lying in his arms in their bed felt like being on a now destroyed bridge was beyond Seishiro and Subaru hadn't been able or willing to explain further so Seishiro had let the matter slide, at least for the time being.

In the morning Subaru wouldn't remember most of what had happened during the night. Seishiro wasn't sure if that was a bad thing or a blessing since Subaru refused to talk about the little he remembered.

Due to his disrupted sleeping schedule Subaru would be sleepy for most of the day and often he ended up dozing off if not outright falling asleep in the middle of it. Seishiro didn't try to stop him from napping, actually he encouraged it, contenting himself with holding Subaru against himself in the meantime.

Despite the tiredness somehow Subaru was more rational during the day and slept better, for which he had the not exactly clear explanation that _'no one had died in the middle of the day'_.(1)

Seishiro would have liked to know what was plaguing him so, if all that distress was caused by Subaru's messed up memory but talking about what Subaru _'remembered'_ upset Subaru even more, so he simply avoided the topic or prodded at it warily, usually without having any success.

All in all, dealing with Subaru was like dealing with a dog that had been beaten too often and now was unable to believe he would be treated with love and care. The boy would remain curled on himself for hours, careful to keep Seishiro in his eyesight but never getting too close and becoming very wary when Seishiro would stand or sit next to him although it was painfully obvious Subaru loved and needed to be hugged and held close.

Seishiro wasn't the only one who knew of the pitiful state Subaru was in, Hokuto-chan had noticed as well and, since she desperately wanted to help him, she tried to cheer him up with a party to which she would invite only Subaru's closest friends.

In Seishiro's opinion it was the worst idea the girl could possibly have and for once it wasn't merely because he hated sharing Subaru with other people. In Seishiro's opinion, to expose Subaru, who even at his best had never been particularly extroverted, to the contact with other people when he didn't even seem to know how to handle interacting with Seishiro and Hokuto-chan was bound to end in disaster. But although not even Subaru had liked the idea, he hadn't been able to say no to his sister and Seishiro didn't want to stress him further by starting an argument with Hokuto-chan about how it was clear Subaru didn't wish to go to her party.

Mercifully at least she had organized it at her house so, if things were to get worse, Seishiro could always grab Subaru and take him back home. Among the few people invited to the party there was the Kazetsukai with his little happy family, the Kansai Bousan with his Miko, Kigai and his girlfriend and, of course, she had to invite Kamui claiming he was Subaru's best friend, a fact Seishiro simply refused to believe. There were no connections between the little brat and his Subaru.

Reaching Hokuto-chan's house had been a bit more complicated than usual since Subaru didn't want to get anywhere close to the waterfront and so Seishiro had to make a long deviation to get there.

When they finally arrived Subaru was too tired and too introverted and too busy clinging to Seishiro's hand to really pay attention to anything else. He was a pitiful sight and he knew it and Seishiro was sure that it wouldn't do any good trying to force him to socialize while he was like that.

He remembered the time he had dragged a teenage Subaru to a Karaoke box and Hokuto-chan had managed to force her brother to try to sing a song that Subaru didn't know. Instead of having fun trying the nervous and embarrassed boy had forced himself to do it with the stoic patience and the good effort with which he did everything and, once he had finished trying to sing it, he had mostly withdrawn into himself, pretending to be all right when he was not. He basically reduced interaction with others to a minimum level until Seishiro decided Subaru probably had enough and had took him back home where he spent three good hours trying to assure him that no, he hadn't been a total failure and there was no need for him to keep on apologizing and no, he didn't care at all if Hokuto-chan could sing everything and Subaru couldn't and he hadn't ruined Seishiro's day at all and so on.

Back then Hokuto-chan had insisted that Subaru should try doing new things, that he should try to work on becoming more outgoing and stop worrying about failing other people's expectations but this had always turned out to be an impossible task for Subaru. Subaru always had to try his hardest to make everyone happy and felt miserable when he failed. And that was before that mess started, when Subaru was far better at interacting with others and a lot less frail psychologically. Seishiro didn't really want to know how he would react now, were he to believe he had failed his sister's expectations for that party. He pulled him closer and stroked his hair reassuringly. Subaru just stared at him with that lost puppy expression of his and he seriously considered scoping him up and carrying him away but then they heard Hokuto-chan calling them and Subaru broke eye contact with Seishiro to look at his sister.

"It'll go well, Subaru, and in case you really want to leave, just tell me and I'll take you away," he assured him in a quiet murmur before letting him go so that his sister could hug him, through there was no need for her, really, to hug **__HIS__** Subaru. He forced a smile and tried to ignore the nagging reminder he hated to share Subaru with other people. It would be only for a short amount of time, he told himself. A short amount of time that, as Hokuto-chan pulled Subaru toward the other guests, seemed impossibly long. He sighed, eyed Subaru and hoped at least Hokuto-chan had prepared some cake for him to console himself with or really, that whole situation would soon become unbearable, not only for Subaru but for him also.

* * *

If Subaru had been the type to complain freely he would have stated outright that he hated being at that party and wanted to go back to Seishiro's home. He had never felt like he fit among the other Ten no Ryu and had always tried to avoid them when it was possible, sure his presence would be only a bother for them, and now Hokuto-chan had thrown him right in the middle of them. He figured that would have been her style had she lived. She would have insisted he socialize with them and would have tried to pair him up with one of them, hadn't he already been in a hopeless one sided love with Seishiro-san.

_'It'll go well, Subaru, and in case you really want to leave, just tell me and I'll take you away,'_ Seishiro-san had told him a short time ago and he wanted to leave, he truly did, but there was still enough politeness and love for his sister in him to stop him from simply asking Seishiro-san to take him away. In the meantime everyone at the party kept trying to talk with him and he didn't really know how to keep up those conversations since they were often talking about things he didn't know or didn't understand, acting as if they all were expecting him to wish to chat. He wondered if, among the things his memory had messed up, there was the fact that in his past he had been a talker. Somehow he doubted it and a side of him was extremely grateful when Kamui yelled at them all to let him be and dragged him away toward a quiet corner in the garden, although it felt unpleasant to be taken to a place away from Seishiro-san. He would have liked for Seishiro-san to come with them but, when the man moved to follow Hokuto-chan had stopped him. Subaru had no idea why, and so he found himself alone in the garden with Kamui. Come to think of it, Kamui hadn't been very outgoing during the party either, not that Kamui had ever been very outgoing to begin with, but now... now the boy was different from how he remembered him, angrier, bitter and more depressed.

He remembered what Seishiro-san had told him, that Fuma-kun had died in the past Subaru couldn't remember and he realized he didn't feel like blaming Kamui for the way he was dealing with his loss or offering him empty words of support. He knew only too well what it meant to lose someone.

Kamui stared at him, studying him intensely as if expecting him to say something. Subaru stared back in silence, feeling guilty somehow. Kamui had been the closest thing he had to a friend. His life had been similar to his. Being in his presence was marginally better than being with the others. And now that the boy needed it, he had no idea how to help him. He felt even worse as he saw Kamui's frown deepening.

"You're different," the boy stated in the end, as soon as he finished scrutinizing Subaru.

"I'm sorry," Subaru apologised, feeling even more guilty than usual. Kamui was likely suffering enough from his loss, he shouldn't be burdened further by Subaru's _'amnesia'_. Kamui arched one of his eyebrows at his words and Subaru lowered his gaze. "I'm sorry, I don't remember how I was before but I didn't mean to disappoint you as well or to cause you further problems. I'm sorry," he repeated and swallowed, feeling his mouth dry. Kamui shouldn't be there, worrying about him. Subaru had behaved horribly toward him after Seishiro's death, abandoning him and the Ten no Ryu to their own devices, so Kamui really shouldn't worry about him. He should focus on his wish... if for him it was still possible to have one. Subaru's breathing grew a bit more hurried as his mind automatically went back to the little he remembered about the events after Seishiro's death and he clenched his fists and shook his head in a pitiful attempt to chase away the memory of that horrid, maddening pain. At least Kamui was dealing with it far better than he had been doing but considering all Kamui had been through it wasn't surprising. Kamui was tough while Subaru was not. Also Kamui was surrounded by friends that loved him while Subaru, back then, merely had a family that might have loved him but completely failed in showing it openly, making him feel even more alone and guilty. Hokuto-chan was the one who should have survived, not him. Since she hadn't, it should have been Seishiro-san, but no, Subaru had been the one that was left. He, the one least fit to live, the one least worthy to live, had survived while Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san had died. It wasn't fair.

But Seishiro-san had said nothing of this had happened, that it was just Subaru's memory that was messed up so maybe he shouldn't feel bad about it and yet he couldn't help it.

"Hokuto said you remember things differently from actual events. Do you remember what we were? Our connection?" the boy asked, interrupting his dark thoughts.

"We were both Ten no Ryu," Subaru replied automatically. Kamui frowned, looking disappointed.

"Just that?" he asked irritated.

"I think... we were friends... I think... you were the closest thing to a friend I had... you... you were similar to me... in a fashion..." he replied slowly. "But my memory is messed up so if we weren't I apologize for assuming..."

At his words Kamui smiled, a smile he hadn't seen on his face before and that he didn't know how to interpret but probably that was because in the past he remembered Kamui never had to smile while suffering such a loss. He wondered if he should hug him, as he had done when he had gone within Kamui but wasn't sure if he was allowed to. At least his words had made Kamui kind of happy, maybe had lessened his pain somewhat and that was what mattered, wasn't it?

"Of course we were close, Subaru, I'm the one on which you can always count, I'm your best friend and you're mine, never forget that," the boy replied before taking the initiative and hugging him. Kamui had hugged him before but it had been more a _'thank you'_ hug or a _'please, don't die'_ hug. This was different. This seemed to be much more affectionate than what he was used to from the boy, but Kamui had lost his most special person and Subaru, due to his amnesia, was mostly useless to him, so Subaru figured it was understandable if Kamui was being more affectionate than usual. He must have worried him, worried Kamui who had already enough to worry about. He didn't deserve Kamui's friendship especially because, while Kamui was hugging him, all he could think was that he would very much prefer if it was Seishiro-san hugging him. He felt guilty for that wish because he truly cared for Kamui but Seishiro-san... Seishiro-san would always come first. He tried to return the hug anyway, rather clumsily at that, knowing he should be the one doing the comforting and not vice versa.

However their hug was interrupted by Seishiro-san himself when he came to call Subaru, saying Hokuto-chan wanted to see him right now. Subaru broke the embrace and moved toward the house obediently, feeling a bit confused when Seishiro-san didn't follow him but he didn't try to question the man. Maybe he also wanted to have some quiet in the garden instead of being continuously forced to babysit him. Seishiro watched him leave and, when Subaru was out of sight, he turned to look at Kamui.

"Keep your hands off my property, boy," he warned with that friendly smile he used for the few people he was about to kill slowly and painfully, the ones who wouldn't be so lucky to have a peaceful death.

"You never deserved him in the first place," the boy hissed back angrily, glaring at him with hate. "You were always making demands on him, and tried to cut him off from his family and friends. Subaru was always the one who had to do all the work to make you happy, never the other way around, and before he lost his memory he was starting to realize it, wasn't he? Who knows, maybe he was about to dump you for good. You should feel fucking lucky he doesn't remember what a bastard you were, how you took advantage of his kind nature and how he was finally starting to understand this!"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Seishiro stated and though his voice sounded calm he wasn't smiling anymore.

"Aren't you glad he lost his memory, Sakurazuka_-san_? In this state it should be easy for you to twist his mind all over again! You'll ruin him again, make him your toy, make him miserable and he won't even see it coming! I hate you! If Subaru wasn't so crazy about you I would kill you without a second thought!" the boy yelled and ran away.

Seishiro let him go, knowing that Kamui was no threat to him and seeing no point in killing someone Subaru cared for while Subaru was upset. Maybe he would have his chance once Subaru felt better but, for now, he'd let this slide. Yet he wished he could give the brat a good spanking to teach him to respect his elders for good and to stay away from other people's possessions. Kids these days were so rude...

He shook his head in disapproval and began walking back toward the house.

So he and Subaru had had problems before. It was their private business and he would have solved it sooner or later, Kamui shouldn't even consider intruding. Besides it wasn't like he would have let Subaru go. Subaru wasn't allowed to leave him, no matter what. He would never, **__never__** let Subaru go. Subaru was his and therefore bound to stay with him for the rest of his life. Subaru knew that too. It was part of their agreement, of their bet. Subaru knew better than try to break it and leave him.

Yet Subaru had almost escaped him, he had almost...

He frowned and pushed back that unpleasant memory.

It didn't matter, in the end it hadn't happened.

Subaru was back with him, Subaru was his, he got him back and he would never let him go again.

Never.

* * *

While Seishiro and Kamui were having their little _'chat'_ Hokuto was busy showing pictures to Subaru, assuring him that seeing them would help him recover his memory and complaining because Seishiro-chan hadn't done it despite being the one who owned Subaru's best pictures. Subaru stared at the photos his sister was showing him, unable to recognize himself in them. That boy that grinned happily couldn't be him. Sure, they looked the same but... he had never been so happy and carefree, not even during the year of the bet.

He was tempted to think they had mistaken him for someone else, someone else with his same name and that looked like him somehow, only that reasoning didn't make much sense. He might have a double who coincidentally shared his name but for this double to have doubles of all the people Subaru knew... that was a bit too much to believe. It simply wasn't possible.

"Subaru, you're not listening!" Hokuto-chan complained loudly, her voice cutting through his thoughts.

"I'm sorry," he apologized automatically without much conviction. He hadn't meant to be inattentive but really, Hokuto-chan's tales about when the photos had been taken didn't ring any bell to him and he wanted some time to think things over. His sister sighed and looked at him as if he was a lost cause as she finally closed the photo album. He felt pain at disappointing her again but really, the things she had been talking about, hadn't happened to him and the more she talked about the happy life she insisted he had, the more he felt depressed and out of place, knowing his life had been anything but happy.

"How are things going between you and Sei-chan?" Hokuto-chan asked then and he knew he should have seen it coming. In the life he remembered she had always loved to pry into their relationship or lack thereof and it seems this hadn't changed in this life.

"Seishiro-san is being gentle with me despite the fact I'm a nuisance to him," he admitted, lowering his head.

"Well, if you want things to improve you could stop calling him _'Seishiro-san'_. And hug him sometimes. And smile. And ask him to do things for you. And have hot, sweaty sex with him all night!" she concluded cheerfully, trying his best to be supportive, never mind that all the suggestions she had made were out of Subaru's league. He simply wasn't able to do such things and she should have known that. Or maybe not. Maybe the Subaru she believed he was had been a daring person. Well, he would have to break the truth to her now, to inform her of how different he was from how she believed him to be.

"I'm not like that, Hokuto-chan," he admitted. "I can't do things like that. I just can't."

"Well, instead of sitting here feeling guilty and miserable, you should give it a try!" she stated stubbornly. "You should try doing something positive for a chance, not to submit and suffer in silence like you did before. Think of this as a second chance to be happy, a new start! You'll be happy if, for once, you try to do something to get what you want and since you always wanted Sei-chan you should go and take him!"

_'You'll be happy if, for once, you try to do something to get what you want,'_ she said. What a joke, he thought. When he had tried to get what he wanted, his own demise at the hand of Seishiro-san, it had been Hokuto-chan's spell that had stopped him from getting what he had been longing for, giving him the exact opposite. Giving him...

He closed his eyes and tried to forget the memory of Seishiro-san lying limply in his arms, his blood on his hands and the horrible, horrible knowledge he had lost him forever.

"How do you know? How do you know what will make me happy or not? Your bright plan to make me happy was to die and abandon me and on top of this you... you..." _'You put a curse on Seishiro-san so that, instead of killing me, he died on me'_ he desperately wanted to say but he didn't dare. He didn't want to give his sister ideas and he didn't want to say out loud what had happened as if, the mere mention, could cause it to become real.

"Subaru, that never happened! You can't hold things against me I didn't do!" she countered, looking hurt and he had never meant to hurt her but...

"I'm not holding it against you," he replied in a softer, gentler tone but, as soon as he said it, he realized it wasn't true. He had tried so badly to be mad at Seishiro-san, to hate him for what he had done but he had never managed. The man didn't care for him so, as much as it hurt Subaru, it was reasonable for him to do what he did, to hurt Subaru beyond belief because, really, Subaru's happiness or unhappiness didn't matter to him at all. But Hokuto-chan... she had always said she cared for him and he had always trusted her and in her caring for him... she had turned his life into a living hell. She hadn't respected his decision to stay Within and wait for Seishiro-san to kill him, she had forced him to come out of that state, she had forced him to snap out of it because, to her, it was better if he were awake to face the full force of his own pain as well as the guilt of her own demise and his own loneliness than if he were within merely dealing with a smaller and numbed version of it. Because to her it was better if he lived as the murderer of the one he loved the most than if he were to finally die as he so longed for. In truth it hadn't been better at all, it had been horrible and Subaru had been driven almost to insanity by the pain all this caused him. He could feel it again, feel the horrible knowledge Seishiro-san didn't love him at all, that his sister was dead because of him, that he had murdered the man he loved, that...

"Subaru! Subaru, what's wrong?" a familiar voice asked him as strong arms were wrapped protectively around him, pulling him against a warm, familiar body and only then did he realize he was crying, his arms wrapped around his body as he rocked slightly on himself.

"Sei... Seishiro-san?" he called trying to brush away his tears with his sleeve a bit more violently then necessary, trying to regain his self control. He didn't want to look weak, not in front of Seishiro-san and yet, of late, he could do nothing but look weak, he was such a failure, he... Strong hands stopped him then took his face in them and raised it gently.

"I'm here, Subaru. What's wrong?" the man asked so very gently it made Subaru long to cry even more.

"Don't die. Kill me if it pleases you, kill everyone else but don't die..." Subaru whimpered. "I don't mind dying as long as you stay alive. I can't bear the idea of you dying..." he admitted and sobbed, unable to hold back his tears.

Seishiro-san hugged him tightly again, allowing him to cry freely on his shoulder and to bury his head against it to hide his tears.

"No one is dead and no one will die, Subaru. I'll always stay with you. Didn't I tell you this already?" the man reminded him but Subaru ignored his reply and just clung to him.

Seishiro sighed as he rubbed Subaru's back soothingly then informed Hokuto-chan he was taking Subaru back home before beginning to pull him away.

Hokuto stared numbly at her brother as he left with Sei-chan. She had only wanted to help him but of late it seemed whatever she did to help him turned out to be a disaster. She knew Subaru couldn't be happy the way he was now, so it was logical for her to suggest he try to change as sure as she was Sei-chan wouldn't have minded if Subaru were to be a little more affectionate. She didn't understand how Subaru might want to cling to that way of living that wasn't really his, to memories that weren't true and that were hurting him so as if it was his duty to bear that pain and he couldn't share it with anyone else.

Yet Subaru had always been like that. When he had accepted the role of Sumeragi no Toushu despite not wanting it, not liking the work and wishing to be something completely different, he had stubbornly done his duty without discussion and without asking for anyone's help, no matter how bad he felt afterward and how hard it was for him. He had refused to disappoint their grandmother or let others get into trouble and so he had always been doing all he could to make the other happy, never caring about himself or how he felt.

The only thing over which he had fought uncaring of how others would feel was Sakurazuka Seishiro. He had always clung to him almost jealously, as if he had made it the mission of his life to protect him and to make him happy, nearly always giving in to all the man's wishes, ready to sacrifice everything else for him, and, even if Hokuto had been happy her brother had someone he loved and cared for, she had the nagging suspicion Sei-chan's love for Subaru wasn't even half as deep as Subaru feeling for him.

Sei-chan was like a well-mannered yet spoiled child. Absolutely adorable and charming and, in the same way, capable of that type of cruelty children performed effortlessly and with so much innocence.

It didn't help Subaru never complained about him. She knew that, had the man done something to her brother, Subaru loved him too much to do something other than forgive him or take the responsibility for it.

So, while one side of her wanted Subaru to be happy with Sei-chan, she wasn't sure that was possible and that scared her more than she dared to admit.

Sei-chan was selfishly possessive when it came down to everything he believed he owned.

Like some children, he preferred to destroy a toy than give it to another kid, even if he had already cast said toy aside by a long time.

Hokuto however would never let him destroy Subaru. Never.

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. Seishiro probably died in the late evening or night. In the OAV it looks like Hokuto died during night time as well. In the manga it doesn't look that late but it seems as if the sky is darkening as if it was around sunset (or maybe that's just my impression). From here Subaru's declaration that people don't die during the middle of the day.

**JJ's Extra Notes:**

Okay, so this chapter got changed quite a bit from his demo version. Oh, the plot is still more or less the same but... well, now I hope it will transmit the characters' feelings much better. Also, finally the other surviving dragons show up and yes, I know, they don't do much but Subaru isn't ready yet to deal with all of them, sorry. Handling Kamui was already rather difficult for him but Kamui's kind of special to him, the little over possessive twin brother he never had in Tokyo Babylon...  
And yes, Kamui and Seishiro don't get along but I take it no one is surprised by that...

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based upon the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Sumeragi no TouShu:** Sumeragi's Head  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven  
**TouShu:** "Accepted Master". Family Head

* * *

**Replies to reviews:**

To **laustic**: Yes, Hokuto needs to learn to back off... although her intentions are good. She really cares a lot for Subaru and only wants to help him... but this Subaru suffered quite a bit due to her 'help'... LOL the phonecalls will stay a mystery for a long while... evil writers are evil...

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: Never, though this time he's lucky he has Seishiro. That's great! I can't wait to read it!

To **kingleby**: Definitely his life isn't easy. I'm glad the hints were interesting and please, feel free to share your theories!

To **Behan**: I'm sorry you had to wait so much for this new update... Well, Subaru is very much in love with Seishiro here... and luckily for him Seishiro kind of returns the feeling in his own twisted, possessive way. Not that Subaru minds... His problem is he lives in fear all this is just a dream... and I can't really blame him considering what he remembers is completely different... Also he desperately needs Seishiro. Subaru is prone to take on himself the blame for everything that happens. Seishiro's death wounded him too deeply, distorting his perception of the world and mining away at his mind's sanity. Seishiro's reasoning for what he did in X is quite unclear. There are many theories and, of course, I've mine, and part of his reasoning is likely he didn't want to lose Subaru... but surely I wish CLAMP had explained it better! The fact that Seishiro chose to die imply he wasn't all right either. People don't just commit suicide to relive boredom or to be evil with other people. Evidently he had his own problems, only we'll never know what they were. In another work CLAMP said who kills a person must also suffer of a huge collateral, so maybe, even if Seishiro didn't notice it, that collateral was slowly destroying him... or something like that. We'll likely never know. There's also the chance he blindly believed in the FOREORDAINED. He was foreordained Subaru had to kill him so he let him. Either way you look at it, his actions aren't the ones of a normal person. Yes, what Hokuto did was rather stupid, although she meant well and had no idea the characteristic Seishiro wanted in his lover was he could be his heir and murderer. I don't think she had figured out he had 'suicidal' feelings. Still, although she acted in order to protect Subaru I think what she did was wrong on many levels. The caller is definitely important, though you'll find out his identity only at the end of the fic (unless you guess it sooner!). Again thank you a lot for your beautiful and detailed review! i really love it!

To **Tenshi no Hoshii**: I'm glad you do! Please, feel free to share your theory and don't worry, things will get clearer as long as the story progress.

To **Black Velvet Nerd**: I don't plan to give up on this story, don't worry! Please feel free to share your ideas and thank you for liking my fic and the fact I add notes to it! I try to make it as detailed as I can!

To **Francesca Akira89**: Well, I can't really tell you what has happened... but a completely innocent Seishiro wouldn't be believable, would it?

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


	10. Chap 9: 9th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 9: 9th Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

* * *

In his own way Subaru was trying to get used to that new life that, at least, allowed him to have back the two persons he had loved the most. Sometimes he wondered why it was so hard for him. It should be easy to live a happy life in which Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san were alive and Seishiro-san loved him.

In truth he thought he knew why he couldn't get used to it. He was so afraid to shatter that tiny corner of paradise with a wrong move that he didn't really dare to move in it, that he actually found it difficult to take a breath. Seishiro-san was being very patient with him, which made him even more nervous because he felt guilty for bothering him and being unable to be who the man wanted him to be or give him what he wanted. Plus he didn't know if he was more afraid of Seishiro-san dying in front of him all of sudden - maybe because he would unconsciously trigger Hokuto-chan's damned spell a second time - or of him returning to considering him an object and abandoning him again.

Hokuto-chan would visit them any chance she had. Although happy to see his sister, Subaru also hated those visits because he always expected Hokuto-chan and Seishiro-san to try and kill each other again. Each time they were too close... he kept seeing Hokuto-chan dying and Seishiro-san being cursed which caused him to feel sick afterward. He had no idea how to explain this to either of them and he felt bad for causing them to worry about him due to this.

At least there had been no further scary phone calls, actually there had been no phone calls at all, but that was probably because Seishiro-san had requested for their phone number to be changed. Subaru was sure that wouldn't be enough to stop the culprit, though he couldn't explain why he was so sure about it, but Seishiro-san didn't want to talk about it at all and so Subaru didn't either.

The worst part of that life were the dreams. Nightmares about his previous life. Some of them... some of them he could bear. Sort of. They would wake him up but he would manage to deal with them. Kind of. The ones in which Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan died and that plagued him at least once each night... those he could not.

Subaru would wake up with that memory still fresh in his mind, usually with Seishiro-san lying all over him (because Seishiro-san somehow always ended up sleeping on him, no matter how much free space in the bed Subaru was trying to leave him), his head resting on Subaru's chest and his arms around Subaru's body, and he would be reminded of the last time he had the man's weight resting against him, of his hand through Seishiro-san's chest, of the smell of the blood, of the cold air, of the sound of water under them, of the mist, of the hard concrete on which they were, of his soul shattering, and would quickly free himself from Seishiro-san's grasp and leave the room before going into hysterics or becoming sick. More often than not he would get sick anyway but, so far, he didn't think Seishiro-san had ever found out, and that was fine with Subaru.

He wasn't sure though. Most of what happened after those dreams was hazy.

All he knew was that Seishiro-san would always come get him and take him back to bed... or at least he assumed so, because among the few clear memories he had of those moments that weren't of his nightmare there was the one of being back in the bed with Seishiro-san cuddling and coddling him until he would calm down, feel marginally better and manage to fall asleep again.

In the morning most of what had happened to him would be forgotten, or to be more precise, not so much forgotten as placed in the farthest corner of his mind and he would refuse to answer any question Seishiro-san would ask about it. This seemed to displease Seishiro-san who, for some weird reason of his own, wanted to talk about it but Subaru... just didn't feel ready to discuss what he desperately wanted to forget.

It didn't help that he was tired and, often, his head also ached. He would often end up dozing off, although he tried not to. At least, Seishiro-san wouldn't get mad at him for this, on the contrary, if Subaru fell asleep in some uncomfortable place he would move him to the bed or the couch, careful not to wake him up and would cover him with a blanket as well. Most of the times Subaru would wake up discovering he'd slept with his head in Seishiro-san's lap, Seishiro-san's hand still caressing his hair, or while leaning against the man's shoulder or his chest, Seishiro-san's arms usually wrapped around him.

Somehow, during the day his sleep was quieter, less nightmare filled, probably because the sun hadn't shone during the two most nightmarish things that had happened to him.

On a positive note he ate more than before now. At least, to him it seemed like a lot more, but in truth it was only a little more and it was only due to Seishiro-san's patient insistence and care that he had managed to make some progress. He wouldn't be overly pushy though but Subaru had figured out that somehow it was important for Seishiro-san to have Subaru eat what he cooked and... to like it also so... he was trying. He wanted to make Seishiro-san happy, after all.

Also, the wound on his wrist was completely healed. Now only a scar remained. Subaru still couldn't remember how he got the injury in the first place. As far as he knew he never got it but then, as far as he knew he should have had a huge scar on his stomach too and instead there wasn't even a scratch. It was comforting somehow, it seemed proof that reality was... well, real. When Seishiro-san wasn't looking sometimes he would poke at the scar, feeling an odd fascination for it, as if it had a deeper meaning. He'd been told he got it while on a job but it seemed... different from the you would get from a Kamaitachi. Maybe the spirit had power enough to use something else? Subaru had no idea, he didn't know what kind of spirit he had faced and, anyway, he wasn't an expert in wounds and so, he couldn't say exactly what was so different about that wound.

Seishiro-san had tried to encourage him to spend the time in which he was awake trying to familiarize himself with the house, since Subaru still felt very much out of place in it and, basically, didn't dare to touch anything without being prompted to.

Even the photo album he had noticed between some Onmyoudo books the previous day... His fingers had wandered toward it, going so far as to brush its cover but he hadn't dared to pick it up. He had been curious to see it, he remembered how Hokuto-chan had told him that _'Seishiro-san had the best pictures'_ but he also wasn't sure if he wanted to know what was inside, if he wanted to see more photos of that smiling stranger that shared his face and his name. Besides he had no idea if he was allowed to look at it and he didn't dare to ask to Seishiro-san for permission. Photos were a private thing and maybe Seishiro-san didn't feel like sharing them with him.

So, rather than getting familiar with the house, he actually spent most of his time watching Seishiro-san and trying to be inconspicuous doing it. He was anything but inconspicuous but, so far, Seishiro-san hadn't complained or let Subaru know he had noticed Subaru was staring at him, so Subaru continued doing it any chance he got.

He never had the time to get to know Seishiro-san well before.

Their first meeting had taken place when he had been a child and he had forgotten most of it.

During the year of the bet he had work to take care of and Hokuto-chan's teasing and his shy nature kept him from trying to get close to the man at all, even when he had wanted to.

In 1999 he saw him two times only. The first was in front of the Sunshine building, the second... He refused to think about the second time the best he could or he would go mad.

All Subaru was asking for was to be allowed to be with Seishiro-san, to get to know him, to mean something to him, to make him happy and yet he knew that, at the moment, he was more of a burden than anything else. He knew he had to learn to do better. Only he had no idea how.

He wasn't even sure how to handle the situation when the man was being... affectionate towards him, for crying out loud!

Not that he disliked it, actually Subaru loved and wanted it very much but he somehow also dreaded these moments. He didn't know how to deal with anything that was more than just a hug. Not only did it feel awkward, it was more that, living as he was, constantly fearing he would lose Seishiro-san again, the idea of learning to love the man even more than he already did, to tie himself to him even tighter and then being abandoned a second time... He... he didn't think he could bear that. He desperately hoped Seishiro-san wouldn't notice any of that, neither his wish to be close nor his wish to keep distant, all the while not knowing which one was worse.

All in all, he felt lost and very alone, which was really ironic considering now he wasn't alone anymore but maybe he wasn't destined to be happy, not even when his life wasn't completely ruined by the loss of the ones he loved.

* * *

So night came again and with it another nightmare that caused Subaru to awake all of sudden, panting and trembling with tears falling silently from his eyes because Seishiro-san was dying on him. Seishiro-san was dying on him and there was nothing, nothing he could do to save the man and it was all his fault and...

He forced himself not to panic when he began to become aware of the weight of the man still draped over him as he slowly, ever so slowly, moved his trembling hand to Seishiro-san's neck to check his pulse. Yes, he realized, he could feel it, the steady beating of the man's heart and... and Seishiro-san's breath was tickling his arm so that meant...

Alive, alive, alive... he was alive...

He closed his eyes, trying not to begin to sob loudly, trying not to bother Seishiro-san's sleep and heard it again, heard again the horrible sound of his hand going through the man's chest, felt the stickiness of blood on his fingers, its scent permeating the air and...

He slid out from Seishiro-san's hold as quietly and as fast as possible, knowing he was very close to throwing up right then and ran to the bathroom. He threw up as silently as he could which wasn't very but he hoped he'd been quiet enough so as not to wake up Seishiro-san. He felt horrible and dizzy and both his stomach and head were hurting but he was used to it. He was used to pain. It reminded him he was alive. For years he had hated that reminder and had borne the pain as a punishment for it. Now he suffered it as the price for being with his sister and the man he loved, a price he paid gladly without a single complaint. It was fine that he was in pain if that meant he could be with Seishiro-san and Hokuto-chan.

Hoping to clear his mind - the world always felt horribly fuzzy and unstable after he had felt sick - he washed his face and, by mistake, ended up looking in the mirror. It was a mistake, one he always did his best to avoid.

He hated his mirror image.

Actually, he hated himself but he couldn't see himself unless he looked into a mirror so he could normally deal with his self-hate in an acceptable manner. When he was seeing himself into a mirror... the moment he saw again those two perfectly green eyes instead of one green and one golden one he was reminded of the fact he had lost Seishiro-san's eye - even if he still couldn't figure how and despite everything suggesting he actually never had it in the first place. His memories assaulted him, drowned him, began to clash again with what he'd been told his life was, and it made no sense, he knew what his past had been like, he knew Hokuto-chan was dead, Seishiro-san was dead, he knew he'd gotten Seishiro-san's eye, he knew he'd been stabbed... Not that he wanted all this to have happened, all this to be real, but he knew, he knew and it made no sense and was he mad? Was he mad? Or was he merely hallucinating? Was all this real or were his memories real? The world was spinning, blurring in front of his eyes and there was a noise in his head and it hurt and all this made no sense, it made no sense and he hated himself, he hated his mirror image that was him and yet wasn't and he acted without stopping to think and his fist connected to the mirror immediately shattering it.

The world seemed to come to a screeching halt at that and the only sounds he could heard were his panting breath and the loud beating of his heart as cold sweat condensed on his skin and began to trail down slowly. He felt cold and there was a sharp pain located in his hand and a bad aftertaste in his mouth and his stomach still felt upset and his whole body hurt and he felt worn out as if he'd been running non stop for centuries.

He blinked and looked around, feeling unsure of his surroundings all of sudden. That... that was Seishiro-san's bathroom... and he... he was wearing the pyjamas Seishiro-san had given to him, saying they belonged to him though Subaru couldn't remember buying them and... the mirror... it was broken, it was his fault, he'd broken Seishiro-san's mirror, he'd broken Seishiro-san's expensive mirror, what had he been thinking? The world swayed again as his knees gave away and he lost his balance. He slid down onto the floor, feeling desperation bubble up inside him.

He'd made a mess. He broke Seishiro-san's mirror. He was a nuisance, maybe he was insane, surely he wasn't the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted. Seishiro-san wouldn't let him stay in that house any longer, he just knew it. He tried to swallow a sob and failed as he lowered his head and curled up on himself, still trying to hold back his sobs and unable to, totally unable to do something more than sitting there and just crying his heart out as he hugged himself as if that was enough to stop him from going to pieces.

* * *

When Seishiro awoke and found himself in bed alone **__again__** he rolled his eyes and swore next time he would tie Subaru to the bed. Subaru just couldn't keep on leaving in the middle of the night for no good reason at all.

He got up and went looking for him, frowning as he noticed the boy wasn't in his usual spot on the couch. Subaru wouldn't have tried to leave the house, would he? Not in the middle of the night, not without a good reason, no, he must still be inside so where...

He got his answer as soon as he heard some quiet sobbing from the half open door of the bathroom and noted the light inside was on. Damn, what in the world had happened now, he wondered as he moved to get in.

"Subaru? Is everything all right?" he asked, entering the room and he realized it was really a stupid question when he saw Subaru was babbling nonsense while sitting on the floor surrounded by the mirror shards, his feet naked, all curled on himself, trembling slightly as he sobbed. His face was drained of most of its colour while the blood from the cuts on his right hand was dripping carelessly on the floor.

No, it was evident nothing was all right but that wasn't the moment to waste time with questions. He needed to take Subaru away from that place before he would cut himself further with the shards of glass all around him. He had to take him to a warmer place where he could take care of the cuts on his hand.

"Subaru? Here, it's all right, let me take you away," he said gently as he knelt next to him and tried to pick him up carefully. At first Subaru didn't even seem to realize his presence then he jerked away from him instinctively, looking at him with scared wide eyes. "It's all right, Subaru, it's just me," he assured him as he slowly managed to pick him up. Subaru didn't try to move away again, actually he just went completely still as he stared at Seishiro, panting for breath, shuddering. "It's all right, Subaru, it's all right. It's just me; you've got nothing to worry about."

"Seishiro-san?" the boy said, looking up at him anxiously as if he recognized him only now.

"Yes, it's me. It's all right, Subaru," he told him again, cuddling him even closer as he carried him back to the bedroom.

"Seishiro-san," repeated before curling against him, clinging to him the best he could and beginning to murmur apologies, most of which did not make sense, apart for the ones about the broken mirror and the damn eye again! Seishiro swore to himself he would never, **__NEVER__** give to Subaru something that remotely resembled an eye for the rest of his life.

As soon as he put Subaru down on the bed Seishiro had to untangle himself from the boy's convulsed grip to pull off of his sweat-soaked shirt and make him wear a much warmer one. Then he left him for a moment to get the band aid kit.

When he returned Subaru was curled on the bed crying hysterically and begging to be forgiven. Sighing, Seishiro sat down next to him, doing his best to calm him and wondering what in the world could have caused this. He'd been hoping they were past this stage and had no idea what could have caused Subaru to slip back into this but this time he planned to get some answers as soon as Subaru was rational again. It was bad enough Subaru would get up every night but wandering around the house, hurting himself and then breaking down like this... well, this required him to do something. However, to even marginally calm down Subaru took a while and he found himself bandaging Subaru's hand while holding him in his arms, which wasn't exactly making things easy. He kept on holding him even after his hand had been taken care of, stroking his back soothingly and whispering reassurances softly, feeling as if Subaru had regressed to being a child. However, even when he was in this state, it was still nice to have him in his arms, sniffling slightly and snuggling against him as if asking for Seishiro's protection. He kept on comforting him, not asking any questions until the boy finally managed to stop crying and seemed calm and rational enough to offer some sort of explanation.

"Subaru... I'm not mad, really, and I promise I won't get angry no matter what but I'd like to know what caused this," he asked caressing gently the boy's dark hair. "I need to know what happened," he insisted. Subaru seemed to grow anxious again at that and Seishiro held him tighter against himself. "It's all right. Just tell me. You're my precious Subaru; I swear I won't get mad at you." It took a while but in the end Subaru finally tried to offer some explanations but the story he told wasn't fully coherent.

According to Subaru Seishiro had died again, then the bridge crashed and Subaru opened his eyes but Seishiro was still lying on him, only he wasn't dead and that was good, but Subaru couldn't stay there or Seishiro would die again and _'it'_ was looking at him from the mirror and _'it'_ had lost Seishiro-san's eye and it was all _'its'_ fault and he hated _'it'_ and the world was spinning and Subaru was so sorry, so very sorry and... and... and Seishiro stopped him, resting his finger on Subaru's lips and assured him again that everything was okay and he had no reason to worry about it because really, Seishiro wasn't angry, not even a little. Then, as he resumed cuddling Subaru he tried to make sense of the boy's explanation.

He assumed Subaru had had a bad dream about him dying again, had panicked as usual and left. Seishiro had noticed Subaru's hate for mirrors and how the boy always avoided looking at them so it wasn't really surprising Subaru had ended up shattering one while he was so distressed. It made sense but somehow Subaru felt the need to continue apologizing for it.

Seishiro tried not to sigh as he explained again that he didn't care about the mirror, actually he had never cared much for it at all and that he didn't mind at all if Subaru had caused him to wake up in the middle of the night, actually it wasn't even Subaru's fault if he'd woken up and no, he didn't care about the blood on the covers since they needed to be washed anyway and could Subaru please stop apologising? He ended up asking when he really couldn't bear that situation any longer. Subaru obeyed but the action only caused him to remain silent and miserable which wasn't what Seishiro wanted.

"It's okay," he assured him. "Really, it's okay. Though you don't really look well, Subaru. You're not coming down with a cold, are you?" he asked in a joking tone, though he knew part of Subaru's hysteric behaviour was probably caused by the boy suffering from sleep deprivation. Subaru shook his head at Seishiro's question but, after some more careful prodding, Seishiro managed to have the boy admit he had felt a little sick before, though Subaru hurried to assure him he was fine now. Mostly. Sort of.

Subaru didn't sound convincing at all and looked anything but fine but Seishiro decided it would do no good to start a discussion so he just offered to get him something hot to drink as he tried to persuade him to get under the covers. Subaru clung to his arm desperately, insisting he really was fine and that he needed nothing and could Seishiro-san please, please, not leave? In the end Seishiro agreed which seemed to calm Subaru who finally let himself be put to bed but as soon as Seishiro slid under the covers next to him the boy curled himself on his side, as far from him as possible and turned his back to him. Seishiro didn't particularly like that. Even when they'd started living together Subaru hadn't kept himself that distant but from the moment he got back home from the hospital Subaru had made a point of staying as far as possible from him when they were in the same bed together.

"Are you angry at me, Subaru?" he asked in a tired tone and the boy shook his head energetically, without turning. "So what's the problem?"

"You don't have to be nice to me," the boy whispered. Seishiro wrapped his arm around him and pulled him close, a bit forcefully, until Subaru was resting against his chest, then he raised himself as much as he needed to be over him without resting on him, leaning his weight on his forearm.

"Why is that?" he asked in a calm tone, making sure not to sound angry or annoyed, but firmly decided in facing that topic. He had tried to give Subaru time but he was beginning to think that there were things they had to discuss and the longer they waited the worse it would be. Subaru didn't reply, just curled up more on himself. He was cute, really, which made it harder not to give in and let him have his own way. He couldn't avoid smiling and caressing his hair though. "Subaru, have you considered that, maybe, no one is forcing me and I want to be nice to you?" he asked in a gentler manner.

"Why should you?" the boy asked in an almost fearful tone as if expecting some horrible reason lurking behind Seishiro's kindness.

"Subaru, do you love me?" Seishiro asked instead of replying. Subaru nodded firmly.

"That's why," he replied smiling and tapped Subaru's nose but it didn't seem like Subaru understood and this made Seishiro wonder. "Ne, Subaru, don't you remember me being gentle with you before you awoke in the hospital?" The boy hesitated a moment before answering with a tiny nod, his mouth setting into a tight line as he curled up even more which, Seishiro knew, wasn't a good sign. He bent a little more over him so as to be even closer and caressed his cheek gently. "Why do I have the feeling you think me being gentle with you was a bad thing?"

"I..." Subaru began, wetting his lips and looking like he was making an effort to force the words out, his voice barely a whisper. "You said... I..." he tried again, then babbled a string of sentences that Seishiro completely missed, no matter how much he strained to hear them. Finally Subaru continued in a somewhat more understandable manner. "... Was fake. You... you had to do it because of the bet... the bet ended... you said... you don't care... anymore... I... glass cup... you said I'm like a glass cup... you don't care... shatter..." The rest became incomprehensible as Subaru began biting his lower lip in an effort not to start crying again, his shoulders shaking.

"It's all right. Subaru, it's all right, of course I care about you, it's all right," Seishiro assured him as he turned him around, pulled him into his arms and hugged him tightly. Subaru clung back to him, even tighter, trying hard not to start crying again, without much success. He buried his face against Seishiro-san's chest in a pitiful attempt to at least suppress his sobs. He couldn't, really. He had been keeping too many things bottled up inside himself for far too long and he was too scared and worn out to manage to suppress his pain any further. He felt Seishiro-san caressing his hair gently as he held him close and somehow this made it harder to control himself. He cried, he had no idea for how long, he cried until he was completely worn out and had no more tears to shed and could only lie there, in Seishiro-san's arms, letting himself be cuddled and feeling oddly a little better as if crying so much had helped somehow.

"Better?" the man asked him.

"I... I'm sorry, I..." he began to apologize when he felt one of Seishiro-san's fingers on his lips.

"It's all right, Subaru, it's all right," the man assured him, still cuddling him. "You did nothing wrong, Subaru, it's just that your memories are all messed up. Maybe I shouldn't have let this slide for so long but now I'll explain everything to you so you've nothing to worry about," he promised. Subaru merely snuggled closer without attempting to look up at him. Seishiro felt like sighing. Subaru acted as if he couldn't believe a simple explanation would fix things. Seishiro had understood little of what Subaru had tried to explain but according to the little he got from his tale Subaru believed he had been used and betrayed and who would trust someone who had used and betrayed him? Who? Who would love someone who had used and betrayed him? Who?

"Ne, Subaru... you do love me, don't you?" he asked again though he wasn't exactly sure why. Subaru nodded without hesitation, even though he avoided looking at him, as he had used to do when he was younger, his face still hidden against Seishiro's chest. Seishiro smiled and kissed the top of his head. "That's good," he commented. "Now don't worry and just listen me, okay?" he asked and Subaru nodded a second time. "Good boy. Now let's explain the important details a little better. For starters... your memory isn't completely wrong. We made a bet when we first met," he began explaining and felt Subaru tense immediately at that. "Calm down, it was really innocuous enough. Kind of. You see, I've no idea how but, back then, you managed to get into my Maboroshi while I was... finishing a job. You remember what I do for a living, don't you? My family's job." Subaru nodded again, his hold around him tightening before whispering Seishiro's title with a small voice. Seishiro smiled and stroked his hair commenting _'Good boy'_. He knew Subaru had never coped well with Seishiro's job and, evidently, his messed up memories didn't change this but, at least, he remembered it and Seishiro wouldn't have to go through the pain of explaining that to him.

"Well, to make a long story short back then you told me it was wrong to kill people because someone else would be sad. I told you that this wasn't true for everyone. For people who are alone, who are mean, for those who have no one to feel sad at their demise. You, as the stubborn yet adorable child you were, insisted even these kind of people had someone. I said no one would care if I were to die. Some would even consider it a blessing but you replied you wouldn't. You said you cared for me - no matter that we had just met, who I was and what I had just done - and that you would be sad if I were to die. I... I didn't believe you, to be honest. I thought you said that because you were scared, because you were hoping this would allow you to escape from me so I said I would bet you couldn't care for me despite your words. That, once out of my Maboroshi or after some time, you would change your mind." Seishiro smiled down at him, a rather fond smile. "You... you were really a **__very__** stubborn child back then and so... so I let you go just with the promise you would never talk of what you had seen in my Maboroshi. I was curious to see if you were really able to do something like caring for the Sakurazukamori." Seishiro paused and stared at him. "You were. You were the only one able to do so without asking for anything in return. It was nice. Very," he commented and for a moment his gaze was lost far away in the past. "So very nice I decided I wanted to keep you for me, just for me. I still want it. I will never let you leave me, Subaru," he stated. "**__Never__**," he repeated in his most definitive and final tone, arms clenching tightly around Subaru.

"I don't want to leave," Subaru replied simply, looking at him in confusion. Seishiro-san's story didn't awake any recollection in him, though it was a lot nicer than what he remembered but the thing that confused him the most was how Seishiro-san seemed to imply Subaru might wish to leave him when Subaru **__knew__** he would go insane without him around.

"Then everything is fine, isn't it? I'll keep you and you'll stay with me," Seishiro-san replied, smiling at him. He sounded pleased. Subaru, however, didn't share his optimism but didn't dare to express this out loud. It wouldn't do for him to ruin Seishiro-san's good mood.

"As for the glass cup thing that upset you so," Seishiro-san began and Subaru tensed at that, lowering his gaze. He really, **__really__** didn't need to hear Seishiro-san telling him that again. "You're not a glass cup, Subaru. Other people are like glass cups to me. You are not," Seishiro assured him. "You're my only exception. Really, I've no idea how you could come up with this silly thought that you're like the others to me. You're something completely different." Subaru raised his eyes and stared at him at that, trying to absorb it all and give it a sense, then blinked, confused.

"If I'm not like a glass cup... then what I am to you?" he asked quietly. He knew he might not like the answer but... he needed to know.

"You're Subaru," was the firm reply. Not that it made much sense though, unless Seishiro-san meant...

"The car?" he said hesitantly, not really seeing an improvement between being a glass cup or a car. Unless he was talking about how a car was much more expensive and required to be fuelled and be well taken care of and... and Seishiro-san laughed, confusing him further.

"No, silly," the man corrected him, still chuckling a bit. "You're not the car, you're you. There's no one else like Subaru therefore Subaru is Subaru. He can't be defined with any other word but Subaru. And Subaru is all mine," he finished. Subaru just stared at him. Seishiro-san seemed to believe what he said but Seishiro-san had deceived him other times. Only those other times hadn't happened here so maybe it was all in his mind but... "You're you and you're all mine, Subaru. Stop worrying about something that never happened. Think of it as if it was a long, bad dream. Now you're awake and you've no reason to worry about it," Seishiro-san told him, holding him close.

"Why can't I remember any of what you say?" the boy asked in the end, snuggling closer. "Why is everything I can remember bad?"

"Is it all bad?" Seishiro asked, stroking his hair and wishing Subaru would talk about it more and worry about it less. It would make things much simpler.

"Mostly," Subaru answered simply, without elaborating further, just curling more against Seishiro as if to search for protection. Seishiro wished he could prod him further but maybe it was better if he didn't stress him any further at the moment. Subaru already looked tired enough and if Seishiro wanted him to manage to sleep through the night maybe it was better if Subaru were to focus on what Seishiro had told him instead of on what he believed had happened.

"Okay, that's it. You know what? We'll fix this with me telling you everything that happened from the moment we first met," he decided. "So, even if you don't remember right now, you'll know the truth and you won't have any reason to be that worried anymore." Subaru blinked and turned to looked up at him hesitantly. It wasn't that he didn't want to know, it was more that he was scared to know. What if in this reality horrible things had also happened? "Don't look like that, Subaru, there's nothing to be scared of. I promise what I'll tell you won't be bad."

Subaru didn't reply, he just let himself be cuddled. As long as Seishiro-san wasn't asking him more than letting himself be embraced and didn't try to lean on him, he could relax in his hold. Seishiro liked it, he liked when Subaru let himself be spoiled a bit and seemed to appreciate and need Seishiro's presence. He really didn't understand why the boy felt the need to keep distant most of the time but maybe Subaru still hadn't figured out Seishiro didn't want him to keep his distance. Subaru had always been perfectly capable to be completely oblivious to the most obvious things.

"Subaru... would you do something for me that would make me really happy?" he asked then.

"If I can... yes... of course, Seishiro-san, I..." Subaru replied, stammering a bit, evidently nervous because he looked like he had no idea what Seishiro was going to ask but stubbornly willing to try to please him anyway. It was rather sweet and it probably required a certain effort from him, considering how messed up he was.

"Don't sleep far from me, Subaru," he requested. "Ever again. I won't do anything that might bother you but there's no point in you sleeping on the edge of the bed or, even worse, leaving it after you had a bad dream. Or is my presence bothering you so?"

"It's not that..." Subaru said hesitantly, lowering his gaze. "It's just..."

"It's just?" he prodded gently.

"I'm not... sure I won't bother you..." he tried to explain anxiously. "I mean... I'm not used to it and I don't want to make you uncomfortable or invade your space and I don't want to cause you to wake up just because I'm awake and you... you sleep all over me and I..."

"Am I too heavy?" Seishiro asked, interrupting him. Subaru shook his head although he didn't look up at him.

"You... you died leaning over me and I..." Before Subaru could have the chance to panic again Seishiro-san shifted his hold around him, moving Subaru as well. Subaru found himself with his head on Seishiro-san's arm as the man's other arm was around his shoulders instead of around his waist and was holding him close to Seishiro-san so that he was the one leaning on the man.

"Better now?" the man asked.

"I... am I not making you uncomfortable? I mean, I'm heavy and..."

"Silly, I'm perfectly comfortable like this. We used to sleep like this before you got all shy on me and began to keep me at distance," Seishiro explained, tapping Subaru's nose.

"I didn't mean..."

"I know. I know you're not fully recovered yet and you don't remember at all how things were before. But Subaru, really, I thought I'd made it pretty obvious I wanted you to stay close to me and that I don't mind if you wake me up because you had a bad dream. Actually, I prefer it. I worry when I can't find you here, Subaru, and if you wake me up instead of leaving, you spare me from getting up as well to search for you. So, in short, if you really want to make me happy, let's sleep like this from now on and feel free to wake me up every time you've got a nightmare, okay?" Seishiro told him, stroking his hair gently. Subaru didn't reply at first, which was unpleasant then he simply curled next to him, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Seishiro's waist, hiding against him.

"Okay," he whispered quietly and felt Seishiro-san adjust his hold around him a bit so that he could keep Subaru even closer to himself.

"Good," the man commented, resting his cheek against Subaru's forehead. Subaru sighed in relief. This was better, definitely better. He tentatively snuggled even closer and was about to ask if it was okay for him to stay like that when Seishiro-san nuzzled against him, mumbling a _'much better'_. He closed his eyes and thought it felt so very, very good to be like that, as if that was exactly his place, the way he was supposed to sleep, the way he usually slept. He had not much time to ponder on it though, because as he slowly relaxed he unconsciously also slipped back to a quiet sleep. A quiet sleep from which he didn't wake until it was late in the morning and that, for once, wasn't disturbed by nightmares. A quiet sleep that seemed to imply Subaru was finally back home.

_**To be continued...**_

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**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
This chapter underwent quite a lot of changes and was expanded quite a bit from its demo version (it's nearly double in size) but now I hope it's a bit better. Anyway... here you could see Subaru's point of view about how his life is going and you also get a quick look at how things went in this life and a little improvement in his relationship with Seishiro. Also now you know Seishiro is the way he is due to _'prolonged exposition to Subaru'_. You'll see later what _'prolonged exposition to Hokuto'_ turned Kakyou into...

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Kamaitachi:** "Sickle Ermine". Cut caused by whirlwind  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature

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**Replies to reviews:**

To **Black Velvet Nerd**: Well, slowly everything will be revealed, included how things went here. Of course, since some facts were different it caused people to do different choices and therefore destiny changed slightly. Poor Fuma was unlucky though. LOL. It'll take time to find out what Seishiro knows...

To **Behan**: LOL, well, it's a mystery, it's supposed to mess with heads! First things first. Seishiro's name can be translitterated as Seishiro or Seishirou. The fandom chose Seishirou but CLAMP chose Seishiro the few times they had to translitterate it so I went with CLAMP's choice. So sorry but it's not a hint, merely a choice in translitteration. Well, Seishiro's situation isn't easy. Subaru's basically dangling of the edge of severe depression and insanity and his messed up memories don't help. One of the few things Seishiro knows well is he doesn't want to lose Subaru so he's doing everything he can to keep him. Subaru's situation is rather sad and nobody can understand him because nobody know what he went though and he doesn't know, doesn't dare to explain it. Subaru isn't really sure about why Seishiro did what he did. We know/saw the whole story but he's missing details and he's not sure he can trust Seishiro or his own conclusions about the man so, if you ask Subaru, he has no idea why Seishiro did what he did. He really don't understand and this too hurts him. He can't understand why the person he loves the most died, though he trust him about this being also due to Hokuto's spell, which doesn't really make things better for him. The funny thing about Kamui is that he thinks Subaru right now has no idea Seishiro might be a bastard... when Subaru had tried it first hand and knows it very well. More about Seishiro and Subaru's past will come soon

To **Dark Angel Of Fire Ice**: Well, this is a parallel universe so some things are the same while some are pretty different. You'll learn more about it soon! Subaru's feelings toward Hokuto are complicate. He feels guilty for her death but, at the same time, hates what she forced him to do, how she forced him to kill Seishiro. Being turned into the killer of the person he loved was, to him worse that if Hokuto had killed Seishiro herself. It didn't help his wish was different and that Seishiro's death and following actions left him with the doubt maybe Seishiro might have felt something for him. Subaru doesn't want to be angry with his sister but, at the same time, he hates what she had forced him to do and can't even trust her anymore and, right then, he really needs a person he can trust in so, when Hokuto tries to act as if she knew better he really feels like screaming that no, she doesn't.

To **Niwaki**: I'll do it!

To **Billy**: Well, the prank calls are meant to be creepy. They're not being done by someone with good intentions. Kamui cares for Subaru very much but at the same time, dislikes Seishiro a lot. He has his own reasons that will be explained. Kamui is, of course, giving his own version of what had happened in the past, the same way as everyone else is doing, be it Hokuto, Kakyou or Seishiro. How close this is to the truth... well, that's up to the reader to guess! Seishiro too of course is and was acting and talking according to his own perception of what happened in the past and of what's happening in the present and, since deep down he's not really a nice guy, his actions weren't and aren't always encomiable.

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


	11. Chap 10: 10th Level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 10: 10th Level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

Actually Seishiro didn't exactly keep his word. Subaru spent most of the day after asleep, since Seishiro knew he had to catch up on his sleep before they could start talking. He even went so far as to bring him breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed. Subaru, who was so tired he was reduced to the level of a nervous wreck with a pounding headache and over-sensitivity to everything that made him want to cry because of the silliest things, did as he wanted without any discussion and didn't even try to get up from bed. After all, if he were to be honest, he had never believed Seishiro-san would explain anything to him. In addition he wasn't sure he wanted to know or that he could bear the truth. Besides, he really lacked the strength or even willpower to discuss things and since Seishiro-san, despite not really explaining anything, remained with him nearly all the time, holding him in the same reassuring way he had the night before or sitting next to him, stroking his hair, mercifully made it easier for him to get some quiet sleep.

It was only two days later, after making sure Subaru had gotten plenty of rest, his headache was gone and he wasn't about to fall into hysteric crying anymore that, after they had lunch, Seishiro decided to keep his word and tell Subaru _**_everything_**_ about their past life together, in the hope this would reassure him and make things easier. Well... actually Seishiro's version of _'everything'_ included only the things he wanted Subaru to know. He was sure it wouldn't hurt anyone if he were to skip some details... and if it did... well, as long as the ones hurt weren't Subaru or himself he was fine with it. So he persuaded Subaru to sit on the couch, then, to Subaru's surprise, got the photo album Subaru had been eyeing for days and encouraged him to look at it. Subaru first stared at the photo album, then at him, blinking in confusion but Seishiro merely smiled and sat down on the couch as well, wrapping his arm around Subaru's shoulders and pulling him closer to himself.

"Let's look at it together," he suggested when Subaru still seemed hesitant to open the album. "Visual aid will make it easier to explain things after you've gotten an idea of how they were, and to help you to remember them. And I promise, there will not be bad things included."

"You promise?" Subaru asked in a small voice.

"I swear it," Seishiro assured. "I promised you already, didn't I? That I would explain things to you and that there was nothing to be scared about it because nothing would be bad."

"You did," Subaru agreed, though he didn't look at him and didn't sound reassured at all. Seishiro hugged him even tighter.

"It'll be all right, I promise," he repeated and felt Subaru leaning a bit against him like a puppy asking for protection before opening the album warily, as if afraid it could bite him. Cute, Seishiro thought as he kissed the top of the boy's head, as he had done from when Subaru was a child and they had just met.

Subaru said nothing as he went through the pictures hesitantly, honestly attempting to remember. The pictures started from when he was around nine. There were few about him at that age but their number increased considerably the more time progressed. He was with Seishiro-san in each of them. Sometimes there was Hokuto-chan also or someone else like Kuzuki-san or Kamui or one of the Ten no Ryu or Chi no Ryu but mostly it was just him and Seishiro-san. Seishiro-san was always grinning in them and he too, he too was always smiling, smiling like he didn't have a care in the world, his expression one of blissful happiness he couldn't remember having ever felt in his whole life. Not even in the photos that Hokuto-chan had shown him had he been that happy and that was saying a lot. However, sadly none of the scenes depicted in the photos was familiar to him, not even the ones which took place when he should have been sixteen or seventeen, the time in which he believed he had spent a year with Seishiro-san.

"He's not me," he finally said in a frustrated tone, unable to believe he could have been so happy and have forgotten about it. No, that smiling boy wasn't him. He couldn't be. It simply shouldn't be possible to forget he'd been so happy. He felt Seishiro-san dragging him closer to himself, hugging him tightly, almost protectively. He let him, though he felt unable to return the hug. It was all so horribly wrong. He wasn't the smiling boy from the pictures and if he wasn't, then he wasn't even the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted and, if that was true, then...

"Sure he's you. Don't you remember any of it?" he asked gently. Subaru shook his head, his body trembling slightly. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. He looked at the image of that smiling clone of himself and all he could think was it wasn't fair. Why weren't he and that boy the same person even though they looked exactly the same? Why?

"Subaru..." Seishiro-san called him and he shuddered. If he wasn't that boy then Seishiro-san had no reason to keep him, had he? "Subaru, what do _**_you_**_ remember that's so different from what I showed you?" Seishiro-san asked him then and he immediately tensed and retreaded into silence, turning his gaze away from the pictures. "Subaru... I can't help if I don't know," Seishiro-san prodded gently.

"You can't help. It's just... I'm not him..." Subaru admitted because he simply couldn't lie to Seishiro-san. Maybe he could keep things from him but lying... it was out of his league. "I'm someone else and... and..." A finger was pressed against his lips, silencing him.

"You're him," Seishiro-san assured stroking his hair soothingly. "I know you are. Stop saying you're not. What you remember... it's like a fever-induced hallucination, Subaru. It seems real but it's not. Now you only have to give yourself time and let me help you to remember, okay?" he asked but Subaru kept silent. "Subaru... please, let me help. What do you remember that is so horrible? What makes you feel so bad?" Subaru swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't really want to remember that, he... "It'll be like when you were a kid and had a bad nightmare. You'll tell me and it won't be scary anymore, I promise."

"I... I don't remember this either..." he confessed, his voice trembling slightly. He was feeling better than two days ago but he was nowhere near well yet.

"With time you will, Subaru. Now, let me help you. Tell me what's upsetting you so much. What do you remember that's so scary? Tell me, Subaru, I promise it'll make you feel better..." Seishiro-san insisted and Subaru sighed. Maybe... maybe giving him a little summary... maybe it wouldn't hurt. Maybe.

"I... I remember... meeting you under a Sakura when I was nine," he said slowly. He avoided mentioning the bet. They had already talked about it the previous night anyway and he really didn't want to talk about it ever again. Seishiro-san nodded encouragingly. "I... I remember... meeting you again at Ikebukuro Train Station when I was sixteen. You..." he hesitated, not too sure how to put in words that wonderful year that had only been filled with lies. "You stayed around only for a year, then you said I'd lost the bet and..." _'broke my heart, my arm, killed Hokuto-chan, got yourself cursed and left,'_ but he didn't want, he couldn't say that out loud to Seishiro-san. He just couldn't. So he skipped it, his body shuddering briefly as he tried to push away those horrible memories. "Then we ran across each other again in 1999. Two times. The last time you... you..." Subaru's body started trembling violently again as he remembered what had happened the last time he saw Seishiro-san. The bridge, the blood, Seishiro-san sagging against him and... and... Seishiro-san moved the photo album away from Subaru's lap and dragged Subaru into his arms, holding him close. Subaru snuggled against him, clung to him, burying his face against Seishiro-san's shirt. Like that... it was marginally better somehow, a bit more reassuring. "The rest... is hazy," he whimpered, not mentioning how he had got Seishiro-san's eye and became the new Sakurazukamori. "And on the final day Kamui... the Chi no Ryu's Kamui killed me... and then I woke up here and you were there and... and..."

"I know the rest, don't worry," Seishiro assured him. Subaru had never been a talker but really, he had hoped the boy would explain things in a somewhat more detailed way. Oh well, it was a start. He could work out something from it and maybe this would encourage Subaru to open up further.

"So, let's get things cleared up. We really met when you were nine, Subaru. I explained to you last night what happened. You still remember what I said, don't you?" he asked and Subaru nodded. He remembered what Seishiro-san said but he couldn't remember it happening. However Seishiro-san was caressing his hair and rubbing his back as he spoke and that helped quite a bit. It made him feel better, it made him feel loved and safe... as if he could really be the Subaru Seishiro-san wanted...

"Anyway... we met another few times while you were staying in Tokyo, even if I've got to admit I was mostly checking up if my adorably cute Subaru was keeping his word," Seishiro continued, tapping Subaru's nose. "I think I snatched you away and dragged you to the amusement park or to whatever other places we could have fun and sweets every time your grandmother turned her eyes away from you for a second. I fear she wasn't very pleased whenever she found you were missing," he admitted. In fact he had the sneaky suspicion she had been quite angry at Subaru every time but Subaru had never complained when Seishiro showed up to drag him away and, if he had been punished for it, he had always kept it to himself, refusing to share it with Seishiro. At the time Seishiro hadn't given it much thought. At the time he hadn't really cared about that weird child who was always willing to play with him, even when he was exhausted, and that always told him he cared for him, no matter what Seishiro did. On the contrary, Subaru always seemed anxious to get away with him, he always threw himself into his arms when he came to retrieve him, looking so very happy when Seishiro picked him up in his arms and looking so very sad when they had to part that, more often than not, Seishiro had unconsciously ended up spending more time with him than he had planned, just to not see him making that adorable sad puppy expression.

It was years later that Seishiro discovered that no one before him had thought of taking Subaru someplace fun, that all the grown-ups around Subaru were too busy focusing on his potential as Onmyouji to realize he was also a child who needed to play and to be spoiled here and there. Back then Seishiro hadn't realized the effect of his actions on Subaru. Seishiro had been a very self-centred teenager who hadn't worried about Subaru's wishes and tastes at all while he was dragging him around to places he wanted to go to, never asking the child if he wanted to come or what he wanted to do. Yet, the fact he wanted Subaru to go with him, the fact he took him to places where he assumed they both would have fun, the fact he talked with him about normal things and allowed Subaru to reply, all this had made Subaru feel part of what they were doing, had made Subaru felt wanted, had made Subaru felt free when in his house all this had been denied to him, when he'd been always confined to the role of observer of the others' lives and executor of the others' orders, tied by heavy chains of duty and obedience he had been unable to break. Back then Seishiro had been interested only in his fun but coincidentally had given Subaru something precious for which Subaru had been very grateful. And somehow, slowly seeing Subaru smile at him and being happy had turned out to be much more pleasing than what he usually did and he had ended up going out of his way just to make Subaru smile.

"See?" he continued, retrieving the photo album and opening it on the first pages. "Those pictures were almost all taken while we were in amusement parks or other places where we could have fun." He saw Subaru eyeing them without commenting, an unhappy expression on his face. "Don't worry, I don't expect you to look at these pictures and magically remember everything immediately. Your memory will come back with time. For now just try to get familiar again with your past, okay?" Seishiro suggested, doing his best to sound reassuring. Subaru nodded though he didn't look convinced. Seishiro pretended not to notice. "Good," he commented. "Now..." he continued, turning the pages of the photo album. "Here. We saw each other a lot less when you returned to Kyoto," he went on, pointing to some pictures that showed a background that Subaru had immediately recognized as Kyoto. Hokuto-chan wasn't in them, just him and Seishiro-san. Only he didn't remember meeting Seishiro-san in Kyoto when he was a child...

"Don't start troubling yourself again, I said," Seishiro chided him gently, before stroking his hair soothingly. "Give it time. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, while you were in Kyoto at best we saw each other around once a year and also the times I came there for a school trip. You dragged me around, showing me the city," he remembered, smiling fondly. Actually Seishiro had been interested more in trying Kyoto's local dishes than in sightseeing. Subaru had been the one who had insisted he had to see this or that and Seishiro had humoured him. Subaru had showed him the best of Kyoto, included the places one wouldn't find in tourist guides and that were known only to Kyoto's residents but also... all his secret places, the places Subaru liked the most and that he wanted to share with Seishiro. Seishiro had liked it. He'd liked the way Subaru wanted to share secrets with him, the enthusiasm he put in showing him around, the way the boy smiled when Seishiro seemed pleased with what he showed him, how he looked delighted to see him and sad when they had to part... oh, he had liked it a lot. Those were all among Seishiro's best memories and it was really unfair Subaru had forgotten it all.

"When you were sixteen you came to Tokyo and, yes, we bumped into one another at Ikebukuro Station. Actually you were trying to go to Shinjuku and had lost your way. It was the first day you were back in the city and it was kind of comprehensible even if you've been always horrible with directions," he added grinning slightly, while stroking Subaru's hair. "We were kind of neighbours for a while since we both resided in Kabuki-cho, not too far from each other. I think I met Hokuto-chan not much later, while she was trying to drag you to one of her friends' parties. You didn't want to go. At all. You had mentioned her many times but it was the first time I saw her. She made quite an impression," he commented. Subaru didn't dare to ask what exactly Hokuto-chan did, sure it was embarrassing. Seishiro spared him with the tale of Hokuto-chan scrutinizing him up and down when he declared she couldn't have Subaru for the day because the boy had promised to spend it with him (a lie he made up right then in order not to let Subaru go meeting other people), then starting to give him the third degree causing Subaru to get angry for the first time since he'd known the boy. It had been quite a surprise to see his normally cute and submissive Subaru put down his foot and flatly refuse to do what his sister asked him to do, reproaching her for her manners or lack thereof. From Hokuto-chan's startled reaction it seemed it was the first time she had seen her brother angry as well. In the end Subaru spent the day with him even if, back then, Seishiro had no idea why he hadn't wanted to let the boy spend it with other people. He hadn't done it to help Subaru out, that was for sure. He had just wanted to keep him for himself and it had seemed like Subaru too had wanted to be kept. From that day his relationship with Hokuto-chan had always been difficult, a mix of teasing and fighting over who of them owned Subaru more.

"When you were seventeen your grandmother wanted you to take part in an Omiai. You didn't want to. I told you to dump the old hag and come live with me. You said yes. We've been living together since then even if at the beginning we resided in Shinjuku."

Subaru's eyes widened at the idea. To flatly tell his grandmother he refused to marry the woman she had chosen for him and that he was going to live with another man who incidentally was a Sakurazuka... He didn't want to picture her reaction. He wondered if he would have been able to do so for a second. Then, as the surprise of having dared to say something like that worn out another thought struck him. Seishiro-san asking him to live with him. Seishiro-san wanting to live with him. Since he was 17. Sure, Seishiro-san had said they began to live together because he had asked and Subaru had said yes but... but he had thought there should be some sort of practical reason, a rational, almost professional reason and that it hadn't happened so far in the past. It seemed horribly ironic though that the time around which Seishiro-san had asked him to live together in his memory was instead the one when Seishiro-san had abandoned him.

"Didn't it bother you?" he asked quietly, his voice muffled as he buried his face against Seishiro-san and tried not to think of what Seishiro-san had told him that horrible day. "Didn't it bother you? To live with me, I mean. You had your house and your work... I was just a teenager with an unpleasant job and I'm a disaster at domestic work and..." ... and it simply didn't make sense for him that Seishiro-san might have wanted to live with him. It just... Seishiro-san kissed the top of his head, interrupting that course of thoughts.

"You haven't changed at all, you know?" the man asked with a fond smile. "Anyway, actually, before saying _'yes'_ you asked if it wouldn't bother me. I told you since I was the one who was asking you that, it should be a clear hint it didn't... as for the job, mine is worse and I told you to quit yours if you thought it could be trouble and to go on with the veterinary studies," Seishiro-san reported. "So, as you can see, there was no reason for you to worry about it or say _'no'_," he added with a mischievous grin. Subaru looked at him even more confused.

"You're joking. You couldn't have suggested I quit. Obaachan would have killed me had I quit being an Onmyouji without having a better Onmyouji to replace me, especially if my reason for doing it was to move in with you. Not to mention she wouldn't have given me a single yen should I leave the Sumeragi Ichimon. With what was I supposed to pay the school? Scholarship doesn't cover everything and they don't give it to you if your family is rich, no matter if they refuse to pay for you," Subaru pointed out, not really seeing how Seishiro-san could talk as if it all had been that simple.

"You said that too. I told you I had more than enough money to pay for it and..."

"But it wouldn't have been fair! It was your money!" Subaru exclaimed instinctively. Seishiro-san sighed though he kept looking at Subaru with a fond expression.

"I feel like we're having a re-edition of that argument. Yes, you said that at that time too and that was why you continued working, though you agreed to move over with me. I would have preferred for you to quit," he added bending to kiss Subaru's forehead. "Really, I wouldn't have minded at all to pay for your scholarship and everything." Subaru lowered his eyes and wished he could remember all that. Sadly, all he could remember instead was quite different and made it rather hard to believe Seishiro-san's words. They... simply made no sense to him.

"Why did you ask me? I mean... you didn't have to, it was my problem and..." he said, his voice trembling slightly. He would have loved to live with Seishiro-san, actually he loved to live with Seishiro-san but he would have never dared to impose his presence on him as a teenager and even now, despite Seishiro-san's words, he still felt wary to move in the house, as if he were an intruder.

"I asked because I wanted to keep you for myself. I didn't want to share you. When Hokuto-chan says and I quote that I'm a _'possessive, jealous, egocentric brat who never learnt how to share in kindergarten'_ she's right, you know," he explained and smiled down at Subaru. "Except for the brat part. Maybe," he corrected himself. "Anyway you said you loved me the most and I didn't see why I should share you with some woman your grandmother would attempt to pair you up with. This way you've been all mine and I got a lot more time with you. Really, asking you to move in was the best idea I ever had," Seishiro-san concluded, grinning. Subaru didn't ask what his grandmother said about it. He didn't want to know and, if he had to be honest, wasn't really interested in her opinion anyway. He wouldn't have minded being disowned if he could have the chance to live with Seishiro-san.

"Anyway, back to the happy history of our lives... we moved here in 1999 when Satsuki-chan had the bright idea to destroy Shinjuku. She could have kept the place for last but... well she can be a jerk when she wants to," he explained with a shrug. "What else is there to say... Oh yes, you yelled at me a lot when I tried to fight the Ten no Ryu's Kamui prior to this, asking me if I had some death wish you weren't aware of. I guess I gave you quite a scare, though I'm perfectly able to take care of myself," he assured him, though he stroked Subaru's hair fondly. "Also... I know you fished out the Ten no Ryu's Kamui back when he went within. Hum... I think I caused Shibuya to crumble but I didn't really mean to, I was just doing a job there and it was Kamui who used the result of it to mess with Shibuya's Kekkai. You and I had a little argument when you tried to save the Ten no Ryu's Kamui from him on Sunshine 60 and, in the end, I had to save _**_you_**_ from the Chi no Ryu's Kamui but really, fighting Kamui to save that brat was really stupid of you, Subaru," Seishiro pointed out blatantly ignoring the fact he too had fought a Kamui and for much less noble reasons. "Then we didn't do much else except playing matchmaker for Hokuto and Kakyou. We were there when the Chi no Ryu's Kamui died. Afterward you felt the need to cheer the other Kamui up. Why is beyond me, though. The rest of the time had been quiet until one day you went to exorcise a ghost and somehow managed to let it hurt you to the point you ended up hospitalized and, when you woke up, I discovered your memory was all messed up," he said and he cuddled Subaru, holding him a little tighter. "It's okay though because I won't leave you and you still love me and everything is going to go well. Is everything clear now or is there more you want to know?" Seishiro asked then, fully aware he had skipped a lot of things but firmly telling himself they weren't important so Subaru didn't need to know them.

Subaru had the feeling something was missing, that Seishiro-san's tale was anything but complete but he was already overloaded with all the information Seishiro-san had given him and so he didn't try to question the man further and let it slide.

"I think so though... I don't remember any of it..." he admitted.

"It's okay. Didn't I already tell you to give yourself some time?" Seishiro-san reminded him. "I'm here, Subaru. I'll always be right next to you so, if you need me to explain anything all you have to do is to ask for it. Stop worrying, just relax and get used to your life again and then you'll see the past will come back to you as well, okay?"

Subaru hesitated a moment before nodding. Even though he desperately tried to remember what Seishiro-san told him he really couldn't but... but it was a nice past that Seishiro-san had talked about, one Subaru would have loved to have and, even if all Seishiro-san said could have been merely another of the man's lies, Subaru wanted to believe it to be real. He nuzzled closer to Seishiro-san and remained there, allowing himself to be cuddled as long as the man wanted to cuddle him, wishing he could simply... believe and that believing in it, would have been enough to make it true.

That same night the phone calls started again.

_**To be continued...**_

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**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
I'll be honest, this chapter didn't turn out as smooth as I wanted. Though you can get some basic info about Seishiro and Subaru's life prior to the incident I feel the whole talk is a bit too boring for my liking to the point I've been tempted to cut it all. Sadly it couldn't be skipped nor made more detailed or emotionally involving... you'll find out why later.  
By the way, in case you don't remember, in the CLAMP universe Subaru and Seishiro really met in Ikebukuro station when Subaru was back in Tokyo, though they didn't bump into each other. Subaru was there for a job and tripped under Seishiro's gaze. The part about 1999 is mostly unchanged instead. Seishiro did fight Kamui, Subaru did 'fish' him back when Kamui went within and also fought Fuma on Sunshine 60, it was Satsuki who destroyed Shinjuku and Seishiro cooperated to the destruction of Shibuya inadvertently (he killed someone there, staining one of the buildings with blood and this helped Fuma to cause the place to be destroyed).

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Ichimon:** "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"  
**Obaachan:** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Omiai:** "Love Seeing". Formal Marriage Interview  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyouji:** "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer  
**Sakura:** "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven

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**Replies to reviews:**

To **TheEndofTag**: Thank you. I'm glad you liked Subaru's pov. In the first chap it was said Subaru's wrist was bandaged but not which type of wound he had. The truth about that cut will be revealed in future chapters. Oh, yes, Seishiro's albums are AWESOME. I'd like to put my hands on them as well. LOL. The eye thing is Karma having his fun bugging Seishiro and yes, Seishiro with time has learnt to be very patient with Subaru... even when he finds it annoying. There are few things that make him snap so, as of now, he's managing fairly well.  
The bet's terms are basically that Subaru must keep caring for Seishiro. If Subaru stops he loses so technically the bet is still going on. However, with time, Seishiro grow fond of having Subaru care for him and began doing his share to have Subaru keep doing so. You can say he cheated in order to make Subaru win... however, Seishiro being Seishiro, the thing isn't as cute as it could seem first glance. Seishiro isn't exactly troubled by the idea of doing everything to get what he wants and with 'everything' aren't included only the nice things like taking care of Subaru when he's not well.  
The difference between this Seishiro and the other is mostly in their goals which brings them to act differently. It's not that this Seishiro can't kill Hokuto, is that he has no interest in doing so because it would bring him no gain. This Seishiro is, mostly, a Seishiro who's grown happy to have Subaru's affection and wants to keep things as they are. Of course if Hokuto were to try and steal Subaru from him he wouldn't hesitate a moment in getting rid of her... though he likely would make it look like an incident so that Subaru wouldn't be mad at him. Which is also why I say he's cheating with the bet because, technically, he shouldn't sugarcoat the pill but challenge Subaru to love him regardless of what he does. Problem is if Subaru were to lose, he would find himself without a Subaru that loves him so winning the bet wouldn't be worth it.  
If you were to tell Seishiro what the other Seishiro has done he would find it stupid, not because he's uncapable of doing it but because he sees no gain in it. He's a Seishiro who ended up being much happier than the other so he wouldn't want to switch places.

To **Zuzanny**: Although there will be up and down, now that they're trying to talk, they will slowly improve things. As for the other Subaru... the next chap will be a flashback regarding his life.

To **laustic**: You can say, as of now, Subaru's main fear is to lose Seishiro (and Hokuto) as he did before. He really can't forget how horrible it was to lose them.

To **Equin**: Yes, here Seishiro is alive and kicking... and sorry it took so long to update...

To **rion**: I can't reveal yet who's the mysterious phone caller, sorry...

To **Cim** & **Black Velvet Nerd**: Here there's more!

To **Guest**: I'm happy you like to see a nice Seishiro interacting with Subaru! It took him a lot of time to get to this point but now he's not so bad at handling Subaru, is he? ^_-  
Subaru's kindness had never stopped him from reproaching someone when he did a wrong thing, be it Kuniko Nagi or the boys bugging the dog of the blind man, or telling Hokuto he couldn't comply with his wishes (TB Vol. 3, when she wanted him to stay in bed and he said he had work to do). Now, Hokuto had done something that he judged horrible, she helped in making him kill the man he loved. If they could have an argument over it and be done he would probably be much more relaxed about it and get over it. However he can't. This Hokuto hadn't done it... however she had the potential to do it and it scares him. He dreams what had happened every night and he's not talking about it but keeping everything bottled inside. He's not well to say the least. As a result, although he loves Hokuto and he's happy she's still alive, he doesn't take well her behaviour. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about her anymore, just that he's under lot of stress and he doesn't want to go through what had happened to him a second time. In the future you'll see he'll also have times in which he'll find hard to deal with Seishiro as well, even through he very obviously loves him.  
About the Japanese words. When I began writing fics I had to decide if to use terms in Japanese or not. In the end I decided to use only the ones for titles, places and stuffs that are typical Japanese as I feel the English translation is often not having the exact same meaning as the original words. When I began writing though most of those terms were widely known among the fandom who also used Japanese sentences fairly often, often without adding a dictionary at the bottom. I added the dictionary because I know what it had meant for me being a newby in the fandom and having to deal with all those Japanese words although back in the past I had people telling me the dictionary was pointless. I hope this explain why I use certain Japanese terms.

To **stiffknees**: Seishiro didn't try to terrorize Subaru in this, but just to be himself. He views what he does as a work so, during the time, he dropped casual remarks about it the same way one would do with any normal job, which sometimes were really hard to deal with for Subaru. However Subaru too had been raised to think what Seishiro does is indeed a job done for the well being of Japan, one Subaru doesn't approve of to say the least, but not something Seishiro does out of fun or cruelty (see how Hokuto described the Sakurazukamori's role in TB Vol. 1). In addition to this little Subaru believes Seishiro got stuck with the job without a chance to back out as it happened to him and has a... very child vision on Seishiro's behaviour. Seishiro is 'odd' to him, because despite being older he hadn't learnt yet certain things and no one is teaching him them and poor, poor Seishiro is all alone with no one caring for him and so he's more tolerant and understanding than if he were older and capable to understand Seishiro could have figured up certain things were wrong on his own. Add to this Subaru feels very alone and Seishiro is, not only providing him company, but is searching his presence as if he apprecciated it. As Seishiro had fun dealing with him, with time he ended up making concessions as well, until they build up a relation that, more or less, worked as Seishiro ended up thinking that following certain rules was more rewarding than doing as he pleased (which is also why he can be patient in dealing with Subaru as of now), so it wasn't really hard for Subaru to built a strong affection for him despite everything. As for the Sakurazukamori Subaru... although he still cares for Kamui is not as kind as he was before. He left Kamui and Co without an explanation, remained watching when Karen and Aoki fight Fuma and stepped in to help Kamui only when Kamui was in a desperate situation.

To **sakurazukamori-ran**: I'm glad you like possessive Seishiro. The next chap is here!

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Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


	12. Chap 10 Bonus: Secret level

**Title: "Game Over or Continue - Chap 10 Bonus: Secret level"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness and a bit of sappiness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers...  
**Notes:** Based on the idea that there can't be a Heaven on Earth but that being with your loved one helps a lot...  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _Poor, mentally unstable Subaru is convinced he's finally been killed off on Judgement Day, when he wakes up again in a hospital and discovers things went radically different from how he remembers them... And when he starts getting used to this new reality weird things start to happen that make him wonder whether it's really him who's having distorted memories or if there's something behind all this..._

It was a sunny day but the weather was still rather chilly. He had gone to eat out that day. Lunch had been good and he was walking back towards his clinic without hurry since there was still time before he had to start afternoon visits. It was then he heard the timid voice he had become very familiar with in the previous years.

"Hokuto-chan, do I really have to come? They're your friends and I don't really..."

"Silliness, Subaru!" a shrill voice cut the hesitant complaint in a tone that didn't brook discussion. "Show some backbone for once and stop hiding behind your work or other silly excuses! You're in Tokyo now, not in the Sumeragi-Ke Hontaku! Who cares if they're my friends? You've got to start socializing with other teenagers, have dates, romances and so on! I won't allow you to stay at home all alone studying the papers they sent you about your next job when you can come with me and meet some interesting people you might fall in love with!"

"But Hokuto-chan..." the timid voice tried to protest and it was at that moment that two Subarus came into his view. His gaze moved automatically to the one he just **__knew__** was original one, who was being dragged by what looked like his clone. Yet he knew that _'look alike'_couldn't be Subaru, he knew it even if they were dressed almost the same and wore the same faces. It was just... that expression, that way of moving, that air didn't belong to Subaru. It was weird but he knew he would have recognized the original Subaru in a sea of clones without failing, he was sure of that.

"Subaru!" he called immediately as he moved toward the boy. Subaru, stilled, looked up at him and immediately smiled happily, greeting him affectionately. His clone instead studied him suspiciously before turning to Subaru requesting to know who Seishiro was in an almost rude manner.

"Hokuto-chan be nice... this is Sakurazuka Seishiro. He..." the boy trailed off, embarrassed, blushing cutely.

"I'm Subaru's friend from when he came to Tokyo the first time," Seishiro offered helpfully, amused by how easily Subaru blushed when he was involved. "And you must be the famous Hokuto-chan, Subaru's charming twin sister."

The famous Hokuto-chan laughed, apparently flattered by the compliment, and Seishiro smiled politely at her for a second before his gaze returned to Subaru, his smile automatically becoming much more heartfelt, especially when Subaru smiled back the way he only did to him.

Hokuto didn't miss the exchange. Hokuto never missed anything and especially she didn't miss how her brother was smiling at that man as if he was the best thing in Subaru's life or how Subaru, who usually was politeness personified, had called him just _'Seishiro'_, without honorific attached.

Neither had she missed how the man had immediately recognized Subaru despite the fact she had taken great pains in dressing them both almost the same way to surprise her friends. And then his focus was completely on her brother, ignoring her or everything else around them completely, his gaze almost possessive. No, scratch the _'almost'_, it was possessive, very much so, so possessive it frightened her. She didn't believe someone could look at someone else in such a way. And Subaru... Subaru who was smiling as if he saw nothing wrong with being on the receiving end of such gaze, as if he **__liked__**being on its receiving end... Subaru had never mentioned this man to her, had kept her in the dark about him when they were twins and there were supposed to be no secrets between them. Why? And besides Subaru was too shy to make friends on his own and in their childhood he had been even worse. How had this man managed to get so close to him?

"Well, it has been a pleasure to meet you but we're expected, aren't we, Subaru?" she asked to her brother in a firm tone as if challenging him to dare to try and discuss this.

"But Hokuto-chan..." Subaru said hesitantly to immediately trail off in defeat. She knew he would never dare to oppose to her will and she had no qualms in forcing him to do what she wanted. She was doing this only for his well-being. It really was time for him to start socializing. Obaachama had kept him out of the real world for too long, forcing him to focus only on ancient traditions, duty, jobs and spirits. Subaru needed to start having a social life, make real longlasting friendships and maybe find love. Being _'friends'_with a weird man didn't count as social life and Hokuto wasn't even sure it was a good thing.

"Actually Hokuto-chan, Subaru can't come with you," said man stated in a confident tone and she turned a challenging gaze toward him. She was Subaru's older sister. His well-being rested in her hands. She had taken care of him from when they were small children. She knew what was better for him. How did this stranger dare to tell her what Subaru could or couldn't do? From the corner of her eyes she saw her brother looking from her to the man anxiously, as a man in between opposite fires would do, as if he really didn't know which side he had to support, and that seemed even stranger to her. Subaru had always supported her in discussions, except when Obaachama was involved. In that case he would listen to them both carefully before trying to mediate between them.

"What makes you say so?" she asked, her hands going on her hips, her green eyes sparkling with the fire of challenge.

"Because Subaru has an appointment with me today," the man replied in the same confident yet careless tone as if he had already won the argument, a happy grin on his face. She caught sight of Subaru's eyes widening in surprise and turned the full force of her glare on him.

"Is that true, Subaru?" she asked, knowing that her brother couldn't and wouldn't lie to her. Subaru, however, didn't reply and just looked at her nervously and Hokuto stared at him almost in shock, wondering under which sort of spell that man had her brother. She knew Subaru wasn't really enthusiastic about coming with her but still it was impossible Subaru would lie to her or that he would wilfully let another person trick her so why, why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he say this man was lying, that he had made up an excuse? Why?

"Subaru, have you forgotten?" the man asked in a dismayed tone and Subaru looked at him with a mix of embarrassment and apology.

"I..." her brother attempted timidly, unable to finish the sentence and she just... stared. He simply wouldn't tell her that man was lying. Sumeragi Subaru, who couldn't lie to save his life, Sumeragi Subaru who was so honest, he would let this man get away with telling a lie! A lie he told to her!

She looked at the man with concern. A Sakurazuka. And with such a powerful hold on Subaru that he would choose to cover up for him an action he deemed wrong as lying. She didn't understand. All she could see in that man's gaze was the wish to possess her brother as if Subaru was an object for him to own. Her brother! An object to own! No, she wouldn't, she couldn't leave her innocent brother to this man.

"You can't date Subaru," she stated. "He needs to socialize with people **__his own__** age." Okay, so maybe it wasn't the best excuse she could have come up with but it was reasonable enough and really, she had never thought there would come a point when she would have to say there was someone her brother couldn't _'socialize'_with. Normally she was saying the exact opposite! He looked at her with an almost childishly hurt expression.

"Are you saying I'm too old?" he asked in what she could swear was fake dismay.

"Yes. And Subaru has never before mentioned knowing you and he always tells me everything," she replied honestly, almost in a warning tone, before firing a barrage of questions. "Besides why should you go out with my sixteen year old brother? What exactly do you want with with him? How old are you anyway? How did you manage to tell him apart from me? Do you know he's the Sumeragi no Toushou? What's your line of work? You're a Sakurazuka, aren't you related to the Sakurazukamori maybe? What do you..."

"Hokuto-chan, stop!" Subaru ordered her and she turned to look at him startled. The man did the same, surprise in his eyes too. Subaru had given her an order. It had been an order, not a request. Her overly shy brother who couldn't even order around the servants in his own house had given her an order. And he didn't sound pleased with her at all. "Hokuto-chan, you've got no right to ask Seishiro all these questions," her brother added and his voice was firm and yet raw, as if her questioning that man, her attempt to protect him, had hurt him instead of showing him how much she cared, how much she worried for him. "Hokuto-chan... I'll see you this evening when you return from your appointment with your friends," and, after saying so, her brother moved closer to the man, a clear hint he would go with him and not with her. It was then she knew she had lost Subaru to that man, lost him definitely, without even the chance to fight for him. Subaru had already decided between the two of them. To Subaru, this Sakurazuka Seishiro, was much more important than her, his twin sister, and she had no idea how the man had achieved such thing. She could only sense he was dangerous and she would kill him before allowing him to hurt her baby brother.

"Okay," she agreed meekly. "Have fun at your date, Subaru," she added in a forced cheerful tone. He looked at her sadly.

"I will. Hokuto-chan... I didn't mean to yell," he apologized and she felt her heart melt because he hadn't really yelled just talked to her firmly and still... he felt the need to apologize for it, he still worried such a small thing could hurt her feelings. Well, actually he had hurt her, but not because he had _'yelled'_but Subaru would never figure out how. Her sweet, kind Subaru... She smiled softly at him.

"Silly, don't worry and do not make your date wait for you. I'll see you tonight!" she added in what she wanted to be her usual enthusiastic tone. Subaru didn't reply, he just looked at her before leaving with that man, that man that, after saying goodbye to her, had the impudence to put his arm around Subaru's shoulders. And Subaru, her shy brother who was so timid he wasn't even capable of hugging her back, let him without complaining or trying to escape. He just... let him as if it was a natural gesture for him.

Hokuto stared at their retreating forms, then decided that she had only two options: get this Sakurazuka Seishiro to love Subaru as much as Subaru loved him or rip Subaru from that man as soon as possible before he ruined her brother completely.

Somehow she had the feeling they were both almost impossible tasks.

* * *

"Well, it hasn't been easy but we made it," Seishiro commented, smiling to himself. "However your sister is an... interesting person," he added. Subaru didn't seem to be pleased by his observation, his gaze saddening further.

"You shouldn't have lied to her," he pointed out quietly. "She only wanted to help me and she's a really nice person."

"Are you mad at me, Subaru?" he asked then in what he wanted to be a curious tone, although there was something wrong in it. He didn't like the idea of having Subaru mad at him over such a silly thing. It was... annoying. Sort of.

"No. But I wish you hadn't lied," the boy said honestly. He laughed. Subaru and his hopeless love for honesty... it was really too cute for words.

"But, Subaru, you didn't want to go!" he reminded him. "Besides I saw no reason for you to go with her to meet boring people when you could have fun with me," he pointed out and his voice sounded slightly... annoyed. Well, it was annoying, really. There was no reason at all for Subaru to spend his time with other people beside him. Yes, the mere idea of sharing Subaru with some stupid meaningless teenagers... annoyed him, annoyed him to no end and so he had wanted to prevent that stupid plan, no matter what. He had seen Subaru first. Why should he share the boy? No, Subaru was going to be his and his only. He wouldn't allow anyone else to have him. No one.

"But... but... you must work today... you haven't got any time for me..." Subaru reminded him, his tone a bit sad. Subaru knew Seishiro's working hours perfectly well, even better than his own. It was cute he would worry about Seishiro's duties and it felt good he would be saddened by Seishiro not having time for him. Really, the boy deserved a reward for it, so Seishiro grinned at him with an expression of complicity.

"Not today. Today, I've just decided, I'll take a holiday," he announced. "And you're supposed to spend it with me," he added, tapping Subaru's nose. "Today, I've got all the time I want to spend with you." Subaru blinked, then smiled at him.

"You haven't changed at all," the boy observed fondly.

"Nope, and you'll come with me to try out the best ice cream in all Shinjuku!" he stated before dragging Subaru toward a new ice cream shop.

* * *

It was a short time later, when their ice creams were both finished and they were merely sitting next to each other on a bench that Seishiro noticed Subaru still looked upset.

"What's wrong now?" he asked curiously. "Didn't you like your ice cream? Do you want another?" Subaru sighed in that manner the boy used when he was thinking Seishiro was a hopeless cause but he didn't mind it at all.

"That's not the problem," he replied.

"Then what?" he insisted, tilting his head to study him better. Subaru lowered his gaze.

"Hokuto-chan... she's really _'charming'_, isn't she?" he asked in a low tone, quoting the words Seishiro had used to describe her. Seishiro tried to recall Subaru's bizarre twin sister. Stubborn, strangely similar to Subaru and yet totally different from him. She had tried to oppose to him but she had lost in the end. She had seemed sharp and strong-willed but in truth she was just a common girl, exactly like any other girl in Tokyo.

"She's... an interesting person," he said anyway, trying to be tactful. He knew Subaru never liked it when he compared people to things.

"Oh," was all he got for reply as if he had somehow said the wrong thing.

"What did I say wrong now?" he asked, rolling his eyes. Sometimes Subaru was really hard to figure out.

"Nothing just... I wish you hadn't met her," the boy said so lowly he barely heard it. "Sorry. It was a selfish wish," he apologized immediately. Seishiro laughed, although he really didn't feel amused in the slightest.

"Are you worried for her? That's cute, Subaru, but don't worry, her name isn't on my target list and, since she doesn't know who I really am, she's no problem," he assured him in a careless tone.

"That's not the point and you shouldn't talk so nonchalantly about it," Subaru stated frowning. Subaru didn't approve of his work. He didn't discuss it either but he didn't approve of it. Seishiro liked to tease him with it here and there. Subaru was the only one who totally disapproved of it and yet, despite it, was still able to care for him and Seishiro liked to be reminded of it often. Seishiro was the Sakurazukamori and yet Subaru cared for him. He liked Subaru to be reminded of it often as well. Seishiro was the Sakurazukamori and yet Subaru had to care for him. He wouldn't forgive the boy, should he stop caring for him.

"Then I don't understand," he replied in a half uncaring, half annoyed tone.

"Everyone likes Hokuto-chan. She's special," Subaru continued as if he was discussing something important. He wasn't though, since he was talking about his sister and Seishiro couldn't care less about her.

"Why do we have to talk about her, Subaru? She's a boring topic," he complained. "Can't we do something more fun on our date?"

"You... you don't like her?" Subaru asked as if that was the most astonishing thing he had ever heard.

"What's so special about her?" he asked in turn, raising his eyebrow. Subaru paused, unsure about where to start the list of Hokuto-chan's wonderful qualities, wonderful qualities Subaru completely lacked.

"Well... everyone adores her... she's..." he stammered, feeling confused. Really, he never had to explain how his sister was wonderful! People would get it first glance!

"Subaru, I don't want to talk about your sister," he stated in an annoyed tone. "Why are you obsessing so much about her? You're on a date with me. Can't you talk about me?"

"I was thinking... you would obsess about her... no... I mean... not obsess but... well, everyone else does..." Everyone else had always favoured Hokuto-chan over him. She was the bright, cheerful, friendly, enthusiastic one with all the talents and none of the clumsiness Subaru displayed. The only thing Subaru knew better than her was Onmyoudo and that was important only for the matters of the Ichimon, not for social relations.

"Subaru? Why should I be interested in her?" he asked in confusion. "She's nowhere as interesting as you," he pointed out simply. "Can we go on with our date now?" he insisted, wanting the matter closed.

"I'm... interesting?" Subaru echoed in a small voice.

"You didn't know?" Seishiro asked blinking, then grinned as a suspicion came to his mind. "Was Subaru afraid I would like his sister more than him?" Subaru blushed wildly at that and didn't reply. "I guessed it!" Seishiro exclaimed, grinning like a little kid and then laughed.

"Seishiro!" Subaru complained immediately, flushing even more.

"Silly boy, do you love me?" he asked exactly as he had done so many times starting from when Subaru had been a small child, though without giving the word _'love'_any special meaning. He wrapped his arm securely wrapped around Subaru's shoulders, and held him still. Subaru seemed to blush further, if possible, then nodded. "Then, as long as you do, you'll be my favourite and no one else!" Seishiro assured him in a complicit tone, bending towards him to whisper into his ear. Subaru's blush deepened even more but he smiled happily and hugged him innocently yet tightly as he used to do when he had been younger, for once uncaring of the people around them.

Seishiro grinned down at him then suggested they go to a Game Arcade. Subaru complained about not being good at videogames but followed him anyway, smiling happily the whole time.

Back then the man still had to realize that for Subaru the word _'love'_didn't mean the same thing it had meant when he had been a child.

_**To be continued...**_

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**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
Okay, so in the remote case you haven't noticed this describes something that had happened in the TB/X alternate universe. As you can see there were some differences in Seishiro and Hokuto's relationship. Hokuto was scared by how Seishiro was already that important for Subaru. In TB she had been pushing Subaru and Seishiro together all the time but she had realized only toward the end how strongly tied to Seishiro Subaru was and she had started worrying, especially because even if she had grown fond of him, she knew Seishiro was potentially dangerous. Here Seishiro jumped out of nowhere, she realized he was dangerous but Subaru was already deeply attached to him. You can't really blame her for being so worried. On the other side Seishiro thinks he doesn't need Hokuto's complicity to charm Subaru and views her as an intruder. As you saw in the previous chapters after a while the two had learnt to get along but they had maintained a certain rivalry as well. As for Subaru yes, by now he's already madly in love with Seishiro... although he's not fully aware of it. And yes, he hasn't mentioned Seishiro to his sister. He has his own reasons.  
By the way, you might not be aware of it but Subaru always attaches an honorific when talking with someone. Even when talking with Yuya he called him _'Yuya-kun'_, which is more respectful than simply calling him _'Yuya'_ or _'Yuya-chan'_ and Sorata was _'Arisugawa-kun'_. I guess his only exception is Kamui, whom he had always called simply _'Kamui'_.

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Ichimon:** "Family" or "Household" or "Clan"  
**Obaachama: ** "Grandmother" or "Old Woman"  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan  
**Sumeragi no TouShu:** Sumeragi's Head  
**Sumeragi-Ke Hontaku:**Sumeragi Family Main Residence

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**Replies to reviews:**

To **TheEndofTag**: Well, this is something you'll discover in the future chapters but feel free to try to guess what it is!

To ** Zuzanny**: I'm glad you do! I also hope you enjoyed this little flashback in Seishiro and Subaru's past

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments! 


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